Page 39 of Dirty Looks

My fingers tightenedagainst his flesh and I froze. I heard his words, could understand them even. But that didn’t make it easy to hear. We’d loved each other our whole lives. Not always romantically, but the love had been there. I’d never understood why he’d wanted me. Why he’d chosen me. But I could understand this. Why would he want a woman who couldn’t give him children?

“Jaye,” he said, shaking me slightly. “Jaye, are you listening?”

I’d gone numb inside somewhere along the way. What I did know was that I was a survivor. And I’d survive this too. No matter how much it hurt.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, holding my chin up so he could see my face.

I shook my head and said, “Nothing,” and I tried to pull out of his arms, but he wouldn’t let me go.

And then his eyes narrowed and I saw anger flash in them. It was rare Jack got angry—really angry.

“You’re a fool,” he said. “How many times does a man need to say he loves you before you actually believe it?”

“What?” I asked, confused but also irritated at being called a fool.

“I can see it all over your face,” he accused. “You think I mean to take a break from us. Like my love for you is so shallow that us not being able to conceive would be a deal breaker for me? Let me make myself clear. Children are a temporary assignment, whether we choose to have them or not, and they’ll eventually leave us to start their own families. But you’re my wife until I take my last breath on this earth. Nothing changes that.”

He moved to shift out of the way and get out of the shower, but I held on tight.

“I know,” I said. “You’re right and I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know this is hurting you as much as it hurts me. But to tell you the truth I just feel stupid and like an inept failure. I’m not a stupid person. And anything I’ve failed at in life I’ve pushed myself and learned and studied until I at least had a cursory understanding. I know the biology of my body. I know how it’s supposed to work. And yet it doesn’t.”

His face was like stone. “Please don’t give up on me,” I said. “Between all of this and standing over Evie Lidle’s body this morning, I’m just not thinking clearly. I know you love me. And I know there’s nothing in heaven or hell that could separate us. I was just being…stupid. I’m sorry.”

“See that you remember it,” he said. “And you’re not stupid. You brain just stopped functioning for a moment. It’s understandable after a day like today.”

“I don’t mean to be so hard to love,” I said. “I really don’t.”

“I’m hopeful in twenty or thirty years you’ll make it a little easier,” he said, kissing the top of my head. “But I’ve always loved a challenge. My mother says it’s because I have a head like a rock.”

“And thank God for it,” I said. “Not that I’m complaining. But why are you here in the shower with me?”

“I told you,” he said. “They cut me loose for court. I’ve already finished testifying. Cole worked the majority of that case so he’ll be more involved. But I just need to stay available in case I need to be called back to testify. And I’m not normally one to rush these situations when you’re naked and pliable in the shower, but I’ve told Martinez I’d be an extra set of hands on this case.”

I grunted and let him help me to my feet, and I stepped out of the shower and dried off. “What time is it? I told him I’d text as soon as the autopsy was done. I got a little sidetracked.”

“So did he,” Jack said. “I was coming into the station as he was leaving, and he told me to tell you he was headed to King George to see Kitty Lidle in the hospital. They’re not sure she’s going to make it. She was in respiratory distress for a long time before she was found, and she’s got some bleeding on the brain from several mini-strokes. They’re still waiting for toxicology to come back, but she was given something.”

I hurriedly dressed and ran a brush through my mostly damp hair, and then I looked in the mirror and grimaced. There was no amount of ice packs or makeup that was going to help my swollen face.

“Martinez asked if we’d go interview Jackson Sparrow,” Jack said. “He should be home from work by now.”

I looked at the time on my phone and grimaced. It was after five. I hadn’t really had time to have a mental breakdown in the shower, but here we were. I grabbed the makeup bag I kept in the drawer and hurriedly put on concealer and mascara, hoping that would conceal the obvious signs of tears, but there was no hope.

“Maybe just wear your sunglasses,” Jack said. “It works for Cher.”

I made a face in his direction and said, “I’ve got to run downstairs and get the autopsy report of Alan Goble for Martinez. And then we can head out. Is Sheldon still here?”

“He and Emmy Lu were packing it in for the day when I got here,” Jack said. “Sheldon said he had a date with the donut girl.”

“Lord,” I said. “Lily thinks he’s going to end up as some voodoo sacrifice or something.”

“I’ve seen that girl at the donut shop,” Jack said. “I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest.”

“You’re not the first person to tell me that,” I said. “I’m going to have to go by and get a look for myself. I don’t want to end up having to rescue him from some bizarre hostage situation. He’s been known to make bad decisions when it comes to women in the past.”

“I still don’t understand how he’s gotten one woman to sleep with him,” Jack said. “Much less multiple women.”

“I guess he appeals to a certain type,” I said. “He does seem sweet and cuddly.”

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