Page 102 of A Dish Best Served Hot

Their relationship was doomed from that point alone, but then there was the fact that Lola was fearless to the point of being reckless. She was so used to taking care of herself that when she factored consequences she only factored in ones she thought she could handle. She didn’t make adjustments for the people around her who would be affected simply because she didn’t account for them. It wouldn’t be fair to say that they were nonentities, but they fell below everything else on her list of priorities.

Saint couldn’t afford to not make the people around him priorities. He was a father, an older brother, a son, grandson, nephew, and cousin. He had a lot of people in his life who his actions affected. He was beginning to understand that he wasn’t responsible for them all, but that hardly meant he could discount them completely. This was why he’d begun going to therapy, because he wanted to be a better man for them. One who wasn’t constantly terrified of failure. He couldn’t be with someone who refused to give an inch even if it meant allaying some of his fears.

He hated to admit it, but his abuelo Papo had been right. Saint needed someone who was going to be his partner and unfortunately Lola was too used to being a one-woman pride.

25

“I’ve been thinking about coming back,” Lola threw out there just to see her mother’s reaction.

Her mother was disappointed, as per usual. On the screen of her laptop she simply made a hmm sound and continued pruning her basil plant.

“Did you hear what I said?”

“Yes, Lola. I’m not that old yet.”

At fifty-eight, her mom wasn’t old at all. Because she took care of her skin, drank a gallon of water every day, had been mostly vegetarian for years, and exercised every morning, her mom could pass for someone much younger.

Lola couldn’t even count the number of times they’d been asked if they were sisters. Many people commented on how alike they looked but always felt the need to specify that they were talking about their facial features as if Lola wouldn’t know her much bigger body was different from that of her slim mother’s. They were even more rude when they found out that they were in fact mother and daughter. They’d look between the two of them as if they just couldn’t understand how her tiny mother had birthed such a large human. It made Lola want to stomp around and say,I am an ogre!Shrek style.Judgmental Idiots.

“You don’t seem very excited by the idea,” Lola couldn’t help but point out.

Her mom finally gave the camera her full attention. “That’s because I know you aren’t really coming back.”

“Why wouldn’t I? It’s not like I have anything here. I’m unemployed, single, I have exactly one friend who I haven’t talked to in days because she actually has a life. Benny has told me multiple times that I’m annoying and to stop stalking him, so our relationship obviously worked better when I was on the other side of the country, and the one time I talked to Iván on the phone after dad died he made it clear that he still doesn’t want me to visit him. It sounds to me like it’s time for me to cut my losses.” It wasn’t even like she’d done the one thing she’d been determined to do, namely find a new El Hogar for the kids. Ruby and Marcus were staying with a cousin who’d stepped up after seeing them on the news, but it had been made clear that it wasn’t a permanent situation. They still needed a real home. But the one building that could work was still too expensive for them to bid on even though it was in foreclosure. It was only a matter of time before some other scavenger, like Raven Realty, swooped in and snatched it up. Even if they did manage to buy it, they still didn’t have the money to renovate. Lola was failing at life in a way she’d never experienced before and she couldn’t help but think that this was a sign. “I made a mistake coming back to Humboldt Park.”

Her mom didn’t seem to agree, because she gave Lola the same pursed-lipped, raised-eyebrows look she always did when she felt like Lola was being extra. “You didn’t. And I know you aren’t coming back, because you have always wanted to be in Chicago. From the moment I dragged you out of there, you vowed to return. You may have lived here for longer, but San Diego was never home to you. It was just the incubator that kept you safe and allowed you to grow until you were ready to return to Humboldt Park.” She tried to hide it, but the regret in her voice was noticeable. She’d always hoped Lola would want to stay in San Diego with her. Her mom loved it there, not that Lola blamed her. San Diego was gorgeous, the people were mostly chill, there was tons to do, and it had everything great California had to offer. It just wasn’t home.

Plus, no matter that they’d spent years rebuilding their relationship, Lola and her mom didn’t see eye to eye on many things and therefore there was always a distance between them. If Lola was honest, she knew that she was the one who kept that distance in place. They were just too different. Her mother was passive to the point of being a complete pushover and Lola couldn’t stand it. They used to argue about things constantly, and by that she meant Lola would argue at her mom, who would just nod along. That would get under Lola’s skin even more and cause her to argue harder. The circle went round and round until Lola would want to scream, “Stick up for yourself, dammit. Feel strongly about something for once!” She knew she wasn’t being fair, her mother had been conditioned to react that way by years of abuse, but she just couldn’t understand her continued passivity. Their relationship had actually improved a bit when Lola moved back to Chicago.

God, what did it say about her that all of her relationships worked better when she was far away?

“Mom, I’m sorry. All you’ve ever tried to do was keep me safe and make up for the shitty childhood I had and all I did was be a difficult pain in the ass.”

Her mom shook her head. “Lola, you brought back good grades, spent most of your time volunteering, and I didn’t even have to worry about you getting pregnant by accident because you dated only women in college. Anything else was minor.”

“You’ve bailed me out of jail multiple times.”

“That was because you were fighting for what’s right.”

“But—”

“Lola, I know we don’t usually agree on how to do things, but I have always been proud of you. You’re a force to be reckoned with and we need more women like you.”

But am I too much?

It was a question that had played in her head since the night at the hospital. Saint had basically called her self-centered and unyielding. He’d told her that she didn’t take anyone else’s needs, wants, or feelings into account when it came to her decision-making and she would not give quarter even when faced with evidence that she should.

The truth was that she feared he was correct. Lola honestly wasn’t sure that happiness was ever a goal she strived for. It didn’t factor into her mission. Having been born into a world of constant combat, it seemed like her destiny was to always be fighting. She had been forged in battle. She had the tools and the training that others did not. Therefore it was her responsibility to use them for the greater good. It was her purpose. But what if it wasn’t? What if there had been another path this entire time and she’d ignored it.

Did she even want to take that path? Was she so unsatisfied with the path she was on? What would happen to the people she was trying to help if she veered from this path?

Her mother’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. “Lola, your phone is ringing.”

“What?”

“Your phone.”

It was Casa del Sol. “Fuck.” She picked it up.

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