Page 79 of Save Me

“I think you’re missing one key component in all of this, Evi.”

I raise an eyebrow at her, unsure of what she’s going to say next, besides perhaps deeming me as certifiably insane.

“Consent,” she says matter-of-factly. “If you’re consenting to this with a partner, with someone you trust, it is very differentthan someone doing this to you, and I don’t think it’s ‘fucked up’ at all.”

I can’t help but smile at her use of air quotes as she continues, “So if you feel ready, emotionally and physically, to engage in sex like you used to have it, or whatever sexual activities you want for that matter, then go for it. But one thing I would like you to do is to check in with yourself before, during, and after. To be mindful that certain activities can be—will likely be—triggering, but some may be really empowering. Knowing that you’re with someone who will listen to you, to your needs and your comfort levels, who will stop when you say stop no matter the situation, can help you reclaim this part of you that you feel is broken.” She pauses. “What I’m curious about is whether or not you have voiced this to Jax yet?”

“No. I think—I think I didn’t want it to sound messed up.”

“What exactly would it mean to you if it was perceived as ‘messed up’ as you put it? What is the fear—if I’m identifying that underlying feeling correctly—around voicing your desires?”

I take a breath, pausing as I mull over her words, as I try to make sense of everything I’m feeling, trying to navigate this conversation that I know I’ll feel embarrassed about later.

“I feel fearful of what it says about me. I’ve never been with guys who care, not like Jax. I’ve only ever been with guys who take what they want, who don’t prioritize me and my needs, not really. And I know Jax is waiting for me to say what I want, and he’d be more than happy to oblige.” I smile, knowing just how enthusiastic he is aboutus. “But I worry that wanting sex like this says I’m… I guess a part of me thinks I’m not worthy of him if I say that I enjoy it when he treats me like that. Like, I have this amazing guy who treats me like a queen, and here I am wanting the opposite in bed. Like shouldn’t it beallsweet and tender and loving? Isn’t that what Ishouldwant when I’m with a guy who can do it like that, instead of preferring it the way I likeit? The way we like it… rougher?” I say, my cheeks flushing with embarrassment.

“It sounds like you’re associating your self-worth with your sexual preferences, which, from the sounds of it, you have deemed as ‘wrong.’”

“Aren’t they?”

“I think the only thing ‘wrong,’” she says, using air quotes again, “is you judging yourself for what you like in a healthy, consensual relationship.”

*

I lift myfork to my mouth, savoring the peppery steak as I chew it slowly. I don’t know where Jax learned to cook, but I will gladly eat anything he offers me.

I mull over the conversation from therapy, as I notice how quiet Jax and Ryan are at the table, their latest lead on Rhett turning up dry. It turns out Rhett wasn’t exaggerating when he used to brag about his family having connections in every country, as he’s been hopping to a new place every couple of days and finding him has been like a game of cat and mouse.

“How was therapy today?” Ryan asks between mouthfuls as Jax gives him a look.

“What?” he says. “I’m not allowed to ask her how therapy was… therapy that we all know she’s going to?”

“It’s fine,” I say to Jax before turning to Ryan. “It was fine.”

“You seem better—happier—since going. What do you talk about twice a week?”

Jax takes another bite of dinner and Ryan follows suit.

“This and that. Depends on the day, depends on what I’m feeling.”

Ryan flashes me a smile before pressing further. “That’s all I get? No details about how this doctor is working her magic on you?”

He brings another forkful up to his mouth.

“Well, today she said Jax can fuck me as hard as he wants.”

Ryan almost chokes on his food, looking at me with surprise as coughs rack their way through his body.

I turn my gaze to Jax who places his fork down calmly, before leaning back in his chair, his eyes alight with smoldering desire and intrigue. “Consensually, of course.” I smile.

“Is that so, love?”

His voice is low and sweet like honey, and I can only nod in response. I can see Ryan out of the corner of my eye looking between us, before sighing and giving a playful eyeroll.

“I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: neanderthals.”

My eyes stay focused on Jax as Ryan pushes his chair away from the table, grabbing his plate and another serving of food before walking out of the kitchen without another word.

Jax pats his lap and I stand, walking over to him before sitting down, wrapping my arms around him slowly as I lean into his chest.

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