Page 55 of Loving Netta Wilde

If that blank face was him trying to make out, he didn’t know what she was talking about, it was a pretty poor attempt. She moved her head slowly from side to side. ‘I’m going. Let me know when you’ve grown up enough to talk this over like an adult.’

She went back out the way she came, careful to avert her eyes as she passed the shocking portrait. Her emotions were already up in the air, she didn’t need to fuel them further.

Doogie was in the kitchen, chopping up vegetables. ‘Is Frank coming over?’ he said without taking his eyes off the food.

‘No.’

He looked up at her then. ‘You all right?’

She nodded, breathing in short, angry breaths.

He put down the knife and wrapped his arms around her. ‘Frank, or Colin?’

‘Frank.’ She rested her head against him.

He held her tighter. She slid her arms around his waist. This is how it would have been if things had worked out for them. There would have been no Frank, no Colin. Just her and Doogie. But life was never that simple, was it?

31

WHAT IF AND WHAT WAS

It was warm enough to eat outside. Liza, Will and Belle were all at home, so it was dinner for five. It should have been dinner for six, but Frank was too busy being obstinate to join them. It didn’t seem to bother the kids that he wasn’t there, so Netta was determined that it wasn’t going to bother her either.

Doogie was surprisingly relaxed in the company of her children. After she’d married Colin, she’d sometimes fantasised about her and Doogie never splitting up. In her dreams they’d be living in some trendy flat in London. Never did those dreams include children. When they ran into each other again in Manchester, the affair was inevitable, and the fantasies changed. This time she dreamed about her and Doogie bringing up Liza and Will. But a dream was all it was. Because she knew Colin would have done everything in his power to stop her taking the children away from him, and she was certain that Doogie wasn’t ready to have kids in his life. So when she found out she was pregnant, she finished it. She broke his heart in order to save her own. Except that no one was saved, and here was Doogie Chambers behaving like a family man who’d always had kids inhis life. If she’d been brave enough back then to leave Colin, perhaps this would have been exactly how it was.

Colin was featuring a lot in her thoughts lately. Too much really. It was funny. In all the time she’d known him, she never really felt like she actually knew him. To be honest, she hadn’t really wanted to scratch beneath the surface, because for the best part of their married life and even after they’d divorced, the surface was unpleasant enough. But that top layer was gone. Shattered by Arianne, she suspected. The man who used to be her husband had been stripped bare, and now Netta had no choice but to see Colin as if she were seeing him with fresh eyes. He was a thing to be pitied. He’d loathe that if he knew. Probably accuse her of belittling him again. Had she belittled him back then? If she had, it hadn’t been intentional, but then we could all say that about the distasteful things we’ve done. If Colin ever actually admitted the things he’d done to her were wrong, he’d probably say he hadn’t meant to be so malicious. She should hate him really. She used to. But hatred is such an exhausting state to exist in, and besides, she had cared about him once. Enough to marry him and have his children. Maybe that was why she couldn’t turn her back on him now.

‘Hey, Mum, you wanna come into Kings Heath with us?’ said Will.

She dragged herself back into the conversation. ‘Sorry?’

He rolled his eyes and laughed. It reminded her of Colin when they first moved in together. He used to do the same whenever she had one of her many cooking disasters. There was no edge to it then though. Back in those days, she could do no wrong.

‘Do you want to come to the pub?’

‘Oh no, thanks. I’ve had a long day. You go ahead.’

‘Okay. Doogie?’

Doogie shook his head. ‘Nah, I’m good, thanks man. Cheers for asking though.’

They stayed in the garden after the young people had gone. Just her, Doogie and the dogs. From where they were sitting, she could see the back of Frank’s house. She wondered if he was watching them now. Perhaps the two of them were. Frank and Colin, both watching together. She couldn’t decide which one of them disliked Doogie the most. You’d think it would be Colin, but it was hard to judge lately.

‘They’re great kids,’ said Doogie.

‘They are, but they’re not really kids anymore.’

‘I guess not. Do you know what I was thinking earlier?’

She shook her head. She didn’t want to know. Because whatever it was, it was going to churn her up.

‘I was thinking, what if you and me had stuck it out? What if we’d worked things out with Colin over the kids, would we be a family now?’

Yes, she was right. She was churning up. ‘Well, Liza would have been happy to have Merrie for a sister.’

‘If I’d been around to look after you, she might have had two sisters.’

She put her hand up to stop him. ‘Don’t.’

---