Page 24 of Mountain Refuge

I was grateful for the change in topic. My line of thinking was making me feel morose.

I knew what his question was already and didn’t need him to repeat it. “I don’t have a job. At least, not in the way you’re thinking. I don’t clock in or work nine to five. It doesn’t take much money to live out here once I got myself set up. I got the land for a steal. My cabin, stores, and tanks cost a pretty penny, but they were necessary to live out here. I had recently comeinto some money, and I also had a trust fund I’d never touched from my maternal grandmother. It wasn’t much, not like millions or anything, but it was enough to buy me this place and still have a little left in savings.

“I grow or hunt most of my food. My amenities are natural resources. I don’t have a phone or cable. I buy propane and gasoline in town when needed but even that is in small amounts. When I find myself running low on cash, I sell my jerky, jams, or furs to Jack down at the general store. He gives me a commission off of anything he sells of mine. Honestly, I think he gives me too much commission but he’s never allowed me to give anything back.”

“It’s so hard to believe in this day and age that you can survive without any regular bills or a paycheck.”

I nodded. “It took a lot of research before I came out here. I thought I’d done enough to prepare myself, but I was in for a lot of lessons those first couple of years. I made a lot of mistakes and spent money I didn’t need. Once I picked up on specific things, it cut my spending down to almost nothing.”

“Do you get bored with no TV or internet?”

I didn’t count that as one of his questions. “Most of the time, I am so tired from working all day that I don’t have time to think about it. I read a lot but, even during the winter when I’m stuck up here, there’s always housework or things to do.” I tipped my head at him in curiosity. “Have you or the kids been bored without the internet or a TV?”

He seemed startled by the question and then shook his head. “Actually, no. I wish I had some workbooks or coloring books for Lydia. Some sensory simulators for Henry. But I haven’t once reached for a phone or had the urge to check on something online.”

I grinned. He just proved my point. “It’s this mountain. It’s magical in its own way. There are no distractions up here, nonoise. It’s like nature is its own form of entertainment. Some days I sit up in the loft and just stare out the window. It always surprises me how much time has passed once I come back to reality.”

“I guess time would have a different meaning up here. In the city, it’sgo-go-gono matter the time of day. And everyone is so concerned with getting somewhere by nine o’clock on the dot.”

I nodded, while keeping quiet that he’d just revealed he’d come from a city. “I don’t even put a watch on anymore. I judge time based on the sun or the moon, because exact time doesn’t matter up here. If it wasn’t for my occasional trip into town, I probably wouldn’t even pay attention to the date and month.”

Adam leaned his head against the back of the couch but didn’t take his eyes off me. “That seems like an amazing freedom. I’m envious.”

“Well, you’re up here now too,” I reminded him. “You’ll soon get the hang of our way of life.”

I was expecting him to smile again. Instead, his expression fell. “I came here out of necessity. I wasn’t even sure what to expect when I was told to take the mountain road. Hell, I think a part of me was expecting a private resort or something less known than the ski resort. I certainly wasn’t expecting…this,” he gestured around my cabin. “Or you.”

I gave him a small smile.

“But the truth is, I’m not mechanical. I’ve never chopped wood in my life. I don’t cook. My version of cooking is a pile of takeout menus in my drawer. Yesterday, I saw you restock a water tank. You have served us meals of unknown animals that you killed and processed yourself. And frankly I don’t want to know what that roast at dinner was. I’m happy just knowing it was delicious. You also drove a snowmobile in the middle of a snowstorm in complete darkness. Brooke, you’re a total badass.”I felt myself blush at his praise. He shrugged self-deprecatingly. “I don’t know if this life is for me. It was forced upon us and I’ll do my best if this is what my kids need, but I’m not a mountain man. I can’t lift boulders onto my shoulders or wrestle with bears.” Then he said like it was a shameful addition to what he perceived as his shortcomings, “I’m just a teacher.”

I’d begun to feel disheartened when he’d started talking about how much this lifestyle wasn’t for him. At his admission to his occupation, I felt intrigued. “You’re a teacher? What grade?”

“I taught second grade for a few years until a private opportunity presented itself.” His skin reddened above his beard. “I thought I’d hit the jackpot. Not only could I pay off my student debt far earlier than ever expected but my employer was willing to pay for me to advance my degree to a Masters.” He shook his head. “I was so naïve. I wish I’d known I’d been signing a contract with the devil.”

He looked so forlorn. I wanted to wrap my arms around him to offer what comfort I could. Instead, I locked my muscles into place so I wouldn’t do something I’d regret later. Because I would regret getting physically close to him when he left my cabin.

“But if I hadn’t taken that deal, I wouldn’t have Lydia and Henry, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything.”

The love in his eyes for his children shone. It was a beautiful sight to see. Against my better judgment, I reached my hand forward and rested it on his knee. “I’m going to be bluntly honest here because, frankly, I lost the ability to beat around the bush years ago. Moreover, I don’t like secrets or lies. So here’s the truth about what I see when I look at you:

“You’re right that you’re not a mountain man. Whether you have certain skills or not, those can be learned. What I see above all else when I look at you is a loving father.That’syour calling,Adam. You are so attentive and caring to those kids that it hurts sometimes looking at you with them, because I no longer have that type of relationship with my parents. It’s also a shameful reality about mankind as a species that there are millions of children out there who are in abusive homes or are starving or are kidnapped for all sorts of disgusting and nefarious reasons. To see how you are with your kids is like a breath of fresh air.

“So maybe you’re not mechanical. Maybe you need to learn a thing or two about mountain life. First and foremost being that jeans and snow don’t mix.” His lips twitched but he didn’t crack the smile I was hoping to see. “Being a man, especially a mountain man, is more than how much you can lift or if you’re willing and able to skin a deer you just shot. It’s about accepting nature, respecting it. It’s about the need to escape the noise of the world and fill it with the sounds of nature.”

He put his hand on top of mine. Immediately I felt the difference between the two. Mine were rough and callused while his were smooth. I didn’t mind the contrast. In fact, it felt nice.

Our eyes met once more and my breath caught. I’m not sure who started leaning in first, but soon I found our mouths only centimeters apart. I could taste his breath, could feel the coarse hair of his beard against the side of my face. Our hands were now clasped between our chests, though I didn’t remember lifting them.

My eyes fluttered closed. Our foreheads met. Neither of us tipped forward that final step to press our lips together.

I felt like crying. It was a feeling I hadn’t had in a very long time. All of this was. The attraction I felt towards him had been almost instantaneous. I’d thought him a good looking man when he’d been unconscious, but that had been nothing in comparison to when his revealing eyes opened.

But there was no future here. It would only be one night.My chin started quaking. I wanted this, but the regret would be palpable come morning. Because I would want more.

I was about to back away when he suddenly lifted his head, pressing his lips to my forehead. As soon as his lips made contact with my skin, I felt a tear escape my eye and make its way down my cheek.

He was respecting my wishes. I should feel grateful. Yet I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The tightness in my chest prevented me from catching my breath.

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