Page 33 of Save Me

“You didn’t do this, Jax.”

He doesn’t respond and instead moves his lips to my back, placing gentle kisses on top of angry skin. It doesn’t hurt, though, and instead I start to relax. I move forward slightly and bend over the mattress, lowering myself down until I’m sinking into the soft duvet. Jax is close behind me, and it’s not long until his lips are brushing against my ear.

“What do you want, love? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

“I want …”

I don’t know what I want.

“I want you to do whatever you want to me, Jax.”

He lets out a groan and I swear I can feel some of the hesitancy leave his body as his hips slowly grind against me.

I push myself deeper into the mattress, my face in the blankets, a cocoon of my own making.

I try to remind myself to arch into him and not away from him as his hands roam my skin. To want this, to want him, just like I used to. But the control I have over my own body starts to slip, and with each passing second, I can feel tension invading my bones and bile start to rise in my throat.

Focus, Evi.

I squeeze my eyes shut and try to picture Jax as his hands continue to caress my skin gently. But despite the gentleness of his touch, I can’t contain the familiar feeling of panic as it starts to take hold of my body.

Fuck you feel so good, Evi.I freeze at the sound of Tanner’s voice in my head. And for a split second, it feels like he’s here.

I can feel his skin against mine.

I can smell him beside me.

I can see him on top of me.

I dig my nail into my skin.

Focus, Evi.

I hear Jax’s voice, but it sounds far away. Despite how hard I try to bring myself back to him, I struggle to focus and the present moment suddenly feels impossible to grab onto again.

I don’t realize Jax has stopped running his hands over my back until I feel the mattress beside me sink under his weight.

“Look at me, love,” he commands.

My body heaves as I try to focus on his voice, and I shake my head as I try to banish the image of Tanner from my mind.

I feel as though I’m losing hold of my breath, and no matter how quickly I try to breathe, I can’t fill my lungs fast enough aspanic brings me straight to the edge and threatens to throw me into the chasm below.

“Look. At. Me.”

His voice carries an authority I can’t ignore; gentle yet commanding.

I shift slightly so I’m facing him, and our eyes meet.

I can’t quite read what it is he’s feeling, his eyes ablaze with an emotion I don’t have the energy to try and understand right now.

He takes my face in his hands, firmly, yet with a tenderness I’ve missed.

“You are here, love.”

A small sob escapes my lips as the tears start to run freely down my face.

“You are here. You are safe. Breathe with me.”

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