Page 98 of Loving Netta Wilde

He waited for her to settle before starting: ‘I shouldn’t have made those assumptions about your husband. I knew really that what he did was wrong. Just as I knew what I did to Netta was wrong.’

She turned to look at him, her eyes impassive. ‘Then why couldn’t you say that?’

‘I think because I’d built my life around it. The revenge. That was me. If I admitted it was wrong then there was nothing left for me to be.’

‘And now that you have, who will you be?’

‘Hard to say. I’m in a state of flux at the moment. Not exactly redeemed but not quite a write off. I have a very bossy lady keeping me in check.’

‘Would that be Geraldine? She’s a formidable woman.’

‘She is indeed. Sadly, she’s exactly what I need at the moment. I hear you’re leaving.’

‘Just for a few months while I work out who I’m going to be.’

‘And what then?’

She shrugged. ‘Who knows? I’m in a state of flux too. Come with me.’

Colin wrinkled his nose. ‘To a commune?’

Ursula threw back her head and laughed. It was like watching a waterfall cascading. Fresh, vibrant and life affirming. ‘It’s not what you think. They don’t sit around a pot full of lentils singing ‘Kumbaya’. It’s just a community of people who share a large house rather than be lonely. They have some spare rooms for visitors. It’s near Snowdonia, the perfect place to work out where you’re going next. We can do it together.’

Colin took in her dazzling smile, the mischievous twinkle in her eye, the gentle but strong nature of her and marvelled at howeasy it would be to fall for this woman. ‘It’s not that I don’t want to, Ursula, but I’m not ready for another relationship.’

‘Neither am I. We’re both still grieving. But I’m always ready for friendship.’

Friendship. Of course. How arrogant of him to assume that she would be desperate enough to want him. ‘I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.’

‘Don’t be. You’re still finding your way. Everything’s upside down for you at the moment.’

‘Can I ask who is it you’re grieving for? Is it your husband, in spite of all he did?’

‘No. Someone much dearer.’

Samuel, he supposed. It was obvious now that Colin thought about it. There was a sadness to her whenever she spoke of him.

‘And you Colin, who are you grieving for?’

‘I don’t know.’ He looked out at the land in front of him. ‘It seems empty here now that it’s done.’

‘Not empty. Resting. Waiting to be filled up again.’

Resting. Waiting. Yes, he could see that now.

He felt unusually positive as he walked back to Netta’s. Ursula had that effect on him. He’d be sad to see her go, but they’d agreed to keep in touch and while she was away, he was going to mind the allotment for her. Yes, him. An allotment holder. Imagine! It would be nice to see this commune that wasn’t really a commune. If it really was full of lonely people, he’d fit right in. But he couldn’t go yet. He was too dependent on this new family he’d somehow accumulated. He was thinking about grief. It hadn’t been difficult to work out who Ursula was grieving for. It was harder to work out the source of his own grief. There were so many things to pick from. But one thing he did know. It wasn’t Arianne.

‘Is that you, Colin?’ Geraldine called out to him as he let himself in.

He already had his foot on the stairs. ‘Yes. Can’t stop. I need to write something down.’

As soon as he was in the bedroom, he picked up the notepad. The first thing he did was put a tick next to:‘Apologise to Ursula.’

Then he wrote:

Who or what am I grieving for?

He heard someone on the stairs. Probably Geraldine. If Clyde had called her, she’d be coming to give him a verbal clip round the ear. Maybe he’d show her what he’d just written. She’d have a field day with that one. The footsteps were getting closer. He hastily scribbled one more thing:

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