Page 11 of Waiting for Gilbert

Once I slide into the truck I stop my timer. Twenty-two minutes. Not bad at all. Winners get another cookie. Cheers to me.

The big house, as we lovingly call her, is a shell. She’s been gutted to the bones. The classic Victorian has electricity running to all the outlets but only a few overhead lights. There’s a working toilet but no shower. A spigot in the kitchen but no hot water.

Did I mention no central heating yet? Sure, there’s an open fireplace on the main floor and in each of the three upstairs bedrooms, but have you ever tried to heat a mansion with fireplaces? It would require servants. Plural. There’s a reason “woodcutter” used to be an occupation. The space heater is trained on the pipes in the kitchen to keep my water in liquid form.

She’s an oldoldroyal beauty. With missing teeth and bald patches. A hag. But she’s getting a facelift. That’s why I bought her.

Gilbert Conner will fix it.

Gilbert Conner, handy-man extraordinaire!

Gilbert Conner, the frozen musician whose fingers have morphed into unfeeling stumps of flesh that drop three matches in a pathetic attempt to light the kindling. “Come on, darling.” I speak sweetly to the fourth match. “This is your show now. You’re on.”

She strikes true. In building up the fire I pretend that I’m not at all anxious as to whom my new renter will be across the driveway, and ponder why the possibility of a female renter had never previously entered my mind.

5

CORDELIA

JOHN DENVER AND THE MUPPETS—DECK THE HALLS

Bing!

I emerge from the frothy bubbles that smell like orange juice and vanilla. What magic is this?

Careful not to drop my lifeline into the bath, I swipe a wet finger across the screen.

Diana: We went home! Aunt J says you’re in the bath??? What a crazy girl you are. Jack really did a number on you, huh.

Cordelia: It was against my will. I put up a fight. Noooooo don’t make me take a bath in your luxurious tub fit for royalty.

Cordelia: Have you seen this place?

Diana: I have. She kidnapped me on my birthday and had a spa day for me and friends.

Cordelia: Ohhh. I remember this, I didn't realize that was a local thing.

Diana: You thought we’d gone to a legit spa????

Cordelia: Um.

Diana: *GIF of baby throwing money out of a window.*

Cordelia: Do I want to know how many different naked people have been in this tub?

Diana: Would clothed people make you feel better about it?

Cordelia: Possibly.

Diana: She hires a weekly cleaning service. You’re golden.

Typing bubbles appear and disappear beside her name.

Cordelia: So I’ll see you later?

Diana: About that… don’t freak out.

Cordelia: Now I’m freaking out. You can’t lead with that!!

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