Page 120 of My Turn

As if she’d just noticed me, she jerked and drew the gun away from her chest. I lunged forward to take it just before a shot went off behind me. Pain erupted in my shoulder and made me stumble. I managed to grab the gun from her and tossed it to the side.

“It’s fine,” I told the officers. “She wasn’t going to fucking do anything. God damnit.”

I watched one of them take the gun from the floor. With that out of the way, I turned back to Alana.

“No,” I breathed.

She slid down the wall, holding her hand against her neck. Everything stopped in that moment. All I could see was the blood and the look on her face. Her eyes were wide with terror and pain. When she pulled her hand away, more blood poured from the wound.

“No, no, no,” I said, pulling her closer. I tried to stop the bleeding with my hand, but it just kept coming. Even slowed as it tore through my shoulder, the bullet had done so much damage. “Baby, look at me. Hey. It’s okay. It’s okay.”

Her head shook the slightest amount. When she met my eyes, she was no longer crying.

“I…” She choked and blood spilled out of her mouth. “I don’t want to… die.”

“I know. I know. You just have to breathe, okay? Someone will be here soon and they’ll fix it. They’re gonna fix it, baby.”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t… mean…”

“Shh. I did this. It’s my fault.”

One thing I’d learned about death was that it isn’t peaceful. The movies show someone slipping away on their last breath,then their eyes close. It was actually horrifically different than that in most cases.

“Sir, we need you to move.”

I shook my head, furious that they’d even tell me that. My palm pressed more firmly against Alana’s neck. Her blood painted my hands red, just like others had for her sake. It was all for her. It always was. But it led to this, so what had I actually accomplished? Wouldn’t I rather her be alive, even if I didn’t get to have her? No, I was selfish. I’d rather us both die than let her leave me.

“She’ll be okay,” I insisted. “She’s fine. It’s fine.”

“Sir.”

“No!” I shouted before I pulled her against my chest. She was weak and tired. Just weak and tired. “Alana, baby, wake up. You’re okay, you’re okay.”

I clutched her more tightly and began to rock back and forth. The way my body shuddered almost made it feel like she was moving. She was going to move again. She had to.

“We’re gonna go to Greece just like you want. We’re going to swim, touch all of the sculptures we’re not supposed to, and explore every cave they have. We’ll go hiking, even though you have terrible coordination and will probably sprain an ankle. I’ll carry you the whole time. I’ll always carry you. Do they have dolphins in Greece? We’ll find some, baby. I promise we’ll see everything you want.

“You’ll look so beautiful in those blue waters,” I went on. “I’ll take so many pictures. Not of the scenery; just of you. I never get tired of looking at you, baby. I just want you to smile for me and let me hear you talk. I want to listen to you talk forever. Please talk to me. I need to hear your voice.” Burying my face in her hair, I released a choked, pained sound. “Please talk to me. Please, please, please.”

“Medical is here,” one of the officers said.

“Sir, we need to have you checked out and we need you to tell us what happened.”

“You shot her,” I said. “You fucking shot her and she wasn’t going to hurt anyone.”

“We couldn’t know that, sir.”

“The gun was empty! Fuck!”

Someone took my arm and I shrugged them away. When they tried it again, I struck at them. The pain in my shoulder flared and it gave them the chance to thrust me onto my stomach. My hands were cuffed behind my back and no matter how hard I flailed, I couldn’t get free. The way my cheek was resting against the floor gave me a view of Alana. She was on her side with her hair covering most of her face. One of the paramedics crouched beside her to check for a pulse. I closed my eyes, unable to see them confirm it.

I couldn’t… I just couldn’t…

A couple months ago, I said there were two ways things could go. Both ended with me having Alana. There were no other options. But there was. No matter how much control I thought I had over the situation, something happened that I hadn’t planned for. She’d been taken from me. I had her, but now she was gone.

*****

After thinking about it while I healed in the hospital, I realized where I’d gone wrong. Jake. I should’ve just taken her from him before they fell in love. It would’ve worked. The day he brought her home, I should’ve shut that entire thing down. I’d waited too long. It was the act of a coward to give her a chance to be happy with him. I always intended to take her, so why did I wait so long?

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