Page 11 of Madden

B: I'm sure he would like that. Do you want to call me?

I don't expect him to answer quickly, but he does.

M: I'd prefer to meet in person if that's okay with you?

Why am I so nervous? It's not as if this is a date, or anything at all like that.

B: We can meet. When would be a good time for you? I'm off for the next couple of days. I know you're SRO, so I figure you're off in the evenings?

M: Yeah, if you can, we can meet at El Maguey. I'm kinda sick of The Café. I eat there way too much. Is that good for you?

B: Yeah, neither Stephanie, nor Mick like anything other than plain food. They wouldn't know seasoning if it jumped on their face and did a dance, unless it’s dipped chicken fingers. I'm excited, it's been too long. What time?

M: I can do six tonight, if that's okay?

B: I'll see you there.

M: I'll be out your way. I can pick you up.

Why is this mimicking a date so closely? I don't want to get my hopes up. He just wants to make sure Mick is good, and that's the most important thing in my life right now.

B: Sounds good. See you tonight.

M: See ya, I'll have to verify the apartment number, I just know the complex.

B: It's 1023, I'll be waiting outside if you let me know when you're almost there.

Putting my phone back in my pocket, I continue the long walk down the grocery aisle. One of the hardest things to do for Mick, has been to feed him. He's got a few food aversions and what he likes isn't the cheapest. When it was just me, I could live on ramen, and fried egg sandwiches.

I reach out for the expensive cereal that he likes, and fight with myself for a good minute, on whether or not I should buy it.

"It's not as cheap as it used to be is it?" A voice says behind me.

Turning, I notice Shelby, a local lawyer, who is engaged to another cop, Sullivan. I haven't worked with him much, but I've seen them together, and they are the cutest. "No." I shake my head. "It's not."

"I've been meaning to talk to you, but every time I come in, you're on a call or something. I know it's none of my business," she starts.

This is going to be one of those conversations I'm going to have to smile through. I'll grit my teeth, and tell herthanksfor her concern, then go home and have a good cry.

"Has anyone spoken with you about what your rights are as a guardian for your nephew? You will qualify for help, but you need to know what to ask for. The state should be giving you some money every month for his needs. Are they?" Her question is astute and to the point.

I'm so surprised I answer honestly. "Fuck no, no one has said that to me. I basically went to court and that day I went home with him. I was living in a one-bedroom apartment. I had to immediately ask my cousin if we could be roommates, because I couldn't afford a two-bedroom, much less a three-bedroom. She's the real MVP, because she did it without hesitating." Iunload on her. "But I'm struggling." Tears pop into my eyes and my throat closes as the emotions get the best of me. "I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not his mother, and I never thought this would be happening."

Shelby takes me in her arms, hugging me tightly. "Oh honey, you weren't represented, were you?"

"No." The tears come and they plummet down my face. "I wasn't even given a pamphlet on what to do. I had papers to sign, and those told anyone who asked that I was responsible for him, but I had and still have absolutely no idea what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing."

Shelby curses. "I hate when they do this. There should be support for families, and the courts just don't care. Look, I can't do it today, but can you come by my office tomorrow?"

I pull back, sniffling, brushing the tears from under my eyes. "Yeah, I can. I'll make time whenever you have it. Mick deserves better than what I'm giving him, and I desperately need someone to guide me through this. I'm so afraid that I'm harming more than I'm helping."

"We'll get through this." She assures me. "The women of the LSERT stick together, and I've heard that you and Madden have been spending time together lately."

I sniffle again. "We hang out at work." I defend myself. "But he just asked me if we could meet for dinner tomorrow to talk about Mick. He's the new SRO, and he met Mick today. I hope nothing bad happened, but he said he needed to talk to me, and preferred to do that in a different setting. So I don't really think we can call it a date, but he's coming to pick me up." I shrug, before pushing my hair back from my face. "I'm sure you didn't want to know any of that. Sometimes my mouth just spits everything out when I'm stressed, and I've never been as stressed as I am now."

"It's okay. Life is hard sometimes, and that's why we need friends who know more than we do. You're lucky you have me in your corner."

I don't know what to say, because I've never had someone to offer help like this before, and I've been blindly trying to feel my way through. I'm realizing how much I've been misinformed, and how much help I should've had that no one has given me. The past few months have been so lonely and isolating. I've worried about everything. Sat up on nights counting change, praying that I wouldn't have an emergency, and going over everything about our lives. I've replayed scenarios in my head, I've cried, I've prayed, and I'm ashamed to say I've given up.

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