Page 21 of Wine, Whiskey, & Lipstick 2

Ben caressed the side of her cheek. “You were dreaming.” He wanted to pull her close but waited until she knew where she was.

“I’m safe?” Her voice sounded small.

Ben’s heart was aching for her. “Very. I promised you that I would never let anything happen to you.”

Slowly, Dillyn was transported back to the present. She placed her palm across her forehead. It was covered in beads of sweat, and so was her body.

The emotional residue from her dream was much too real. Dillyn could only thank God her parents were locked up where they belonged and could no longer hurt her.

Still disoriented, she felt dirty and disgusting.You’ve got to calm down and steady your breathing.Deeply, she inhaled and then exhaled.Deep breaths.Breathe in. Breathe out.Finally, her heart rate began to slow. Unfortunately, her anxiousness was not going away.

“I’m sorry.” Dillyn sighed heavily, “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Ben used his thumb to wipe away her tears. Even in the moonlight, he could see them glistening on her face. “I’m glad I was here.” He hesitated for a moment, not sure how far to push. “You want to talk about it?”

That dream? Absolutely not.Dillyn wanted to shove it back down whatever hell hole it came from. Considering how powerful it felt, she didn’t think that was realistic. Still, she did not want to discuss it.

Ugh!She hated this feeling. This particular three-headed monster of vulnerability, fear, and helplessness was brutal. It was a toxic brew that had resulted in some of the more intense panic attacks she’d experienced growing up. Tonight, harkened back to those days. It was seismic on the emotional scale. Why now? Why like this?

Dillyn was not that little girl anymore.I’m an adult.As if to prove that she was in a different space and time, Dillyn rested her head inside the curve of Ben’s neck. He was the here and now. And, while she was strong, Dillyn was glad to have Ben by her side. She appreciated his strength. Instead of thinking about that horrible dream, Dillyn focused on the steady rhythm of his breathing.

He didn’t push. Instead, Ben waited patiently for her to talk . . . or not.

After all these years, Dillyn still held onto some of the same fears from childhood. Her trauma was not going to go away magically. She had to face it. Otherwise, she would never truly heal.Maybe talking to Ben would be a good start.Slowly, Dillyn raised her face to his. She whispered into the darkness, “I was dreaming about my parents.” Just uttering their names made her nauseous. Her voice shook, “I was just a kid, you know?” Her voice broke.

Ben didn’t have an answer. He had no idea how a parent could harm a child like that. He’d rather die than let anyone hurt those he loved. It took everything within him to keep from crushing Dillyn into his chest. “You didn’t deserve what happened.”

She looked up at him with watery eyes. “Why now? I haven’t dreamed about them in years. And last night-” She hesitated, “I thought I heard my father’s voice at Franks.”

That’s who she was looking for. Ben pressed his lips against her forehead. He figured this was all spurred on because of the pregnancy.

Dillyn tried to make sense of her inner turmoil. She could only assume becoming a mother conjured up all kinds of bad juju.A mother.It wasn’t exactly a term that elicited warm or fuzzy feelings. For many years, the fear of being too broken kept her from thinking about having children.

Of course, this was why she was spazzing out. The idea of being a parent was not only surreal but panic-inducing.Anyone in my shoes would be on the brink of a total meltdown.

Dillyn pulled away slightly from Ben as a fire-hydrant of thoughts hit her fast and furious.Can I do this? Will I be a good mom? Shit. This is crazy.Dillyn hadn’t even been sure she could conceive, and strangely enough, that had given her a sense of relief. She tried for years with Steven and had zero results. While Dillyn married him, the mere thought of having a baby made her physically ill.

That would have been a complete disaster.

Dillyn wondered if all those feelings had gone away or evolved into what she was currently experiencing.

Again, Dillyn glanced up at the side profile of the man who would be the father of her child. She could barely make-out his silhouette, but she had memorized his face. Ben was different in every way from Steven. He was kind, patient, loyal, and fiercely protective. Frustrated, she sighed.Maybe your anxiety isn’t about Ben, Steven, or even your parents, but the fear of passing on unresolved issues to an innocent child.

Both sides of her subconscious were at it again. It told heryou won’t be like them.Only to contradict itself and sayyou probably already are.

Dillyn tried to reason with herself. On the surface, she knew she was not her parents.Everything is going to be fine. Get more therapy and stop self-sabotaging.You don’t want to lose this man.Of course, that darker voice continued to plant doubts.Is it going to be that easy? Will everything be fine?

Deep breaths. In. Out. In. Out.

Dillyn squeezed her eyes shut!This baby will be happy, healthy, and whole, dammit. I’m still standing after all the shit I’ve been through. I can do this.I need to take everything one minute, one hour, and one day at a time.

Even after her pep talk, something still feltoff. That nagging feeling that something else was deeply wrong wouldn’t go away.Should I try meditating?Dillyn had never been particularly good at quieting her mind.I should have practiced more.

“You do know everything is going to be okay, right?” Ben reassured her.

“I-I’m sorry I woke you. We should try to go back to sleep.”

It didn’t go unnoticed that she hadn’t agreed. Ben wouldn’t push too hard. Instead, he held her gaze to ensure she was good. He hoped she could see the truth in his eyes. That he would always love and protect her. Nothing else mattered, and whatever burdens Dillyn had, he promised he’d help her carry them.

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