Page 57 of Save Me

“You’re encouraging me to do this?” Confusion sweeps over me as I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees.

“No, I’m telling you how to be safer if youchooseto do this,” he says, absentmindedly playing with the tassels on the throw blanket beside him.

“And you know how to be safer because…”

“Because my extracurricular activities are a little…differentthan yours.”

He gives me a devilish grin as my jaw drops.

“You do this for… fun… with people? Like people want you to do this to them and you get…Wait. Nope, never mind. Don’t answer that. I don’t want to know.” I shake my head and can’t help but smile, feeling lighter having talked to him.

Ryan lets out a laugh before standing up, the knife still being twirled around by skillful, and apparently experienced, fingers.

“This will be back in the kitchen”—he gestures to the knife in his hands—“and I hope you know I have to let Jax know about this.”

I swallow nervously at the thought.

“Do you think he’ll still look at me the same when he knows what’s going on up here?” I gesture to my head.

Ryan pauses before answering me.

“I don’t think there’s anything you could say to him that would make him care any less about you, if that’s what you’re worried about. And I think that once you start talking to him about everything you’re thinking, his response might surprise you.”

Ryan gives me a smile as he leaves the room, and I think about everything he said as the door clicks shut behind him.

CHAPTER 25

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Ifeel himin the room before I hear his voice, as if a part of me is drawn to him even in my sleep.

When I open my eyes, he’s sitting in the chair he’s dragged over to the window, lost in thought as he stares at the sparkling city lights below.

I pull off the covers and shiver as the cold air caresses my skin.

“Penny for your thoughts,” I ask quietly as I make my way over to him, my hand dragging lightly across his shoulders before resting on his cheek.

I feel the butterflies in my stomach as his eyes meet mine, eyes that I’ll never get used to looking at me with such desire behind them.

“Come sit, love,” he says thickly.

I do what he asks, draping my legs over him so I’m straddling him, flush against his body, heat radiating between us where our thighs meet, and a familiar sensation gathering between my legs where our clothes touch.

His lips meet mine, and I close my eyes, enjoying the feel of him against my mouth, the warmth of his body and my desire flooding through me.

“Ryan told me about your conversation earlier,” he muses quietly.

My desire evaporates quickly as my hands turn clammy and my heart starts to race. I wait for him to let me know what he thinks about everything I confessed to Ryan just hours ago.

“All in or all out, love, remember? You can talk to me about these things, about anything.” He pushes a strand of hair out of my face, tucking it gently behind my ear. “Nothing will change the way I feel about you, nothing can take you off the pedestal I’ve put you on, but I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.”

“I don’t think I really knew how to put it into words until I started talking to Ryan.” My voice is quiet as I try to process everything I want to tell Jax, unsure of where to start. I take a breath. “I wouldn’t have told Ryan if he hadn’t caught me taking the knife.”

His fingers are gentle against my cheek as he brushes a wayward strand of hair behind my ear. “You’re so good at pretending you’re fine, so good at putting on a mask, that I worry about what’s actually going on beneath the surface, in here.” He places his hand on my heart. “I worry that you’re drowning on the inside, screaming for help where no one can hear you, so focused on fighting this battle by yourself that you forget you have me by your side. All in or all out. There’s nothing you can do or say that will push me away. Wherever you go I’ll follow you, and if that path drags you straight to hell, then the devil better be ready for me.”

I bring my lips back to him, feeling underserving of his unwavering devotion. I pull away slowly, savoring the taste of his lips on mine as I gather my thoughts.

“I wanted to tell you. I thought about telling you. I didn’t choose to tell him instead of you, is what I’m trying to say.” I take a breath, trying to find the words I’m looking for. “I know doing this sounds stupid and is one hundred types of fucked up, but it just makes sense to me… God this sounds idiotic. MaybeI should’ve had Ryan commit me to a psych ward.” I give a feeble laugh, as I try to lighten the mood, the tension within me uncomfortable to navigate.

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