Page 15 of His Heart for Christmas

?“I'll go and get us a coffee,” I grunt.

?I hate his sly smile. I give him a list of things to do, knowing he’ll get it done and go to the coffee shop. It’s been here for as long as I can remember, but doesn’t have the same clientele it used to. I’ve thought about buying the land they’re on to expand my tree growing, but I don’t want to step on toes, and I have no idea what to do with a coffee shop.

?When I walk in, some conversations end and eyes turn in my direction, confirming what Tony said about rumors. A few women still eye-fuck me blatantly, but I ignore them and head to the counter. I order a black coffee for myself and a mocha latte for Tony.

?While I wait for my order, I see Emma in a corner and my heart skips a few beats. She takes slow sips of her coffee as she looks over something on her phone. There’s no trace of her normal happiness on her face.

?Someone says something to her and she forces her smile – no dimple – just like at my house. I hate it. My heart aches to fix it, but I know I need to be all in with her and I’m not sure I can be. I want to be, but all I can think about is my wife.

?I promised I’d love her until death. There was no specification for if she died first. When the person walks away, Emma meets my gaze. Her hazel eyes are darker today. She swallows, forces a gentle smile, then grabs her coffee and leaves.

?We’re not okay. She and I aren’tcloseto okay, even if she walked out as if we’d be able to be friends, I know I hurt her. In her eyes, I used her for sex to get over the last six and a half years of celibacy and tossed her to the side.

?I want to tell her it’s because I’m torn. Because I feel guilty, because everything feels wrongwhen she feels right in my arms.

?“You know, I heard she asked him out and he said no,” I hear someone whisper.

?“Well, is she surprised?”

?“You didn’t see them at the tree farm. He couldn’t rip his eyes away from her. I haven’t seen him like that since ... Cara,” a woman says.

?I glower at her and she shuts up. No matter how I react to what I hear, this is complicated and people have to mind their fucking business. I grab my drinks, deliver them to Tony next door, and throw myself into finishing everything up for the celebration.

?Then, I head to the cemetery. I set some fresh flowers on my wife’s grave and gently stroke her name. “I’d want you to find love again if the roles were reversed, baby.”

?There’s no answer, there never is. But being here brings me peace. I swallow. “You know I always wanted a full life with you, kids, a real future and I’ve done nothing in the last six years. No traveling, barely keeping up with the house, coming here rather than going on dates ... but I think it’s time.”

?I take a slow breath. “I loved you, will always love your memory, but ... but I think I’m missing out on things here by thinking about how different things could be. I’m missing out on someone who makes me happy, who’s patient, who’s so warm and bubbly and sweet. I want to be better for her.”

?Cara never answers me. I don’t believe in ghosts because she’s never given me a sign, but the fact I don’t dream of her, I dream of Emma instead, sets my mind clear.

?As I head back home and take care of more things for the celebration in the morning, I think of her.

?She’s too wonderful to overlook and if I keep dragging my feet, if I keep finding obstacles to put in my way, I’ll miss out on her, miss out on life itself, and ... and I don’t deserve to be punished for what happened to my wife. I deserve to live, to love, to pursue my dreams and have a say in my own existence. And I’m going to. Starting tonight.

Chapter 11 - Emma

?“Mom, I really don’t-” I start.

?“We’re going. It’s tradition. And, since you won’t tell me what has you down, I have to assume all the rumors are true,” she says. “Which means you need to see him. It’s the only way you two can either talk this out or move on.”

?“He doesn’t want me,” I whisper.

?“Nonsense,” my dad pipes up. “You’re wonderful, beautiful, so sweet.”

?“Well, he doesn’t like sweet,” I grumble. “He takes his coffee black.”

?I’m remembering the drawbacks of living in a small town. Even though I thought no one would notice since we never did anything around anyone else, the whole town seems to know that something has happened between Josh and me. No one has a problem with the age gap, apparently, but they keep saying that I’m naïve to think he’d want me.

?And I’m starting to think they’re right.

?When I fell asleep in his arms, I thought he could love me, that maybe he was already in love with me, but then he dismissed me like we’d finished a business meeting and it felt like everything I was sure of was gone.

?I’ve been questioning my own perspective, my sanity, plenty of things all while still wanting him. I want him to tell me he was wrong, that he just needed time to accept he has feelings for me. I get that it might not be easy, but ... but nothing.

?Mom and dad throw snowballs at each other, then team up against me. They try to get me to join in on the town snowman building contest, but I hang back, not wanting to commit to anything since now I’m not sure what else might be a mistake.

?Avoiding the contests also mean avoiding Josh. I’m already at his tree farm again and no matter how many friends I talk to, he’s what I think about.

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