Page 75 of Make Room for Love

She was used to thinking of herself as strong and capable. Now, lying in the hospital bed, she just felt painfully small.

Mira’s eyes were wide, her mouth open. She said nothing.

“I’m so afraid,” Isabel said, barreling on. It was a relief to admit it, even though it wasn’t going to do her any good. “I’ve been afraid that you were going to leave me because I didn’t deserve you. I wish I knew how to be good enough for you to stay.”

“Oh, Isabel.” Mira took Isabel’s hand in hers again. It was a few nerve-wracking seconds before she spoke. “I didn’t know you felt that way. You’ve been holding on to that for a while.”

“It wasn’t just because of what Grace said. I was scared before, too. I don’t know if I should tell you this. But Vivian and Frankie warned me at the restaurant.”

“What? What did they say?”

Isabel recounted the conversation. “Oh,” Mira said. She smiled sadly. “They told me about that too. Although it sounds like you remember it differently. Vivian said she just wanted to say hi and get a sense of what you’re like. And they’re a little overprotective. But she told me she might have scared you, and I told her that it would take a lot more than that.” Mira grimaced. “I’m sorry. If I’d known that it bothered you…”

“It’s not your fault. It’s my fault. I got too scared. I tried to do too much for you and protect you and hide everything from you. And I couldn’t handle it when that didn’t work.” Isabelshuddered, almost sobbing. “I know what that must have looked like to you. Being a controlling asshole just like your ex.”

“I never asked you to do any of that.” Mira was so patient. “You just assumed that was what I wanted.”

Isabel somehow felt even more wretched. Why hadn’t she realized that on her own? “I see that now.”

“That’s not all. When I said I didn’t know you’d been feeling that way, I meant… You’re talking about staying for the long term. You don’t just want more of the same thing. You want something serious with someone who’s committed to you. That’s what you’ve wanted all this time.” Mira hesitated. “That’s what you want from me, isn’t it?”

Isabel nodded. There was no denying it now. At least Mira hadn’t brought up Isabel saying she loved her in the worst circumstances imaginable.

Mira sighed. She took her hand away. “First of all, you’ve been really good to me. Please believe me when I say that, Isabel.”

Isabel braced herself. Here it was. “But I don’t want to be a thing that you either deserve or don’t deserve,” Mira continued. “Or a thing you’re either good enough or not good enough for. It makes it sound like if you did enough, you’d earn the right to be with me. I’m not a prize for you to win or lose.”

Isabel nodded again. Everything was so clear when Mira laid it out. Her gentle honesty made Isabel’s heart ache. Mira was braver than Isabel would ever be.

“Are you leaving me?” Isabel asked. She needed to get this over with. Mira had cracked her open and changed her from the inside out, and Isabel would always be grateful. She would find a way to survive.

“No,” Mira said. She took Isabel’s hand again, squeezed it, and smiled. “If I wanted to leave you, I would have already. I wouldn’t let you down easy.”

Isabel snorted. Something light and fizzy bubbled up in her chest. The fear that had crushed her these last days, months, and even years was easing up on her. She still had to get herself out of this mess. But—hospital bed and injured limbs aside—when Mira smiled at her, the sun shone through the clouds. “You would have left me on the sidewalk?”

“Absolutely. So don’t try this again.” Mira’s smile widened, the corners of her eyes crinkling, and Isabel was warmed all the way through. Then Mira’s face grew serious again. “If I actually wanted to leave you, I wouldn’t bother trying to get through to you like this. You are the most obstinate person alive. You tried to go out with a sprained ankle in the snow because you couldn’t deal with your feelings and sit at home for one day.”

Isabel winced, but she was smiling, and Mira was, too. Mira’s open exasperation was the most reassuring thing Isabel had heard in a while. Mira took her hand and ran a thumb over the calluses. “You’re lucky you’re so tall and gorgeous. And such a caring, considerate girlfriend when you’re not being so frustrating.” Mira looked around. “I mean, wife. Can’t have them knowing I lied.”

Isabel laughed, a sharp tug in her chest. “I think they would have let you come if you’d just said you were my girlfriend.” She wasn’t going to replay Mira sayingmy wife, wasn’t going to imagine a ring on Mira’s finger. She still had so much to make up for.

Mira grinned. “I had to think fast. But, sure, I’ll remember that for next time. If I decide to not just leave you on the sidewalk.” Then she sighed. “Isabel, I don’t know if I can promise you everything you want. But I do want to listen to you and try to understand you. I don’t want you to worry I’m going to leave you if you say something that’s too much or too difficult. You already have enough on your mind.”

This was more than Isabel deserved. But that was the wrong way to think about it. “I didn’t tell you the truth before because I was a coward. I hope you know that now.”

“You’re not a coward.” Mira was blazing now, alight with passion and anger, all of it aimed right at Isabel. This was the fierce union organizer and brilliant scholar Isabel loved. “I’m not accepting that excuse from you, of all people. If this is going to work, you know we have to be able to trust each other. If you keep secrets from me about how much you’re hurting or grieving, I can’t trust you enough to stay with you and share a life with you.”

Isabel was chastened. “I know.”

“Well, I’m glad to hear that. Because I need to ask some things of you.”

“I’ll do anything.” Isabel truly would. Anything to make this better.

“You need to talk to me about your feelings instead of…all of this.” Mira made a broad gesture. “Trying to run away from them. Or trying to control me because you can’t deal with them. Or working until you hurt yourself.”

Isabel nodded. She needed to step up. She was afraid, but Mira was worth it. “I’ll try. You might have to be patient with me.”

Mira smiled. “And you know you need to talk to Grace again. That’s for you, not me.”

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