Page 106 of Loving Netta Wilde

‘And you’ll think about St Kitts?’

‘Yes. Go, before you miss the train.’

She threw herself on him. ‘I’ve decided. I do actually love you, Dad.’

‘I love you too.’ His daughter loved him. He’d been a terrible father, and she still loved him. He held her, not wanting to let her go.

She slipped away from him. He watched her going down the escalator to the platform, a massive grin on his face. Then she was gone, and he realised he was crying. He hoped she hadn’t noticed. It wasn’t fair to lay his emotions down on her. She deserved better than that. It occurred to him this was the second time the man who didn’t do emotions was doing emotions. Something strange was happening to him.

On his way out, he took another look at the bull. It looked like it had been built out of spare parts. People were crowding around to watch it move its head slowly from left to right, then back again. Doogie walked away. This mad fucking city. He needed to get home.

He put his bag into the car and went back inside to collect Spike. He’d left him in the back garden to give him as much time outside as he could before the long ride home. He’d been in Birmingham a bit less than four weeks, but it seemed a lot longer. Doogie couldn’t wait to get away, and yet he knew he’d miss it as soon as he was gone. Miss her.

If it had only been those three years at uni then it was just possible, he wouldn’t be here now. When Netta dumped him that first time, he had probably stood a small chance of letting her go. Even though losing her had made him feel like he was no longer a whole person, Doogie reckoned he could have lived like that with a broken part somewhere in the place where the essence of him had been. In the ten years between then and seeing her again, he’d got used to it and had built a reasonably good life. Claire would have argued it was a life devoid of emotional risks and maybe it was, but it worked for him. And anyway, that wasn’t all down to Netta.

It was the second time that really did it for him. Seeing her had been one of those coincidental things that change the course of your life. The minute he saw her, he was whole again. He knew it was a really bad idea to start it back up, but the need to be with her was too strong.

He soon found out she was still the same old Netta, but different. Still smart, funny and crazy bonkers mad. Still on a different planet to everyone else. But she was colder and harder. On the outside at least. Inside, she’d become so fragile. It killed him to see her like that. He wanted to take her in his arms and never ever let her go. And that was it. That was why he couldn’t pack her away and forget about her. Not even when she walked away for good, and he burned all the things she left behind on Crosby Beach. Not even when he had chances to be happy with someone else. He was spoiled goods. And everything that came after her was ruined.

When she did finally come to him again, as he knew she would someday, he’d patted himself on the back for not jumping into bed with her and being civilised about the whole thing. And he still hadn’t been able to let her go. But Doogie was getting too old and too weary of living in the past. There comes a time in a man’s life when he’s earned the right to choose between what makes him happy and what makes him pine for something that was never really his. He was following Priscilla’s advice and making a choice. He’d have to wait and see whether it was the right choice.

Netta was waiting in the kitchen for him. He’d hoped to get off before she woke up but he should have known she wasn’t going to let that happen. She was putting a flask into an already full carrier bag. ‘I’ve followed my mum’s example and done you a food parcel for the journey.’

‘I could have stopped on the motorway.’

‘Don’t deny me this one pleasure.’

He kissed the side of her head. ‘I’ll bring the flask back next time I come.’

She pushed the bag over to him. ‘You never said whether you were going to marry Grace.’

‘Because I don’t know what’ll happen when I get back up there.’

‘I thought you had an open relationship. I didn’t realise it was serious.’

‘It changed a couple of years ago.’

‘You never said. Why didn’t you say?’

‘Because it’s none of your fucking business.’

She put her hand on her hip and dropped her head to one side. ‘Charming.’

Her crooked smile almost took his breath away. Fucking hell. This woman. She did things to him that no one else could. If he’d been a believer, he’d be praying for the big man’s help rightnow. ‘You do know you’re not the only woman in my life, Netta Wilde?’

‘Er, clearly. I think Merrie is testament to that. And by the way, I still can’t believe you copped off with my best friend as soon as my back was turned.’

‘You mean years after you dumped us both.’

She folded her arms. ‘All right, Chambers, don’t rub it in.’

They laughed, then stopped, their eyes searching each other. He sighed. ‘Net, I’ve gotta go.’

She nodded. ‘I know.’

She walked him to the car and opened her arms for him. ‘Claire’s right you know. You do need to sort your life out. Commit to something.’

If only she’d given him the chance back when it counted. He pulled her into a hug. ‘Sort out your own life, missus. All this living next door to your man business. I’m not the only one who needs to commit to something.’

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