Page 41 of Down My Chimney

“I wanted to surprise you!” he yelled. It sounded extra loud in the elevator. “What, you’re allowed to surprise me in LA, but I can’t do the same thing?”

“Youdon’t live with three roommates who don’t know you’re gay,” I hissed.

“Yeah, well whose fault is that?”

I groaned. “I told you it wasn’t a good time for you to visit. I told you I’d be swamped with work.”

“Yeah, but you always say that. It’s never a good time for me to visit. Hell, it’s never even a good time for you to visit me. Sometimes I feel like I made this whole thing up between us. And you can tell yourself it’s about school and grades all you want, but I think we both know what you’re really afraid of.”

The elevator doors opened, and Henry stalked out into the lobby. There were a couple of other students in the alcove to the right, checking their mail, and a delivery guy from a Chinese place cooling his heels by the lobby entrance. None of them looked at us, but I still couldn’t bring myself to speak until I’d followed Henry out into the parking lot.

“So I’m afraid,” I said when I caught up to him. He was practically running across the lot to his car. “Can you blame me? You’ve met my friends. How do you think they’d react if they found out I was gay?”

“Honestly, Blake? I don’t fucking know, and I don’t think we’re ever going to find out, because you’re too scared to say anything. But I’ll tell you this—if they are assholes about it, why would you want them in your life anyway? Just get better friends.”

“I can’t just get better friends. We’re on the same team. We just renewed our lease on the apartment. If they’re assholes about it, I still have to see them every day for the next year.” I gestured back at the building. “God, what am I even supposed to tell them now?”

“Pretty sure you already told them everything they needed to know.”

We’d reached Henry’s car, and he turned to stare at me, crossing his arms over his chest.

“And don’t worry, I didn’t tell them anything Ishouldn’t havebefore you got there. I just said I was in the area, and my car broke down, and I wanted you to give me a ride home. Just tell them I’m some sort of insatiable slut who can’t go more than half an hour without masturbating and you’ll be fine.”

I couldn’t decide if I wanted to laugh or cry or scream. The car story was the dumbest thing I’d ever heard, and there was no reason for them to believe that, except that exact situation had happened to us before. I’d given Henry a ride up to my family’s cabin last December, the same trip that ended with us getting together.

Just remembering how happy we’d been a year ago hurt my heart. I hated that he was mad at me, and I hated that I deserved it, but I also didn’t know what else I could have done.

“Look, I’m sorry,” I said. “You have to know that. I just—I panicked, you know?”

Henry made a disgusted noise in this throat.

“What?” I asked. “Please, talk to me.”

“Panicking isn’t an excuse, Blake.” He threw his arms up. “The fact that you panicked doesn’t negate what you said. But you always do this. You lash out and hurt other people, all because you’re scared, and you don’t seem to care.”

This time it was me who recoiled. But I knew what he’d said was true.

“Well, maybe I’m just a coward.” My voice was bitter. “You ever think that maybe I’m just not that good a person?”

“Blake—”

“I mean it.Youneed to stop thinking I’m a better person than I actually am. I’m not as brave as you are. I’m not comfortable being alone.”

Henry’s eyes blazed. “And you think I am?”

“Aren’t you? As far back as I can remember, you were always sticking up for some cause or other. You never cared if it meant you didn’t have friends.”

“You think that was fun for me? You think I enjoyed being an outcast? It sucked.”

“Then why are you so eager to push it on me?”

“Because we’re not in high school anymore! Because we’re real adults, living real lives. We get to make our own decisions, and our decisions matter.” He looked at me plaintively. “And because I’m sick of being alone.”

“You’re not alone,” I said. “You have me.”

“Do I?” Henry whispered. “I only have you on your terms. Only when it’s comfortable for you. And I put up with it because I keep telling myself I’m so lucky you want me at all. But the thing is, Blake, I’m sick of telling myself to be okay with scraps. I’m sick of feeling like this is all I deserve.”

Silence descended. A car drove past us and pulled into a parking space at the end of the row. Doors slammed. Back near the building, a group of students approached, laughing and yelling. But between me and Henry, the air was achingly empty.

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