Page 105 of A Dish Best Served Hot

“Don’t end up like me,” Benny told Saint.

Saint dropped his head and stared at the table.

Lola wondered what was going through his head.

“And you.” Papo was looking at Lola.

She sat rigid in her seat, sure that she was about to hear some harsh truths she wasn’t ready for. Over the course of the last ten days she’d been doing a lot of thinking. She wondered about the truth in Saint’s claim that everything she did was her attempt to prove she wasn’t like her father. She was terrified that he was right and that Papo was about to prove it to her. She wanted to cover her ears and shout outla, la, la!

“You are a strong woman, una luchadora, like Joan of Arc. You fight for the people who are being treated unfairly by the people in power and you are good at it, but beware that you don’t end up a martyr. No one has said that you have to sacrificeeverythingfor the cause and not everything is a battle you must win. It’s okay to compromise sometimes and you are allowed to take things for yourself. It doesn’t mean you have lost and it doesn’t take away from your devotion. It means you value the people in your life and are willing to do what you have to for them to be happy and for you to be happy too. Don’t sacrifice your happiness.”

Lola was stunned. Was that really what she was doing, sacrificing the things that made her happy in order to continue fighting without compromise? She was. She felt so strongly about the importance of what she was fighting for that she was purposefully forgetting that she was also important. She thought about what she would tell anyone who was doing what she was doing. She’d tell them that self-care wasn’t selfish and that no one could pour from an empty cup. She’d remind them that they needed to enjoy life and appreciate the little wins. She’d remind them that it was okay to ask for and accept help. Yet here she was ignoring her own advice.

She felt like the biggest hypocrite.

Again, Lola asked herself what was more important to her. Did she want to be the selfless warrior her community needed or did she want to be happy? She stopped that thought in its tracks. Why couldn’t she do both? What was preventing her from being happy and continuing the work she loved?

The fact that what made her happy was Saint and Rosie, but the work she did made him unhappy.

It wasn’t that he didn’t support the causes or feel the same way about them as she did. Lola knew he understood the importance and he wanted to support her. The problem was that her way of doing things caused him to have literal panic attacks. It wasn’t fair to put him through that just as it wasn’t fair to expect Lola to give up fighting just to make him comfortable. They were at the same impasse. Lola knew there was a solution somewhere. She just needed some time to figure it out, because she was done feeling guilty for wanting to be happy. She was going to fight for her happiness and Saint and Rosie were key parts of that. She was no longer complete without them.

26

Saint was still sitting with his own revelation. He was a judgmental and delusional dick. His entire life he’d sat in this supposed knowledge that he was stronger, smarter, and more capable than others which was why they needed him. He’d honestly thought they needed his protection, his advice, his guidance in order to live their best life. When they proved that they didn’t, he was offended by it. Who did that? Entitled assholes, that’s who.

That was exactly what he’d done to Lola. He’d told her he wanted to support her, he’d told her that he loved her, he’d practically begged her to let him in. Then he’d spent the whole time judging how she did things, acting like he knew better than her, and trying to get her to do what he wanted. Of course she had kept things to herself and hadn’t let him totally in. He’d proven that he couldn’t be trusted with the most vulnerable parts of her.

He thought about what Benny had said.I spent most of my life with only myself as company and I am my own bully. It’s miserable.Saint understood that all too well. How was it that he could have this inflated sense of importance, but be so insecure at the same time? His thoughts about himself were harsher than anything anyone had ever said to his face yet he thought he was the one who was going to fix everyone else’s life.Make it make sense.

Here he’d been telling her that she didn’t know how to be a partner, but neither did he.

He looked over at Lola. She was looking back.

God, she was so beautiful. Just seeing her molten penny eyes and that spray of cinnamon across her nose and cheeks made him feel centered. Until that moment, he’d been like this spinning-top toy that Rosie had where the players use rip cords to launch the top and send it spinning. He’d been spinning wildly until he locked eyes with Lola and realized what he had to do.

He wanted to apologize to her right then and there, promise to do better, and ask her to give him another chance. But he’d learned that apologies were worthless without actions to back them up. He had to prove that he could be the partner she needed and that he could be trusted with her heart and the rest of her soft spots. He knew exactly what to do, but he’d need some help to do it.

Saint shot out of his chair. “I’ll be back.”

He didn’t miss the frown on Lola’s face. He knew if he opened his mouth again, he’d word vomit everything in his head before it was time. He held her gaze for another moment, praying that she understood what he was saying.Soon.

Then he turned and strode out of the room. He left Rosie at the front desk and stepped out of the front door. As soon as it closed behind him, he picked up his phone. The moment the person on the other side answered he said, “Hey, it’s Saint. Can we talk? I need your help.”

“You need my help?” Eva sounded both surprised and suspicious.

“Yes, you’re the only one who can help me.”

“I’ll do my best. What’s up?”

“I know you aren’t supposed to talk about the secret project, but I have a question for you.”

“Okay...”

“This guy you’re working for, is he in charge of everything?”

“Yes. He’s the main investor, the writer, the lead, everything. I mean, he has people to help, but the buck stops with him.”

“And he wants to keep this completely under wraps?”

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