Page 40 of Save Me

I don’t respond as I take another deep breath, willing myself to find some semblance of calm deep within me. I focus on the burn of the hot coffee mug against my hands.

“Are you okay?” she asks.

“I’m just tired,” I say, trying to put the walls back up that I’ve struggled so hard to maintain. “I clearly woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I just need a good night of sleep and I’ll feel better.”

“Go take a long shower,” she suggests, “then crawl back into bed. Do you work today? Because if not then there’s nothing keeping you from spending the whole day resting.”

I try not to think about work and the memories from my last shift that I’d rather forget. I don’t know how I’ll manage to step foot back in that place without being reminded of what transpired there.

“Thanks, Sam,” I say, unsure of how to continue this conversation without telling her more than I’m ready to. “I think I might go have a nap.”

“Okay, and Evi?”

“Yeah?”

“You know you can call me whenever, right? Even if you don’t want to talk about what’s wrong… I’m only a text or a call away if you need someone to keep you company.”

“I know, I’m fine, honestly. Thank you though,” I say softly.

I don’t stop pacing, not until long after the call with Sam ends. I can’t seem to hold onto the calm within me, my heart still pounding and my teeth starting to ache from clenching my jaw so tightly. It’s as if there has been a tiny crack in the floodgates, and suddenly anger has washed over me, and I can’t figure out where it is coming from.

There’s too much going on in my head, too much for me to process through, everything feeling as though it’s out of my control. So I do what Sam suggested, putting my coffee down loudly on the counter as I walk back to the bedroom, crawling under the blankets and spending the day lying there, staring out the window until the sun sets and Jax’s warm body crawls into bed beside me. I lay awake well past dawn, even the birds singing does nothing to calm the turmoil within me, until finally I close my eyes and drift off into a nightmare.

CHAPTER 18

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Iwalk towardsthe kitchen, my foul mood following me out of the bedroom after another night of no sleep, the constant nightmares making me feel exhausted, my night spent trembling and vomiting instead of actually resting. I need a distraction from my emotions, from the hurricane of thoughts and memories swirling inside of me, my heart rate refusing to settle and my body on edge. The anger that’s lodged in my chest feels like a fire that refuses to be extinguished.

I hate it, I hate it so much. The inability to sit still, to feelpeacein my home, in my ownbody. I hate not being able to decipher why I’m feeling the way I am, and why no matter what I feel, I immediately think I should be feeling something else. Nothingfeelsright, and I’m agitated. I debate going back to my apartment, of trying to see if I can find rest and comfort within the dilapidated brick walls I came to love so much, after all, Jax is still paying for my rent. But I shake the thought from my head as I realize that isolating myself in my old apartment probably isn’t going to solve my problems.

I overhear Ryan and Jax talking, their voices becoming louder as I get closer to the kitchen. I pause in the doorway to see both leaning against the countertop, lost in their own conversation. Their coffees sit untouched as their conversation forges ahead, their hurried voices and rigid posture tells me they’re discussing something serious, something that istriggering to both of them. It only takes me a few moments to realize they’re talking about me.

Ryan’s voice grows louder as he responds to something Jax says. “We found her as fast as we could.”

“But you didn’t, did you?” I interrupt. They turn to me quickly, surprise on both their features as they see me in the doorway. My eyes lock onto Jax’s as I walk towards the kitchen island, and I quickly lose control of the frustration that has been building within me. I grip the kitchen counter, the cool marble quickly warming under my touch.

“What?” he asks, as they both continue to stare at me.

“You didn’t find me fastenough, did you?” The anger in my chest quickly consumes my whole body, turning into a wild rage trying to break free.

“Evi, that’s not fair…” Ryan starts, looking between me and Jax.

“Not fair? What they did to me wasn’t fair. Do youknowwhat they did to me?” I ask with a laugh, the sound feeling wrong as it leaves my lips. “Do you know what Ilethim do to me?”

My body is shaking as I’m flooded with all the emotions I’ve kept at bay the last few weeks, the memories playing on a nonstop reel in my head, every vivid detail being relived again and again as I struggle to decipher the past from the present. I rake my hands through my hair, fighting the urge to scream as I try to put everything into words.

“Love—” Jax starts as he moves towards me. “I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, whatever you did, you did to survive…”

I cut him off before he can say anything else.

“Ilethim Jax. I didn’t even put up a fight.” The words feel like poison on my lips, the shame and guilt acidic on my tongue.

“Your back,” Ryan says, looking confused. “You said you tried to leave and that’s how you got hurt. Youdidfight.”

My skin feels like it’s crawling, and I turn from them, pacing the length of the island. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a precipice, trying to back away, both afraid of falling and throwing myself over the edge. The inner conflict only adds to the frustration I’m feeling, and I don’t know how to put it into words, how to make anyone understand how broken I feel. How tarnished I feel. How I don’t even feel safe in my own body, a body that betrayed me.

I can feel my face tighten as the emotions roll through me, as thoughts claw their way into my mind, telling me that if the person I used to be no longer exists, then maybe the person I am today shouldn’t either.

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