Page 35 of Save Me

“It was a long time ago, love. A really long time ago.” He lets out a sigh as if he’s trying to keep his own emotions at bay.

“We don’t have to talk about her if you don’t want to.”

“All in or all out, love, remember?” he says with a sad smile.

I nuzzle into him, whether to comfort him or myself, I’m not sure. All I know is the story that’s about to leave his lips is not going to be a happy one.

“We were young when we entered the foster system together. I was seven and she was a year younger than me. We had already been through so much together, losing our mum and dad, only for children’s services to take us away from all the other family we’d ever known. I know they were trying to do what they thought was best, and they didn’t want us to be near a family that built their empire on criminal activities, but they didn’t seem to care who they gave us to.” He trails off as if getting lost in a memory.

“I can’t imagine, Jax. I’m so sorry.”

“The first house wasn’t too bad, but it didn’t last long before they decided they weren’t ready for kids who were dealing with so much. Alice—my sister—used to cry a lot, especially at night. And I think they got sick of her waking them up constantly. So, we got moved to another house and the pattern continued. No one wanted to put in the time to actually help her, to try and understand what she was going through. They thought just because she was a kid she should be resilient enough not to feel her losses so deeply. But Alice was always that way, she felt everything deeply. Even as a toddler—I have vague memories of Mum consoling her when she accidentally stepped on ants or when the flowers she picked would wilt and die.”

Another sad smile finds its way to his lips, and he kisses me tenderly on the forehead before continuing.

“We moved houses together for a year. The last house we were in together was horrible. I remember it as though it were yesterday. They beat us the day we arrived and every day we stayed there with them.”

A memory of something Ryan once said rings loudly in my head. ‘I’m not exaggerating when I say no one could believe their eyes when Jax showed up at our house that morning. He was black and blue, covered in bruises and scars. He had been through it.’

“I got it bad, but Alice got it the worst. They wouldn’t stop until she stopped crying, but she was only seven at the time. Fucking seven years old. Of course she was going to cry. Her screams still haunt my nightmares…” He trails off and shakes his head, as if trying to erase his own memories that threaten to overwhelm him.

“A few months later we were removed from their care, but they separated us. That’s when I met Ryan—living with him and our foster parents. And it was the last time I saw Alice until I was eighteen.”

“What was she like when you saw her again?” I ask quietly, hoping for the best but dreading the answer I know I’m about to hear.

“Broken, love. She was completely broken.” He closes his eyes before continuing, “My luck improved after that last house, but Alice’s hadn’t. As soon as I turned eighteen, I went back to my family—working with my uncle and cousins—and tried to find her. I looked everywhere, but all I could find were records of a few hospital stays before she turned fourteen. The last thing on her file was a missing person’s report just before her fifteenth birthday… She ran away from foster care, and no one had seen her since.”

He pauses, taking a deep breath as his hand fidgets with the blanket wrapped around me, seemingly trying to collect himself.

“I didn’t know where to look for her. I hadn’t seen her since I was eight, and no one in our family had kept tabs on her. I knew the address of her last foster home and that’s it. But trying to find a missing teenager in a city is like looking for a needle in a haystack, and it felt like that. I found her, eventually, completely by chance. I was walking home from a job with my cousins and I saw a girl leaning up against the side of the building.”

He lets out a shaky breath and my heart stills in my chest as I wait for him to continue, hanging onto his every word.

“It was winter and bloody freezing, and all she was in a skirt and slinky top, shivering against the wind. I didn’t think much of it at first, after all, it wasn’t unusual to see young girls in certain occupations. But there was something about her that made me walk up to her. Her hair wasn’t as blonde as I had remembered Alice’s being, but as I got closer, I knew it was her. Her eyes hadn’t changed, the mix of green and blue was unmistakable. And the birthmark she always had was still there, a patch of freckles on her lower arm, so close together she used to call it her Dalmatian spot.” He lets out a strained laugh and I don’t knowhow to respond, the love and the grief of his memories woven so tightly together. So, I run my hand over his chest until it rests just above his heart.

“She didn’t recognize me at first, after all, I had changed a lot in ten years. But when she did… I’ll never forget the way her eyes lit up. At the time it was the happiest I had ever felt. Finding her. I had dreamed of the day since they separated us. But the joy was short-lived.”

“What happened to her?”

“Life, I guess. She was so lost, love. All the happy memories so far in the past that she lost all hope of it getting better. She was an addict. And a sex worker. And she put up a hard fight to turn it around, but in the end, she couldn’t, and we were too late finding her. I was too late.”

“I am so sorry.” I feel the grief surge through him as he closes his eyes.

“She killed herself a few weeks before I turned nineteen. And then I killed the guy who got her hooked on drugs, the one who called himself her pimp.”

It’s my turn to feel a wave of grief wash over me, both at the profound loss Jax experienced so young, and at the idea of him losing so much of his own innocence before he even had a chance to experience life.

“I’ll never forgive myself for not being able to help her.”

You remind me of someone I used to know.

I’m shocked by the realization.

“So that’s what you meant by—”

“You reminded me of her, love,” he whispers. “The way you were when I first saw you. So free-spirited and so full of life. It reminded me of how Alice always was as a little kid. Covered head to toe in paint, smiling, and always having fun. And when I saw you again—I saw how much you had changed. And while the circumstances were different, it reminded me how dark life hadbecome for her. And I just couldn’t let it happen to anyone else. Not when I had the ability to help.”

I feel like a piece of the puzzle has clicked into place now that I know why Jax chose me, why he stuck around through all my ups and downs. And I find peace in his confession that I didn’t realize I was waiting for.

---