Page 44 of Not Yet Yours

“I think you’re right,” I agree.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Liam

Six months later

The last six months have been an absolute whirlwind. Half of the time, I haven’t known which way was up, but it’s all been a good whirlwind. My offer for the hotel in Mexico was accepted and work commenced on the renovations that needed sprucing up immediately. There was very little to do, and I opted to keep all of the current staff in place, including Daniel, the manager who I met when Harriet and I went to visit the hotel, because they are definitely doing something right. Because that place needed so little work, I also bought another hotel closer to home, one that requires a fair bit of work, and it’s that one that has kept me so busy for the last few months. It seems to have been problem after problem, but I’m confident that in the end, it will all be worth it. Or at least I hope so. So far, it feels like for every problem the Mexican hotel doesn’t have that I was expecting it to have, the other one has two or three problems that I wasn’t expecting as well as the ones that I was expecting.

Assuming everything goes according to plan, all the work on both hotels will be finished within two or three weeks. The way this work has gone with all the issues springing up, I’ve allowed seven weeks before I expect it to be completed and open for business, although I see no reason why the one in Mexico won’t be opening up right on schedule. A week after the problem hotel was finally all fixed up and ready to go, I booked two weeks in the Maldives for Harriet and me in a beautiful five-star resort.

I think we both deserve it. I’ve worked my ass off on the new hotels and also on running the existing business and Harriet has worked her ass off at therapy and at growing her sculpting business. She started her therapy with three sessions a week, and then it went down to two sessions a week and now it’s only one session a week. In fact, today is her last session and that’s even more of a reason to celebrate and go and have this nice relaxing vacation together.

Obviously, sometimes things still crop up and Harriet needs me to reassure her that we’re good and everything is ok, of course, I happily do so, but for the most part, the therapy has worked wonders on her, and I know she now sees that all that stuff her father instilled in her was him projecting his own feelings and shortcomings onto her. I will never act on my feelings toward her father because she will see that as his prophecy coming true once more and her bringing misery into his life, but God I want to take hold of that man and seriously fucking hurt him for what he has put Harriet through. I want to choke the life out of him and then bring him back to life so I can do it again.

Only my love for Harriet is stopping me from doing it, but if he ever hurts her again, I’m not sure that I will be able to stop myself from doing it. She has decided to cut him out of her life for now and I guess I just have to hope she keeps it that way, although if she does change her mind, I will support her inwhatever she wants to do. I will just have to remember that no matter how hard it might be for me, it will be a thousand times harder than that for Harriet and I have to be there for her and put her needs first before my need to get revenge.

Even thinking about her bastard of a father gets me all riled up and I force myself to think about something else. I go back to thinking about how well Harriet has done these last few months and how proud of her I am.

The extra work on the new hotel has meant that I’ve been working long ass days and oftentimes, I’m getting calls after hours and sometimes, I have to drop everything and go and see what needs fixing. Some days, so much shit has piled up that I’ve ended up giving up on getting home and just crashed in one of the rooms for a few hours between fighting fires.

Despite that, I think the timing of it all has worked out really well because with me being so busy I’ve had less spare time to spend with Harriet which I think helped her to stop feeling overwhelmed by me without her having to tell me she was feeling that way and asking me to back off a bit. Of course, I’ve missed her, but being apart a bit more has definitely made the time we do get to spend together that much more special.

I’m waiting for her to come over from her latest therapy session right now and I’m going to tell her about the surprise trip to the Maldives. She’s going to be so excited. I can’t wait to see her face. God, I love that woman and I love to make her happy and see her smile.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Harriet

Istep out of my therapist’s office and into the sunny street for what I hope will be the last time. Officially, today was my last session with my therapist, but having said that, she has made it clear to me that if I feel like I need any more help, either with my daddy issues or with anything else, I only need to call, and I can be seen by her again for as long as I feel like I need to see her for. I really think I am past that now though. The therapy has helped me so much, but now I think it’s down to me to take what I’ve learned and run with it and try to get on with my life.

