Page 43 of Not Yet Yours

I sob for what feels like forever with Liam stroking my hair and muttering that it’s ok, to let it all out. I cry and I cry, and I don’t even attempt to stop the flood of tears until I finally start to feel a little bit better.

I sniffle and I keep my face buried in Liam’s chest until I get myself under a modicum of control and then I gently pull back from Liam. This time, he lets me pull back. He cups my face in his hand and wipes away one of the last of my tears. He releases his hold on my face, and I take a deep breath, look down into my lap, and start to talk before I can change my mind about telling him everything.

“When I was little, barely more than a baby really although I must have been a little more than a toddler at least to have memories of those times, my parents used to have these fights. I didn’t know it at the time, but my father used to beat my mom. His reason was because I had come along and ruined their marriage and it had been my mom who wanted a baby, wanted me, not him. Eventually, they divorced, and I thought that would be the end of seeing my father, but it wasn’t. He blamed me for everything that had gone wrong in his marriage and more, everything that had gone wrong in his life pretty much. I think he only insisted on having the visitation with me that he was entitled to because he wanted to make sure that I was as miserable as I supposedly made him. I get that makes me sound a bit paranoid, but honestly, hear me out and then see if you still think I’m paranoid,” I say.

“I’m listening, Harriet,” Liam says. “I’m not judging. Hang on, that's a lie. I’m not judging you. I feel like I’m going to be judging your father very much.”

I smile at him, feeling slightly better to hear that much at least. I take a breath and I go on.

“One thing I will say about my father is that he was consistent, in that he never missed an opportunity to remind me that I had ruined his life, that I had ruined my mom’s life, that I had ruined their marriage. I heard it all a thousand times, but it still wasn’t enough, because he had to be sure that I knew that I was poison and everyone I got close to would wither up and die inside. His words affected every relationship I have ever had. I always made sure to keep everyone at arm’s length so they wouldn’t get too close and wouldn’t get to see the toxic core of me. Even Max doesn’t know any of this. She’s my best friend and I dare not tell her this in case she sees that my father was right about me, and I am poison, and she leaves me.

“I am slowly coming to see that my father was the poison in my parent’s marriage, not me. I wasn’t the one throwing hands or fucking someone else after all, but it is going to take time for me to really get my head around it all. And it doesn’t help that there was one time I decided to ignore my father and I started dating a boy I liked in high school. It was good. I liked him a lot and I think he felt the same way about me. We were good together. I started to think my father was wrong, and I slowly let him into my life and nothing bad happened.

“At first, I was just waiting for it to all fall apart, but then I began to think that maybe my father had been wrong, and I wasn’t poison to those around me after all. At that point in my life, I was still naïve enough to think that if I provided evidence of me not turning everything I touched into shit, my father would relent and see that he was wrong.

“I got my courage up and I told my father about him in the end, and he convinced me I would ruin this boy’s life. I took my father’s words to heart as per usual and I ended things with Jake. He killed himself. Because of me. For a long time, I thoughtthat meant my father must be right, but now I’m questioning everything, and I wonder if Jake did that because I ended things rather than because he saw the real me. I’ll never know for sure, But either way, he’s dead because of me.”

Finally, after talking for what feels like hours, I run out of steam, and I stop talking and I dare to look up at Liam. I’m expecting to see a look of horror, a look of disgust on his face. What I am not expecting is the look of love and compassion he is giving me.

“Oh Harriet,” he says, his voice breaking on my name. He reaches out and pulls me to him. “I’m so sorry you had to go through all of that, really, I am. But you have to know that none of it was your fault.”

“But…” I start, but Liam cuts me off before I can go any further.

“Your father is the poison in both of your lives. And as for Jake, what happened to him is tragic, but it’s not your fault Harriet. He made his own choice,” Liam says.

I pull back quickly as something occurs to me.

“You can’t tell anyone about Jake. No one knows what happened, that I broke up with him before he ended his life. I couldn’t risk them knowing that and leaving me. I’ve only dared to tell you this stuff because I know I’ve lost you anyway,” I say.

“I promise I won’t breathe a word of this to anyone. You can trust me, Harriet. And you haven’t lost me. Not even close to it,” Liam says and pulls me back into his embrace.

I let myself be held and I let myself admit that it feels good. But I can’t kid myself into thinking that everything will be ok now. I might be starting to doubt my father’s logic somewhat, but it’s going to be a long, hard path to undo the last twenty odd years of hearing that I’m poisonous from someone who is meant to love me unconditionally and believing it all these years. I tell Liam this with my face pressed against his chest.

“I understand that” he says. “And I will be here by your side for all of it, whether as your partner or your friend is up to you.”

“My partner,” I gasp out. “No more of this stupid friend with benefits shit. I want to be with you. I… I love you, Liam.”

“I love you too,” he says.

I pull back again, but this time, I only pull my head back and I lean up to find Liam’s mouth with mine. We kiss gently, a loving, tender kiss, but as it goes on, it becomes hot and passionate and deeper. I cling to Liam, and he clings to me as we kiss. He pulls back from my mouth long enough to raise a questioning eyebrow and I know exactly what he’s asking me, and I nod, it’s a resounding yes from me.

“I want it. I want you,” I gasp out.

His mouth covers mine again and our hands become a frenzy of movement as our clothes come off, then Liam is on top of me and his cock is inside of me and we are moving together, thrusting in time with each other, and the pain inside of me begins to heal, the pleasure I feel with Liam pushing it away.

We kiss and caress and grasp at each other as we make love, and when I come, I come hard, my whole body lighting up with pleasure and my muscles singing, leaving my body a hot, trembling mess as Liam comes with me, my name on his tongue as he spurts into me.

We come apart long enough to get comfortable and we stay wrapped up in each other’s arms, naked on Liam’s couch. It feels right, it feels good, and I am so glad I made the first move at knocking my walls down.

“Liam,” I say, after a moment.

“Hmm,” he replies.

“You know this isn’t going to be easy, right?” I ask. “Like just because I’m starting to see the truth, there will be moments where I doubt everything, and I really don’t know how to undoso many years of believing something. Are you sure you want to take a ride on this crazy train with me?”

“I’m sure,” Liam says, and he kisses my temple. “But I get what you’re saying. It’s a lot to unpack. I will be with you always and I will help in any way I can, but I think you might benefit from getting some therapy.”

I think for a minute, and I nod.

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