Page 57 of A Dish Best Served Hot

Abuelo sat back with his eyebrows high on his forehead. They stared at each other for a few seconds. “I know your pain, mijo,” Abuelo eventually said after a quick glance at Rosie. “I know exactly what it’s like to lose the woman you love too soon...” He trailed off, his mind no doubt drifting to Abuela Rosa Luz, the woman he’d loved from the moment they met to the moment she closed her eyes for the last time.

That was the problem. Saint hadn’t gotten the chance to grow to love his wife. His knowledge of the exact time that had passed since her death didn’t stem from an abundance of love, but an abundance of guilt. Maybe if their relationship had been founded on love instead of responsibility and sensibility, maybe if he had tried harder to create even a friendship with her, maybe if he hadn’t been so blinded by his own self-importance...maybe, maybe, maybe. But the fact was that he hadn’t done anything right regarding his wife and because of that his daughter didn’t have a mother. Because of that he was constantly floundering, trying desperately to make it up to Rosie but always falling short.

He looked over at her just when she happened to glance up at him. Everything about her face, from the deep bow of her top lip to the soulful eyes that were almost too big for her tawny brown face, was a carbon copy of her mother. Saint felt a pang in his chest. He loved this little girl so much, more than he ever thought himself capable of loving anyone, and she wouldn’t talk at school because she had undiagnosed anxiety. Something he’d completely missed the signs of.

He ignored the spark of anger that always flared when he thought about how unfair it was for him to be doing this alone. Then the guilt was back stronger than ever because Robyn had probably felt the same when she’d been alone taking care of newborn Rosie and Saint had been off fighting a war he no longer even believed in. If he’d been home with his wife and infant daughter he would’ve seen how worn out Robyn was. He would’ve intervened and she wouldn’t have wrapped her car around a tree after falling asleep at the wheel. But knowing that and vehemently wishing it hadn’t happened were two completely different things.

In the end the result was the same: he was now Rosie’s sole parent and it was his responsibility to raise her to be happy, healthy, and well prepared for the world she’d find herself in. Too bad he had no idea how to do that.

“Saint, you’re too young to go the rest of your life trying to do everything alone. Being alone is exhausting.”

“I’m not alone,” Saint said.

Abuelo nodded. “Of course you have us and we do what we can, but it’s not the same as having a partner, someone whose strengths make up for your weaknesses, someone who understands you, supports you, and completes you in a way that no one else can.”

Saint could only shake his head. He absolutely did not want that. For as long as he could remember he’d been an outcast in his own family: quiet, serious, and taciturn when everyone else was loud, vibrant, and fun-loving. God knew he loved his family and would do anything for them and they would do the same for him, but sometimes he just didn’t get them and he knew they felt the same about him. However, he didn’t want their understanding. He didn’t want them to know him, truly know him, because then they’d see through the facade. They’d know he wasn’t the strong, steady, and dutiful war hero they thought he was.

“No one else is raising Rosie but me and we are doing just fine.” He collected their trash, scooped his little girl into his arms, and tried his damnedest to ignore the way his declaration tasted like the ash of a lie on his tongue. Thank god his grandfather for once didn’t push harder.

They walked through the doors of the ice cream shop and Saint lowered Rosie to her feet, but she immediately grabbed on to his hand. He gave hers a light squeeze and she used all the strength in her little hand to squeeze back. It was a game they played. It never failed to make his heart melt like his sundae. “Are you ready to go visit Wela and Welo, mamita?”

“Why can’t I go look at old buildings with you and Miss León?”

“Because your abuelos are leaving tomorrow, they’ll be gone for a while, and they want to spend time with you before they leave.” Saint would be forever grateful to the twins, Eddie and Cristian, for planning a last-minute cruise for their families and buying Mami and Papi tickets to go along. Even better, the cruise left from Puerto Rico, so his parents had decided to spend some extra time there with Mami’s family. Saint really felt this was what his parents needed to finally cut the cord to El Coquí. Once they began having adventures, he knew they wouldn’t stop. “Plus, I need you to babysit Abuelo Papo,” he added while ignoring the snort behind him. “He gets himself in trouble when you aren’t there to remind him of the difference between right and wrong.”

She nodded at him as if that made complete sense. Sadly, it sort of did. “Okay. I’ll make sure Abuelo Papo behaves and doesn’t make Welo mad.”

“It’s a father’s right to make his kids mad after all the times they made him mad,” Abuelo Papo declared. “It’s called the circle of life.”

“That sounds more like the circle of pettiness,” Saint told him.

“Yeah? Tell me that same thing again after this one goes through puberty.”

Saint shuddered and almost crossed himself. He was not looking forward to the teenage years. “Hurry up please. I don’t want to be late.” His truck was only a few feet away.

Abuelo purposefully began shuffling his feet. “I’m still waiting for you to tell me what happened with you two after high school.” At Saint’s alert look in his direction Abuelo laughed. “You think I didn’t know there was something going on back then? You were smiling nonstop for no reason.”

His abuelo was good at using his over-the-top personality as a distraction for just how observant he really was. It didn’t surprise Saint at all to find out that Abuelo had known there was something going on with Saint back then.

“I knew you were in love, I just didn’t know with whom until your abuela showed me the letter she’d found on the doorstep.”

Saint stopped walking. “You have the letter from Lola?”

Abuelo shook his head. “Your abuela and I thought it best if we got rid of it.”

Saint looked down to his daughter, who was watching them with wide eyes. “Get in the truck and buckle yourself in, okay?” He hit the button on his keys to unlock the door.

Once Rosie had closed the car door behind her, Saint turned on his grandpa. “I can’t believe you,” he said in a quiet but stern voice. He wanted Abuelo to know that it was not okay. “You had no right to read a letter addressed to me, you certainly had no right to get rid of it, and you definitely should have told me about it before now.”

Abuelo nodded, looking ashamed. “You’re right. I’m sorry. It wasn’t my place. I’m sure saying that I was trying to help isn’t enough.”

“Help how? Do you have any idea what I went through because I didn’t get that letter?”

“I do now, but at the time I was trying to protect you. I knew from experience how hard it was to serve. I knew that it would only get worse, but you’d made your choice. You were already gone and she was saying goodbye, not see you later.” He paused, his eyes earnest. “I just didn’t want to make it harder for you.”

Saint could understand Abuelo’s desire to protect him, especially given the message in the letter. That first year away had been the most difficult of his life and, if he were honest with himself, he didn’t know that getting the letter would’ve made it easier. Sure he would’ve known that Lola was safe, but he also would’ve known that she didn’t want to see him again, that he’d ruined their chance at happily-ever-after and couldn’t fix it.

“I forgive you,” he told Abuelo, because at this point what else was there to do about it.

---