Page 42 of Save Me

His heart is pounding in his chest, the only clue that he is fighting his own battle, his touch never giving away anything except comfort and care.

He takes a deep breath and pulls away slightly, looking at me once again.

My breath catches as I look into his eyes, the emerald green seemingly darker, dancing with a rage screaming to be unleashed.

“Who?” he asks, his voice dripping with violence. “Which one did this to you?”

My lip trembles as I open my mouth, his name caught in the back of my throat like the bile I try to swallow. I never would have thought saying a name would take so much effort.

“Tanner,” I say quietly.

*

I’m standing atthe huge window in our room, watching the stars sparkle brightly in the night sky and the busy city lights flash in the distance. I haven’t even tried to go to sleep yet, my emotions too raw and my memories playing like nightmares on a loop in my head. My confession in the kitchen earlier feels like a double-edged sword; while it feels like a weight has been lifted, it also feels as though I have lost the hold I had on my emotions, and I feel vulnerable and nervous.

I jump at the sound of a light knock on the door. Moments later Ryan peeks his head into the room.

“Can I come in?” he asks.

I clear my mind, trying to focus on everything around me as I nod in response.

As he enters the room I can’t help but think about his outburst just hours before, remembering how mad he was to learn that I didn’t fight back, and a new anxiety builds within me.

Ryan strides across the room, and just like Jax, his tall frame and muscular build would be intimidating if it weren’t for the fact I actually know him, know just how much kindness radiates through him… most of the time. Ryan sits on the edge of the bed, and there’s something about him that I can’t read. His usual playfulness and easy-going nature is nowhere to be found, and instead there’s a darkness behind his eyes. His eyes meet mine, and his brows furrow together, and I notice a familiar look on his face.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry about earlier—about storming out. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay, I get it,” I say solemnly, trying to keep anything else from cracking within me.

“You do?”

“I’d be mad too if I were you.” I sigh, defeat washing over my features. “You guys tried so hard to find me, so hard to save me, and what was I doing? Literally nothing, just taking everything that was thrown my way. I should have tried to leave again, I should have fought harder, and I should have made your rescue attempt worth it… trust me when I say that you can’t be any more disappointed in me than I already am.”

He opens his mouth to say something, but I cut him off again. “You don’t have to pretend anymore. I know what you’re thinking, how I should have tried harder, how I should have found a way to—”

Ryan holds up a hand and I stop talking.

“You think I’mdisappointed?”

“Aren’t you? You stormed out when I admitted I could have tried harder, when I told you what I let him do…” I trail off as he runs his hand over his face, his features contorted with emotion.

“I’m not disappointed, Evi. I’mdevastated. We both are.”

“What?” Shock rolls through me at his confession and I look at him again, truly look at him, and I realize it’s a profound sadness I’m seeing on his face.

“I’m disgusted by what was done to you, by what you had to endure when we weren’t there for you.”

I freeze as this conversation takes a very different turn than I anticipated, and I watch as Ryan rubs his hands over his eyes, listening as he starts to speak, his words heavy on his lips.

“We didn’t know who took you at first. There are so many people we’re in business with—so many who would love to have a way to get to us, to have us wrapped around their fingers.People who have been in the crime world for decades, if not longer. We never thought Rhett would do this. The first twenty-four hours were hell, and I mean literal hell, Evi.” Ryan looks at me, his memories flashing through his eyes. “I have never seen Jax lose it the way he did. He is calculated, cold, and cut-throat most days, in this industry you have to be. But that day… that day broke him. The panic he felt—that we both felt—at the thought of someone taking you, at the message they left us… your underwear—” Ryan takes a shaky breath and looks at the ground. “We knew what the message was when we found that, and we knew it was definitely not a random attack, not when you’re involved with Jax. When our initial checks came back empty, we explored other options.”

I start pacing back and forth, refusing to let myself relive that night, but needing to hear what Ryan has to say.

“We looked everywhere. We finally realized it was Rhett, and then we found you.” He takes a deep breath, seemingly steadying himself. “And I am so fucking sorry we didn’t find you faster.”

I feel a tear slide down my cheek as I struggle to keep everything at bay, struggle not to feel the sadness that radiates from Ryan, struggle not to feel everything I felt that night and everything since.

“I got there just as Jax was bringing you out, carrying you down the stairs. At first, I thought you were wearing a red shirt.” He closes his eyes for a second as he takes another deep breath, his hands clench into fists at his side. “You were covered in blood, absolutely covered, and so was Jax. I had no idea what had happened, no idea who the blood belonged to. And when I looked in Jax’s eyes, I saw the absolute fury there, and panic.Hewas panicked, Evi. I have never seen him panic about anything in my life. He shouted at me to ‘clean it up’ as he put you in my car to bring you back here… I realized two things as soon as I walked through the door: not all the blood belonged to you twoand they must have hurt you, must have done something to you, for Jax to slaughter them.”

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