Page 83 of Loving Netta Wilde

He closed his eyes again. ‘I’m tired.’

‘So am I. I’m tired of having to look after you but we are where we are.’

He sighed. ‘You’re really into this tough love stuff, aren’t you?’

‘More of the tough, less of the love when it comes to you, Colin. But the family seems to think I’m your best bet, so you’re stuck with me. And unfortunately for me, I’m stuck with you.’

‘Best bet for what?’

‘Redemption.’

Redemption? If only that were possible. But Colin knew it was very much out of the question. For the last twenty-four hours, his mind had been into overdrive. It didn’t matter whether he was awake or asleep, his past life had been constantly flashing before him. Except that it was as if he’d been looking at another life that belonged to someone who was not at all nice. Someone whose daughter thought he was nasty, cruel, mean, deceitful, and evil. Not forgetting pathetic. A man who’d used his children and driven his ex-wife into considering suicide. But of course it wasn’t someone else’s life. It was his, and he was not worth redeeming. ‘I think I’m beyond that, Geraldine. I’ve taken a look inside the eye of this particular beast, and I can only see darkness.’

‘That’s a bit melodramatic, if I may say so. No one is beyond redemption. You’ve taken a step in the right direction by recognising what a horrible person you’ve been. We can build from that.’

Well that was a backhanded compliment if ever he’d heard one.

‘We’re all rooting for you, Colin. We all want you to get better.’

‘You mean you all want me to be better. There’s a difference.’

‘I suppose we want both. Surely you don’t want to stay like this forever? I’ve been through something similar and believe me, it just gets worse and worse until all you want to do is lie down and wait for death.’

Now who was being melodramatic? Colin had heard about Geraldine’s problems from Liza a few years back. He’d pretended to be sympathetic to get in Liza’s good books but secretly he’d taken some pleasure in it. That was the kind of nasty git he was. Of course, he hadn’t realised quite how bad it was at the time. He’d like to think if he had known, he’d have been kinder. But in his heart of hearts, he knew he wouldn’t havebeen, because he didn’t have it in him to be a kind person. ‘I’m sorry you had such a bad time.’

She smiled at him. It was a little sad, he thought. ‘It was the best thing that happened to me. I had family and friends, and a wonderful therapist who pulled me through it. I’m so much happier now. I’d recommend seeing a therapist by the way, but in the meantime, you’ll have to make do with me.’

‘If I talk to you, can I have some more soup?’

‘Yes.’

‘Okay. What do you want to talk about?’

‘Tell me what happened with Arianne.’

Bam! Right in the gut. Could have been worse, he supposed. She could have asked about Netta. ‘She lost interest in me.’ He closed his mouth. Enough said.

Geraldine had a funny look on her face. Completely impassive and yet expectant. ‘Where did you meet her?’

‘Oh right, you want to go that far back. It was at an art class. Life drawing. She was the model. She painted as well. Not very well but we can’t all be Picasso, can we? Some of us used to go for a drink afterwards. She came along and we chatted. It wasn’t that long after I’d found out about Netta and Chambers, I mean Doogie. I was feeling pretty low. She cheered me up. We were just friends for a long time, but before you ask, yes, we did eventually have, you know, relations while I was still with Netta.’

Geraldine didn’t even flinch. She still had that look on her face. ‘So she moved in with you, in the course of time. Were you happy?’

Hmm. Were they? ‘I think so. Mostly. For a while. The kids were a problem for her. I sometimes think she was jealous of them. Almost as if she didn’t want to share me. I don’t think Will ever really took to her. Liza tried harder but when she made up with Netta she had somewhere else to go, didn’t she?’

‘Why did it go wrong, do you think?’

‘As I said, she lost interest in me. And she went a bit odd. Well, I suppose she was always a bit erratic. Terrible mood swings. But it went off the scale with the pandemic. Lockdown was an absolute car crash. She was completely over the top about hygiene. She rallied afterwards though. Especially when we went to Italy for my summer teaching retreats. But when we got back from last year’s, it was like a switch flicked on inside that demented head of hers. All of a sudden, she turned into a vegan maniac. Actually, I’m doing vegans a disservice. She wasn’t even a proper one of them. She wouldn’t let us anywhere near anything she hadn’t cooked herself. And let me tell you, Geraldine, she is a shit cook. I couldn’t even sneak out for a crafty veggie breakfast because she’d be sniffing me for signs of betrayal as soon as I got in. And if she thought I’d transgressed, she became a demon.’

‘What would she do when she turned into a demon?’ said Geraldine.

Colin picked at his fingernails. ‘You know what she did.’

‘Tell me.’

‘She’d throw things, hit me. A few months ago, she smashed a glass jar on my chest, here.’ He showed her the scar. It didn’t hurt anymore, unless he thought about it. Mostly he didn’t think about it. Unless he caught the smell of white spirit.

‘Did you speak to anyone when it happened? Go to the doctor or a hospital? Or the police?’

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