Page 43 of Save Me

I swear I stop breathing as I hang onto Ryan’s every word.

“There was blood everywhere. There is no way I could have cleaned that up enough to cover our tracks properly. It was… it was a lot. So, I torched the place.” He says it so casually that I’m taken aback.

“And when Jax told me what they did to you, when I saw what they did to you, how you acted when you first woke up… There’s no way I’d ever judge anything you did—which, by the way, was survive the best way you knew how, just like Jax said.Theydisgust me. What they didto youdisgusts me. There’s no way you could disappoint me in this situation. I’m in awe that you’re even functioning at all right now, that you’re here, with us, and moving forward. Your strength is admirable, and I think you’ve shown more bravery than Jax and I have combined.”

I look away at his confession, unsure of how to process what he is saying. I definitely don’t feel very brave at all.

“If it were me in your shoes I don’t know if I’d be able to get through everything that you have. I’d be breaking apart at the seams, and yet”—he gestures vaguely at me—“you’re here, getting through it.”

I try to hold back the tears as I process everything I’ve just heard, unsure of how to receive such praise, especially from Ryan, who is usually too busy being sarcastic to make profound emotional statements. I run my finger over my thumb as I debate saying more, debate telling him how meaningful his words are, debate telling him that I am breaking—that I am thoroughly broken—but all the shattered pieces are in places he can’t see, in places I won’t even let myself see. So, I do what I’ve always done, I box it up and bury everything I feel somewhere deep within me, because I’ll be fine. Iamfine.

Ryan’s voice startles me from my thoughts, and I look at him through tear-filled eyes, only to see a mischievous look on his face. “Or,” he drawls slowly with a small smile, “if blaming yourself and imagining I’m disappointed in you will help fuel the rage you’ll need when we find the others, then by all means, let’s stick with your original belief until you can let out some pent-up anger on them.”

I let out a sound that’s half laugh, half sob, and Ryan stands, giving me a brief hug before stepping back.

“I’m here if you need anything. I’ve said it before but you’re important to Jax, and what’s important to him is important to me.”

I sag onto the bed, lying down as relief washes over me. I try to wrap my head around it, try to believe Ryan’s explanation, that he’s not mad at me, not blaming me. And I repeat it like a mantra as I slowly drift off to sleep.

CHAPTER 19

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Ipush thefront door open and am immediately greeted by a blast of warmth from within the house. I shrug off my jacket and kick off my shoes, rubbing my hands together to warm them up as I walk towards the office. Jax is right where I left him an hour ago when I headed outside to try and clear my head.

He smiles warmly at me, and I swear I’ll never get used to the way I feel when his eyes linger on me before he motions for me to take a seat beside him. I barely have time to brush my lips against his before Ryan comes striding into the room, his frustration a palpable presence around him.

“What’s going on?” I ask as I sink into the chair beside Jax.

“We intercepted Winston,” he says, walking towards us.

I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, but it’s not this.

“You found him? What happened?” I stammer, caught off guard.

“Things went sideways, and he was eliminated by our guys. Much to our annoyance.”

I look to Jax, his jaw feathering with frustration.

“I wanted to have a little talk with him first,” Jax says, his voice calm despite the tension rolling off his body.

“And we almost had Rhett, but he lost our tail just outside of Paris,” Ryan says, his irritation flowing into his voice as he looks at Jax.

Jax drums his fingers against the stone table slowly, and I can practically hear the gears turning in his head.

“How exactly did he manage to lose our guys, when he wasn’t supposed to even know he was being followed?” he asks, and I can tell he’s trying to keep his own frustration in check.

“Trust me, you’ll be the first to know when I get to the bottom of this.”

Jax nods and I look between the two of them.

“Is this the first time something like this has happened? What do we do next?” I ask out of curiosity.

“I think you give us too much credit sometimes, love,” Jax says, placing his hand over my own.

“Most of the time things go smoothly,” Ryan says with a wink. “But this isn’t the first time a plan hasn’t gone the way we want it to.”

“In terms of this specific situation, the plan is slightly more challenging…” Jax muses.

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