Page 93 of The Heartbreak List

“Come on then, tell me you’re going to be just fine walking away. That you’re not in the middle of a panic attack because you’re all up in your emotions over this girl.”

“Fuck.” I stumble until my back hits the wall. My knees give and I crumple. I’m having a panic attack. That’s what this is. Because I’m losing her when I’ve only just realized what she means to me. I grasp at my heart. “The minute I saw those hospital doors I couldn’t go in.”

“You saw your first love go in doors similar and never come out.” He crouches in front of me. “Are you really surprised that you would have anxiety about it? Especially when Indy is so sick.”

“She’s dying.” I bury my face in my hands. Just because we don’t want that to happen doesn’t change her diagnosis.

“So am I.” He coughs into his fist. “So are you. But we get to be thankful for every day that we have. We fight for it, don’t we? Isn’t that why you’re still here? Because you fought to be? Isn’t that what that whole bucket list you two were doing was about?”

“I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this knowing I’m going to have to say goodbye.” I wipe at my wet eyes. “When all I can think about when I look at her is how much I wish we could have a future. I want to love her for the rest of her life and mine, Harlan. Not just for a few months. Damn it. I think about marrying her.”

“You’re in far deeper than I thought then.” He stares at me with so much sympathy as he straightens. “But you’re the only one who can decide how strong you are. Whether you can handle living the entirety of your love while you can, or whether you walk away from that girl to protect yourself is your decision.”

He butts out his second cigarette after only a few drags and goes back inside.

I rest my head against the wall while my heart rate slows and my lungs start to work properly again. For so long I’ve numbed my grief and my guilt over losing Cooper. But Indy…she made me remember what it’s like to feel alive. To be happy and to love. To want more out of every day.

But I can wish for a future with Indy all I want; she doesn’t have that kind of time. So the question is… if my future with Indy has to be lived in hours or days or weeks, will I regret that I didn’t have the balls to live it? To be there for every single moment of our life together? Through the good moments and those ones that will shatter me? Can I give her the best of me in the darkest of her hours?

My phone pings with a new message. Someone pulled out and there’s a fight if I want it. I can put Indy behind me and go back to the way I was in just a few hours. Standing up, I text Sigh back and then delete the message.

God, I hope America didn’t tell her what I said.

Chapter Thirty-Three

Indy

“Hey.”Grayrapsonthe door quietly before he enters. He takes a seat in the chair by my bed before he reaches out and clasps my hand. “How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” It’s been a few hours since the paramedics brought me in. The transfusion has pumped new blood into my veins that should make me feel better quickly. But so far it can’t push back this fog I’m under. The only thing that could make me feel better is Theo. “Did he…?”

His jaw sharpens and a nerve in his cheek jumps. “America told me what he said. I don’t think he’s going to change his mind, Indy.”

“What did he say?” It mustn’t be good if neither America nor Gray will tell me, but then, perhaps that’s exactly what I need. For his last words to sever this bond between us.

He shakes his head.

“Please.” I hate that I’m begging him to tell me about Theo.

He rubs his temples as his chest deflates. “It’s nothing that you need to hear.”

I close my eyes against the burn in them. What could he say that would make me feel differently than I do? We both knew this is how it ends. With me in the hospital and him going back to a life that doesn’t include me.

“Don’t waste your time on him, Indy.” Gray moves to sit on the bed. He pulls me into his arms and holds me tight. His shoulders shake. “You need to concentrate on being positive.”

“Gray.” I push weakly at his shoulders.

“I think you should move back in with me,” he says. “I know how much living with your mom will drive you crazy. You can stay with me. I’ll take care of you.”

“Gray.” I shake my head. “That isn’t fair to you.”

“We don’t have to be together.” His ice blue eyes blaze with emotion. “Or we can pretend he never existed and go back to how it was. As long as you’re in my life.”

“Gray.” I clasp his face between both of my hands and stare into his eyes. I’m crying for him too now. For how much he loves me, and the pain that I’ve caused him. That I’ll continue to bring him. Because I could never love him the way that I love Theo.

When Gray asked me to marry him it was easy to say yes because he was warm and safe and familiar. And because all of my plans included marrying my first love. It wasn’t until Theo asked me if I regretted not getting married that I realized that my answer to Gray should have been no all along.

And then Theo asked me if I would rather get married or go to a waterpark. Offhanded, like it was a joke. I wanted to choose get married—to him—so badly.

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