Page 80 of Always Alchemy

But don’t tell Dad!!!

The last message was a giant red flagfor me, so much so that my initial reaction was to indeed “tell Dad”. But they’re coming to me for a reason, and if they’re in trouble or have need of my help, I’d rather they asked one of the adults in their lives than none of them.

So I suppose, for now, that adult is me.

The twins are both in their final year at London universities and living it up in my old flat in South Kensington. Anton bought it off me as a pied à terre for the kids. It’s approximately three hundred times more luxurious than regular student accommodation, but the upside is that they’re close to us and living in a decent part of town. While Annabel’s studying Business at the London School of Economics, Amie’s doing a Fashion and Marketing degree at Central St Martin’s.

Far more heads turn when they walk in than I’m comfortable with, given most of our fellow diners are businessmen twice their age. The girls are astonishingly—and, if you’re their father, terrifyingly—stunning. It’s still hard for me to tell them apart unless they’re making a conscious effort to differentiate their appearances.

That is not the case today. They’re both wearing exactly the same thing—cream ribbed sweater dresses that skim their enviable figures. Their dark hair is straight and glossy, their makeup sleek and minimalist in that certain way that tells me it took hours to apply. They look like supermodels, and I’m sure every man in here is appreciating this double threat that’s just livened up his lunch.

After we’ve chosen carefully from the menu—they’re both Coeliac, like their mother—we catch up. Anton and I haven’t seen them since they came for Sunday brunch around a month ago. I will never regret not having children—I never saw myself with a baby—but I find I enjoy the relationship I have with my step-children.

For one, there are no bottoms to wipe. They can all look after themselves perfectly well. Second, I’m not a central parent figure in their lives, more of a bonus adult, so we can enjoy each other’s company on our own merits. I don’t see a huge amount of Felix or Scarlett, who both live in New York, but I enjoy spending time with the Terrible Twins when the occasion presents itself.

This, however, is a first.

I’ve noticed a few fleeting glances between them as we’ve chatted. They’re doing that twin thing of silent communication. It’s amusing, but I have to say my interest is piqued. Also, I know they have lectures to get back to after lunch.

‘I was intrigued by your texts,’ I tell Annabel. ‘What is it you girls need my help with?’

Another conspiratorial glance. Amie looks quickly down at her plate.

‘We have a favour to ask you,’ Annabel says.

‘Annabelhas a favour to ask you,’ Amie clarifies.

‘I have a favour to ask youon both our behalves,’Annabel insists.

I sigh and put down my salad fork, picking up my champagne flute. ‘Out with it.’

‘We want you to give us membership to Alchemy,’ Annabel says.

I almost spit out my champagne. ‘Hard pass,’ I splutter.

Amie gives Annabel anI told you solook.

‘Why, exactly?’ Annabel wants to know.

I am totally on the back foot here. ‘Well, for one thing… your father would have a heart attack. Literally. There’s no way he’d allow it.’

‘Funny,’ Annabel muses. ‘I had no idea he was the boss of you. You always struck me as very independent—weadmire your feistiness, don’t we, Amie? And we’re twenty-one, so it’s precisely none of his business.’

‘He’s not the boss of me, and you know it,’ I say, flustered. ‘This isn’t about who’s the boss, it’s about my respecting his wishes. It would kill your father if you joined Alchemy.’

‘I don’t see why. We’re having sex anyway, so it may as well be in a safe and consensual environment.’ I’m pretty sure she’s taken that last part verbatim from Alchemy’s website. ‘Andyou’re supposed to be flying the flag for female sexual freedom.’ She leans forward. ‘Did you know Amie has only had sex with two people and both of them were crap? Isn’t that exactly the kind of issue you’re supposed to helpsolve?’

Poor Amie looks like she’s dying a thousand deaths over Annabel’s indiscretions. I press my lips together in an expression of sympathy before turning my attention back to Annabel.

‘First of all, I’d like you to respect your sister more, please. You may think you’re doing her a favour, but she doesn’t need you as a mouthpiece. She can speak for herself, can’t you, Amie?’ She nods, looking grateful. ‘This is a very serious topic we’re discussing. You should not be putting words in your sister’s mouth. Understood?’

‘Yeah,’ she says, marginally chastened.

‘Excellent.’ I give a little nod and pull myself mentally together. I’ve won a tiny point, but I’m way out of my depth here. I can’t help but feel I’m encroaching on Anton and Marie-Claire’s turf over their daughters’ sexual education while being uncomfortably aware that absolutely everything Annabel has said is right.

‘Okay, let’s address the issue at hand. While Amie’s sexual experiences are not up for discussion unless shewants to share them herself, I do agree with what you’ve said.’ I smile at her. ‘You’re a good negotiator—so like your father. And you’re right.’ I clear my throat. ‘I feel very strongly about investing in female sexuality, and I know, of course, that you’re both adults.

‘Alchemy’s a place where people can absolutely go to have fun in a safe place. Of course it is. But that’s not to say it’s tame. Every member will be on their own journey, but it’sfull on.’I’m very much in stepmother mode right now rather than fierce advocate of women’s sexual freedom, which is why I say what I say next.

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