Page 48 of Waiting for Gilbert

I want… I wantmore. But I don’t know what. I’m reaching for something that eludes me. Letting Nathan see my weaknesses spilled out would only push me deeper into my dark corner. As long as I pretend to be this confident, adventurous girl who’s unafraid of life then everything will be fine.

Iamconfident and adventurous. But lately I feel small.

Insignificant.

A giant’s foot looms above me. I’m running and running, but the foot comes ever closer to crushing me.

I drop to the carpet and gather Jack’s toys into his basket. I line up the little pairs of shoes in front of the TV and make a pile of their picture books on the coffee table. My breath is running fast like I’ve been army crawling under the pews during church tag.

Nathan and Diana were the dream couple that met the first week of college and married a year later. They had Lauren before Diana’s junior year—the year Nathan opened his insurance business in Hadley Springs and moved them away from where I’d just started at UNK. Diana managed to graduate by taking online classes.

Nathan stole my sister from me.

My big sister will never understand what it’s like to be me. She can’t relate to the decisions I’ve had to make. Nathan has been her rock for eleven years. Foreleven yearsshe’s had him to talk to and make plans with. This entire decade she’s been lucky enough to wake up next to a best friend and share her thoughts.

I want that level of trust with someone.

I’ve put the living room to rights, and the corner of the gray sectional is as far as I can get away. I toss the fleece blanket over my head and curl into myself. In my cave, I scrub my face in my hands and wish it all away. I made a fool of myself in front of Nathan. Where’s the button to rewrite the past five minutes?

God, am I chasing a dream that isn’t for me? Is it wrong to take an active step in planning my future?

The couch dips beside me.

I bury my fingers in my hair and pull to the point of pain, needing a physical distraction before I explode.

A throat clears—Nathan—and I peek from the blanket.

He’s not looking at me, my closed laptop in his hands. “Diana suggested that I—well, that I—raise a white flag? I don’t know. I’m… sorry. I thought our constant teasing was harmless. Only teasing. But if I’ve taken it too far, or offended you… I’m sorry.” He holds up the computer. “I would never pry into your life. You don’t have to explain anything, defend your decisions, or be afraid of me. I’ve only ever wanted good things for you. I think you’re amazing, and I’d do just about anything for you. Diana, the kids, and you. You’re in the top three, Cordy.”

Diana hovers by the end of the couch with tears in her eyes. Cautious. I feel rotten that my sister is hesitant to approach me. “Will you trust him to read your profile? I think another pair of eyes would be helpful.”

I flip open the screen and return it to him. I stare at the far wall. If he’s surprised, he hides it well. He reads through my dating profile twice as fast as Diana did. They share a glance before he settles his contemplative gaze on me. I wave Diana over and she sits on my right.

She straightens the blanket around my knees.

I kick it off.

She picks it off the floor and folds it into quarters.

“You’re both a bunch of clipboards.” I slump farther into the corner. “Just get on with it. I promise I can take it.” Big talk coming from a girl who fled a minute ago.

Nathan leans forward. “We—Diana and I—we don’t think there’s anything wrong with online dating. We have nothing against it. It’s a great way to meet like-minded people who are outside of your regular locations. How else would you meet um—” He glances at the screen. “David the home inspector from Omaha, who might be your perfect match? But we worry you’re conforming into someone that’s not you. You haven’t lied in your profile, but it paints a different picture than who we know you to be.”

I’m boneless and melt off the couch onto the floor. “My profile is perfect.” I speak to the underside of the coffee table. “See for yourself how many clicks I got over the weekend.”

Nathan chuckles. “I see that. Very impressive. Did you notice all of these men are wearing suits or Old Navy sweaters? They don’t?—”

I pop from the floor, narrowly missing the table. “Look at yourself! You with your khakis and your collared button-ups. You’re wearing a sweater vest! You’re dressed for a family photo shoot with your Grandma every day.”

“Cordelia!” Diana calms only when Nathan rests a hand on her arm. I’m a pouty child. I cross my arms and pinch the flesh around my rib. The sharp pain redirects enough energy that I can keep my mouth shut.

Nathan grins. “You’re right, but you and I would never have made a good match. There’s a reason Diana caught me. You’re?—”

“I’m not the kind of girl men want to have families with. I get it.” There. I’ve said it out loud.

“What?” Nathan and Diana speak together.

Diana recovers first. “That’s nonsense.”

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