Page 98 of Chaos

“It’s not like that.” When I don’t respond he adds. “Wejustslept.”

“Should we talk about birth control?”

“I’ve had that chat before.”

“Yeah,before.Not a year out, post plague. Condoms have expiration dates. You can’t trust them anymore.”

He looks appropriately appalled by that, but stays quiet.

Someday soon, Frankie will tell him and Auden about the blueberry baby, and he’ll remember this moment, and it’ll affect how he feels about her, or how he thinks I feel about her—and maybe how he feels someday when he learns he’s gotten a woman pregnant.

I haven’t let myself think it directly since Ben said the wordspregnancy glowto me—but I don’t want a baby.

I don’t need anymore people to care about. There are already too many. And I certainly don’t want a baby if it poses any threat to Frankie’s life.

But that’s my issue to grapple with.

Whatever conflict I feel about the blueberry, I can’t show it. Not to any of them. Not until I sort it out inside my head. “Sex can feel easy, but it opens up a lot of …” What word do I mean? Problems? Possibilities? I settle on … “Potentials.”

“I know,” he says quietly. “Don’t worry.”

Don't worry.

A thing we say. Likeit’s okay,Carl’s last words to me. Andwe’ll get through this.

They’re well intentioned, born of caring. In Carl’s case, I think forgiveness. In Shane’s absolution. He’s telling me it’snot my problem. He’s telling me he’s got it covered. Maybe he’s even asking me to trust him.

And I do.

Shane took a hammer to the hand trying to bring home a deer to feed us all.

Like Ruby gave her life fighting to get us free of Ben. And Shasta lost her vision. And Frankie sacrificed her freedom. And Wendell took a bullet looking for the woman I love.

They’ve all given something. It’s my turn.

I swallow down the rise of emotion.

“I trust you, Shane.” He looks sharply at me, but I keep going. “Just warning you, life would get a lot harder if you had a baby to protect. Whatever comes, you’re strong enough to handle it. You’re a great kid. Man. Person. I don’t know what I am to you, or you are to me, but—” I laugh-cough and look away so he won’t see the emotion rising up. “Whatever you are, I like you, and I care about you. You’re family. You’re good.” I squeeze his shoulder, and head back into the bedroom I share with Frankie to put on my own getup, and hope that’s something Shane will remember while I’m gone.

I think I hear a very faint, “So are you,” following after me.

23 |Bodies on delivery carts

FRANKIE

DID I POISON CAIN?

I go over it a million times in my head. We stirred the poison into Ben’s cupcake and only his cupcake.

But Cain was gray-faced and short of breath at breakfast and said he’d spent the night with his face in a bucket.

The poison book lists shortness of breath and vomiting as clear symptoms of poison for most herbs, but maybe rat poison is different?

I’ve never missed google and random Reddit threads more.

Could the poison have leached fumes that snuck across the pizza oven as the cupcakes backed? But then, why didn’t everyone get sick?

Maybe he just got a random stomach bug?

---