Page 14 of His Heart for Christmas

?“You should be fine to drive home now. I’m sure your parents are worried. It’s time for you to go,” he says, finally looking at me.

?Rather than throwing a temper tantrum, I force a smile. “Right. Of course. Here we are again.”

?“Emma,” he sighs.

?“It’s fine. You meant what you said in the moment, and I shouldn’t have read into it. Guess I’m showing our age difference,” I say as I go to collect my shoes.

?He follows, watching, but saying nothing.

?“Anyway, if I don’t see you before Christmas, I hope you have a good one. And make sure you give Tony Christmas Eve off. He won’t say it, but his family always celebrates on the 24th. Um ... I think that’s all,” I say.

?Now that I’m at the door, though, I don’t want to leave. I hesitate for a moment, biting back my frustration. “Anyway, thanks for a great night,” I say, my voice colder than I intend.

?He stays there, staring at me without saying a fucking word.

?And just like that, I’m in my car, driving home, trying to figure out where I went wrong, if I hurt him. But even when I’m in a shower at home, all I can think is that I hurt myself. I’m chasing an emotionally unavailable man and he’s spelled it out how many times? Maybe he got caught up in the moment. I won’t let it get to me. I’m not going to say a word. Nothing. It’s fine.

?I’ll get back to my own version of normal, and that’s exactly what I do. I decorate with my parents, avoid Josh when I spot him in town, and convince myself that everything will be okay. I’ll move on, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll see that he can too.

?That would be a good Christmas wish. So, I cross my fingers and focus on the silver lining rather than my lost chance with Josh and his giving up the chance at happiness I want to give him.

Chapter 10 - Josh

?I’m so tired of seeing her fucking fake smile. Every time she forces it, with hurt and sadness in her eyes, her dimple missing, I feel like shit. I don’t know what it was. We had an amazing night together. I felt safe opening up to her about all my baggage.

?Then I woke up and felt someone against me and was happy. Emma’s perfume had filled my senses, her warm, soft body against mine made me smile, which instantly made me feel guilty. I felt like I betrayed Cara. My wife was the one who was always up before I could enjoy the view of her in the morning. She laughed with me, remodeled the house with me, brought me out of my shell and being with anyone else ... it feels like a betrayal.

?I’m not crazy. I know she’s gone, she passed away and there’s nothing that will change that, but now that she’s gone, I feel like being happy and moving on is a disservice to her memory.

?Seeing Emma’s fake smile is at war with that, though. I feel like I snuffed a candle, like the first time I caught a firefly and accidentally killed it as a kid. She deserves better. And I swore, I was sure, that if I didn’t see her every day, my feelings would dwindle.

?Instead, my guilt has doubled over the last four days.

?It was just supposed to be lust. That’s it. Just lust and nothing else, but as I get ready for the Christmas Eve celebration, she’s in every thought. I wonder if Emma will like the décor, if she’ll compliment the lights like she did before. If she’ll like how I’ve decorated the trees out front.

?I want to know what she’s doing, if she’s happy, if she regrets being with me. Every second thought swirls around her and the farm feels colder without her in it.

?Tony walks up to me and elbows me. “What’s going on with you?”

?“What?” I demand.

?He blinks at me for a moment. “That. I get you’re a hard ass and handle everything yourself, but you’ve been grouchy, even for you lately.”

?“None of your business,” I dismiss.

?“You know people have been talking. You go from almost nice to ... well, this, when Emma left,” Tony continues.

?“I’m not interested in rumors,” I answer while adjusting some of the light up present decorations.

?“But you’re starring in these,” Tony informs, handing me a stake. “They say that you and Emma were getting together, then something happened and that’s why you’re pissed and she’s not as bright and bubbly as normal.”

?I pause mid-hammer. Closing my eyes, I sigh. “Have you talked to her?”

?“So, the rumors are true!” He says loudly.

?I finish pounding the stake into place and stand, towering over Tony. “Have you talked to her??”

?“No, but I’ve seen her in the coffee shop next door. Generally, around this time of the day. She just stares at her phone a lot. She always smiles when someone talks to her, but it melts fast lately,” he says with a shrug. “Do you know something about it?”

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