Page 108 of Loving Netta Wilde

Will sat down and filled the space. Colin felt small and rather diminished next to him.

‘How you doing, Dad?’

‘I’m doing okay. I’m being well taken care of.’ It was true, he was. Liza and Geraldine were making sure of that. He didn’t want that to be a permanent solution though, especially as far as Liza was concerned. ‘I’m sorry I tore up your sweatshirt.’

Will shrugged. ‘That’s okay. Belle’s been going on at me for ages to get rid of it. Apparently it stinks.’

‘I rather liked the smell of it. Listen, Will, there’s something I need to say while I’ve got the chance. I am so sorry for all the things I put you and Liza and your mum through. I’m not asking for forgiveness because I don’t deserve it, but I just wanted you to know that I can see how wrong it was.’

Will nodded. It was the best Colin could hope for and it was still more than he’d expected. ‘Mum says you’re selling the house.’

‘I am. I’m going to use some of the money to pay back everything I cheated her out of.’

‘Yeah, she told me. She said you don’t need to do that.’

‘Tough, because I’m bloody well doing it. Even if I have to feed fifty-quid bundles through her letterbox.’

Will grinned. ‘Bit much but I applaud the sentiment. Will you be okay when Nan goes on holiday? I know you’re seeing a lot of her, at the moment.’

‘That’s a nice way of saying I’m heavily dependent on her. Yes, I think I will be. I’m going on a little holiday myself. To Wales.’

‘To stay with your lady friend, Ursula?’

‘Well she’s a lady and she’s a friend, but she’s not what I think you’re implying.’

‘She could be, though? When you’ve got over Arianne.’

Got over Arianne? Colin was long over her. Well before she lost her head. It would be more accurate to say got over the things she did. But then again, that wasn’t the real reason. Ursula had named it. The reason was grief. The grief over the loss of his children was healing now, especially after this. But Colin was rapidly coming to understand his grief had many layers and many complications. And it would take a long time forthe grieving process to be over. It was about love too. Love and grief. You couldn’t have one without the other.

‘The thing is, Will, I’m still in love with your mum. I think she knows that but I’d rather you didn’t tell her, if you don’t mind. I don’t want to make a big thing of it. I know she doesn’t love me but we’re friends now and I don’t want to spoil that.’

‘I won’t say anything. But I don’t get it though. I don’t get how you could have treated her so badly if you truly loved her.’

‘Because I’m a bad person.’ He could have lied or shifted the blame like he’d always done in the past, but that was not who Colin was now.

‘You’re different now though, yeah? You’ve changed.’

‘I’m trying very hard, but I think maybe it’s a bit like being an alcoholic. You have to fight your natural instincts to be a complete shit every day.’

Will smiled. ‘Well Liza will soon tell you if you are. She’s told me once or twice. I can help too. I could come and stay with you a couple of days a week. If you want?’

‘I do want. Very, very much.’

‘Cool. You don’t mind Belle staying, do you? We’re kind of living together in a currently homeless, living with our parents sort of way until we’ve got jobs.’

‘I don’t mind at all.’ It was lucky Colin had finally got his emotions in check because if he was still blubbing at the drop of a hat, he’d be in absolute bits by now.

‘Ready?’ said Liza.

Colin did another round of the breathing exercises Geraldine had taught him, then nodded. ‘As I’ll ever be.’

She took his hand. ‘Right, we’re going in.’

In fact she pulled him in rather than allowed him to walk into his studio under his own steam, but he had done it. He’d crossed the threshold.

He took a look around and was pleased to see someone had removed Arianne’s ratty old dreamcatcher and the mindless slogans. From now on he would decide what was important in his life.

Liza tugged at his sleeve. ‘We’re going to walk to the canvas and pick up a brush now.’

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