Page 96 of Loving Netta Wilde

The second surprise was the recollection that she had once loved him. Not enough to be faithful to him when the opportunity arose for her to be with Doogie again, but that wasn’t because she hadn’t cared for Colin. It was because her love for Doogie had been such a destructive force that nothing else came close. That was how it had been back then. What worried her now was whether it was still the same today. Until he’d turned up on her doorstep, she’d managed to fool herself they were just good friends. But these last few weeks had given her a taste of what might have been and dispelled that particular myth. Now everything was chaos. Doogie was probably going to marry someone other than her, and there was every possibilityshe was in danger of being consumed by that force again. There was also every possibility the thing she had with Frank might not survive it.

Everyone had been trying so hard to protect her from Colin, no one had seen the real threat hiding in plain sight. Everyone except Claire that is. She knew. She’d understood the implications well before Netta. Why else had she come up from Brighton if not to save her from herself, and from Doogie?

Doogie was waiting for an answer to his question. ‘I suppose it’s as good a time as any,’ she said, instantly fearing the words that might come spilling out.

They went into the lounge. The garden was too open to people arriving home unexpectedly. At least in the middle of the house they had the advantage of being aware of others before they were aware of them.

He stood in front of the fireplace, just as his stepfather had done last week. ‘Like I said before, I didn’t come here to get your permission to marry Grace.’

‘I see.’ She knew that of course. That wasn’t the way he worked. But it didn’t stop a shard of disappointment forming. ‘So why did you come then?’

‘I needed to think. It’s too isolated up there. I’m in a nice safe bubble. Too easy to make a decision I might regret. I had to come away to get some perspective.’

‘About your feelings for Grace, you mean?’

‘Partly.’

She wanted to ask, if it was only partly about Grace then who or what else was it about? But she was silenced by that fear again.

He touched her fingers. She met his eyes and saw the longing in them. Not for her. Not in the way he used to long for her. But for freedom. He’d come to set himself free from her. He’d lied. He had come for her permission.

She moved her hand away. ‘I love you.’

He closed his eyes for a minute. When he opened them again, they were wet. ‘I love you.’

She felt tears stabbing the back of her own eyes. ‘It’s not enough though, is it?’

‘No.’

‘Do you think there’ll ever be a time when we won’t feel we took a wrong turn somewhere?’

‘No. But maybe when we’re too old to care anymore, it’ll hurt less.’

‘You think?’

‘Not really. I was just trying to cheer you up.’

She laughed in spite of everything. ‘Do me a favour.’

‘Anything.’

‘Hold me and don’t say another word.’

He took her in his arms. She wrapped hers around him and rested her head against his shoulder. They breathed slowly and synchronously. She noted how well their bodies fitted together, even after all these years. Everything about them was made for each other, except the one thing that mattered. It wasn’t that they didn’t love each other. They did and they always would. But it was the wrong kind of love. The kind you couldn’t live with.

His tears fell onto her face. They were even crying in time, that’s how perfectly aligned they were. She pulled away and kissed his stained cheeks. ‘It’s okay, it’s okay. We’re going to be all right. We’re going to be fine. You’re going to be happy, and so am I.’

‘You think?’ he said mimicking her own words.

‘Not really. I was just trying to cheer you up.’ One corner of her mouth turned up and then the other.

He laughed. ‘Look at me, Wilde. I don’t do emotions. ‘

‘Well you do now, Chambers.’

He shook his head. ‘Give us a kiss, you mad cow.’

The kiss was long and delicious. She savoured it knowing it would be their last one like this. Tomorrow and for the rest of their lives there would only be friendly embraces. They probably both knew that, which is why they lingered too long.

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