My therapist has made me see that my little epiphany about my father’s motives for making me feel like I was poisonous was correct. The fact is, I was never the poison in my parents’ marriage; my father was the poison in there and I can see that now. And it was his fault they got divorced, not mine. But it was easy to blame myself because I was small and defenseless and I couldn’t argue back, and the timing worked out well too. I came along just before the marriage really started to crumble, and at least for a time, I think my father genuinely did think it was my fault he and my mom split up. Over time though, I believe he saw the truth, but he wanted someone else to be hurting like he wasand joy oh joy, he chose me for that role. And then I got older, and I wasn’t so small and defenseless, but by then, I had heard my father’s lies so much that they felt real to me like it really was all my fault, so I didn’t even bother trying to defend myself. Even in my own thoughts at that point, I figured my father knew best. But fuck me he didn’t. Not even close to it.

Now that I have not only seen this for myself but also had it confirmed by someone who is qualified to know this shit, there’s not much more for a therapist to do. It’s up to me now to remember that my father was a troubled man who couldn’t take responsibility for his own choices and that none of that is my fault. I have to work to remember that I am not worthless or toxic and everything I touch won’t just break.

I have to learn to let my defenses down and let people in. I have to learn to really believe that I deserve to love someone and to be loved back by them.

I think I have been doing a good job of that with Liam. When I first started my therapy, I was a bit skeptical about it all and I was still waiting for Liam to realize what he was getting himself into with me and leave. When he first bought the second hotel and began working longer and longer hours, at first, I thought he was doing it to get away from me. But instead of running from him based on nothing but my own assumptions, I asked him about it, and he reassured me that wasn’t the case, stuff was just going wrong that he hadn’t anticipated with work, and I learned to believe him when he told me how he felt about me.

I actually think now, in hindsight, that Liam having so much going on at the same time I was having my therapy was a good thing for two reasons. Firstly, it meant that when I thought he was pulling away from me, I was still in the thick of my therapy, so I was able to talk about it all with my therapist which helped me to believe that it was just work and not Liam planning on leaving me when he told me that. The second reason is a muchnicer one. Through Liam being missing, and me missing him when he was at work so much and looking forward to the time we did get to spend together, it made me see that my feelings for him are definitely real. And knowing that for sure makes all the therapy sessions and all of the times I have second-guessed myself worth it.

Liam texted me this morning and told me that I was to go to his place after my therapy session because he had a surprise for me. What I didn’t tell him is that I have a surprise for him too. I have to go and pick it up now.

I reach the parking lot where my car is, go to it, and get in. I start the engine and drive away from my parking spot, out of the parking lot, and into the traffic. I’m nervous about the surprise I have for Liam. When he says he has a surprise for me, it’s always something epic that he knows I will love, but I don’t have the kind of money needed to buy something like that, so I’ve made him a sculpture that I hope he understands is from the heart.

I drive to the mall and park my car, then I walk through it, up the stairs, and along the corridor to my studio. I let myself in and go straight to the cabinet and get out the piece for Liam. It’s a clay piece with two heart shapes joined in the center and around them is a circle. The hearts obviously represent the love we share, and the circle is a symbol of forever because there is no break in it.

In the center of the joined hearts, I’ve added a Maya Angelou quote; “In all the world, there is no heart for me like yours. In all the world, there is no love for you like mine.” I think it perfectly sums up how I feel about Liam and hopefully, it gets across the message that I can’t seem to put into words. That day I poured my heart out to Liam, I told him I loved him, and I do. But for some reason, I haven’t been able to say it since and I’m not sure why. My therapist says I just need time to feel comfortable with words I have purposely avoided using all my life. She’s probablyright about that, so in the meantime, I really hope Liam reads the I love you beneath the quote and the melded hearts.

I carefully put the piece into a box and stick the box lid down. I look around for some ribbon but the closest thing that I can come up with is a ball of string, so I decide against using it. I take the box and leave the studio, locking it behind me. I go back to my car and leave the parking lot, join traffic once more and this time, I head straight to Liam’s apartment.

He opens the door when I ring the bell and I go up the stairs and find the door of his apartment open and waiting for me. I go inside, close the door, and go through to the living room where Liam is waiting for me. He stands up when I come in, I go to him, and we kiss.

“How does it feel to be officially therapy-free?” Liam asks after we hug each other, me hugging him one-handed because I have the box in one of my hands.

We sat down on the couch, and I put the box down on the ground at my feet.

“Good,” I say. “Really good. I feel like I’ve come a long way, and I feel like I’m ready to tackle stuff as it comes up without the safety net of therapy being there to catch me.”

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