Page 41 of Save Me

“Talk to us,” Jax says, his voice steady, commanding.

I look up to him, only to find his own features wrought with worry and sympathy, unaware of how the words I will say next will ruin us. Even I’m not naive enough to think we can make it through this unscathed.

I pause my pacing and look at him sadly, closing my eyes to hold the tears at bay.

“I didn’t fighthard enough.” A pained sob escapes me as the confession leaves my lips as the guilt I’ve been holding onto is now out in the open. I wait for them to say something, anything, but silence meets my ears and I continue to talk, the secrets I’ve kept buried these past few weeks finally breaking free.

“I could have done so much more. Ishouldhave done so much more,” I continue as my stomach rolls, nausea coating my admission as sweat coats my skin. My heart is beating out of my chest, but I carry on. “I should have foughtharder…I should have tried to run away every single day,” I whisper, not bothering to wipe the tears away from my face. “One scratch. One fucking scratch on his face. That’s the only mark I left the whole time I was there. Some fighter I am. And what did I do after that?”

I look between the two of them, both frozen in shock, Jax’s features slowly darkening.

“I laid on my back and just let him. I.Let. Him. And I will never forgive myself for that, for anything that happened. I should have done something, anything, to get out of there, to run away. And instead, what did I do? I stared at the door andhoped.” The word tastes bitter in my mouth. “I hoped that I would hear you coming to save me. Hoped that he’d change his mind and stop. But that never happened, and I believed what they all said, that you didn’t care anymore. So, I stopped caring too,” I say with a sob, looking between the two of them.

Jax hasn’t moved once, and I can see the thoughts as they swirl around his head, the shift in his demeanor tangible as his own emotions bubble to the surface.

“Fuck,” Ryan mumbles quietly under his breath. He grips the edge of the island until his knuckles turn white as he looks at the floor between his arms while something like defeat washes across his features.

“The night I found you,” Jax says quietly, “please tell me that was the first time, theonlytime they hurt you.” He says it with desperation in his voice and anger in his eyes.

I shake my head, unable to look at him, unable to watch as the way he looks at me inevitably changes, as he realizes that I’m not worth it, that I’m as tarnished as I feel. I close my eyes against the thoughts swirling inside of me, but it doesn’t provide me with any relief, not when the first thing I see is Tanner on top of me, as I’m transported back into the bedroom at the lake. The memories feel so real that I’m no longer in the kitchen with Jax and Ryan, and instead I’m underneath Tanner, his body pressed on top of mine, his voice in my ear, and his greedy hands digging into my skin.

My heart starts beating wildly, my breaths become short and shallow, and my lips part as I’m suddenly unable to getenough oxygen in through my nose. My hands shake against the countertop, and despite my best efforts to try and lock everything down I feel like I’m falling, the roaring in my ears drowning out everything around me.

I jump as a hand rests on top of my own, its warmth radiating into me. I open my eyes slightly, and even through the tears I can make out a rose tattoo.

“Look at me,” he says, but despite his even tone I can’t bring myself to look at him.

I startle for a split second as he brings his hand under my chin, guiding my head up so I’m face-to-face with him.

“Breathe with me, love,” he says, as he takes a deep inhale, holding it for a few seconds before slowly exhaling. We stand like this for what feels like forever, and at some point, he pulls me into him, the sound of his heart calming my own as my head rests on his chest. He doesn’t say a word, not until the shaking stops and my breathing is less frantic.

“How many times?” he asks, and even though his voice is calm I can hear the promise of violence hidden within.

I shake my head, not wanting the words to become truth, and my chest feels as though nothing is stopping it from caving in on itself.

He takes my face gently in his hands, until our foreheads are touching, the proximity both comforting and terrifying, as I know he will see right through any lie I tell him. Even though I know the truth needs to be freed, I’m not sure I can find the words to describe everything that happened… not yet anyway.

“This will change how you feel about me…” I start quietly.

He pulls away, his eyes searching mine. “There is nothing,nothing, you could say to make me love you any less. You didn’t do anything wrong, and I can promise that nothing you say will change that.”

I take a deep breath as I look into his eyes, alight with worry and anger, the latter not directed at me.

“Tell me how they hurt you? How many times did they hurt you?” he asks firmly.

I look at his shirt in front of me, opening my mouth before closing it again quickly. I shake my head as tears slide slowly down my face.

“Please don’t make me say it all out loud,” I sob quietly.

I hear a sharp intake of breath from across the room, followed by heavy footsteps as Ryan retreats to somewhere else in the house. Moments later I jump as a deafening bang echoes through the room, followed by the sound of breaking glass.

“He’s angry?” I ask quietly, but Jax remains silent.

It feels like torture, waiting for him to say something—anything—as the seconds tick by.

I wait for him to tell me to leave, to tell me he was wrong, and it is my fault, that I should have found a way to leave, or I should have put up more of a fight. I wait for him to react like Ryan, clearly upset by my choices and my lack of strength during this whole situation.

But the words don’t come, and instead strong arms pull me closer, my head once again resting on his chest as gentle hands hold me, as if he’s worried I might break under his touch.

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