Page 50 of Playboy For Hire

“It doesn’t have to be that. What about personal training? You seem fit and athletic. Or perhaps modeling or acting. Maybe some kind of influencing? I’m sure you’d be great at that. You just have to play to your strengths.”

It wasn’t enough to evaporate. I needed to go back in time and stop myself from being born. My academic advisor was telling me I was too stupid to get a real job. She was literally telling me Iwas just a pretty face.Modeling? I hadn’t realized she’d thought so little of me.

“I can tell this isn’t what you want to hear,” she said briskly. “But I don’t believe in beating around the bush. And I can offer you this. Get a job, get a few years of experience under your belt, and then come back and talk to me. Maybe I’ll be able to help you out then. Okay?”

She said it like it was a question, but she didn’t even give me a chance to reply before she stood and said, “I’m late for a meeting, but do let me know what you find, okay? Keep in touch after graduation. Please.”

I did my best to keep a smile on my face as I grabbed my bag and let her usher me out the door. My life was just one fuck-up after another. I didn’t know why I was even surprised anymore. I should have known I wasn’t going to get the kind of help I wanted. I hadn’t done enough to earn it.

“Yeah,” I said. “I will.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

I gave her a wave, then headed for the stairs, feeling lower than I had in months.

10

QUINN

Iwoke to an empty bedroom. The windows were closed, but it felt cold. The muted, soft light of morning suffused the room as I pushed up in bed. I tilted my head back against the headboard, my hand lying on the mattress where Ryder had been last night.

He’d left without saying goodbye.

I sighed. I probably should have expected that. It was my own fault for getting my hopes up.

I tried to smile, tried to tell myself that last night was fun, and I should just appreciate that. But a thread of sorrow wormed its way through my chest, like I’d lost something I hadn’t even known I’d had.

I went through my morning routine. Got up, brushed my teeth, showered, and dressed. It wasn’t until I got to my kitchen to make coffee that I saw the note Ryder had left.

That thread of sorrow exploded, threatening to bring tears to my eyes. Stupid. But my whole chest felt delicate, like the slightest touch might shatter me.

Ryder had told me last night he didn’t have an early class this morning. Did he remember that? Did he realize his note was so transparent? It felt cruel, but maybe that was what he wanted. To grind his message in.

Last night was fun? Sure. If he really felt that way, he’d still be here. No, he was probably just trying to spare my feelings and not look like a homophobe. That was the charitable interpretation, anyway.

I reminded myself that Ryder had never been intentionally mean in the past. That he was probably just trying to make a clean break.

Dammit. I knew I shouldn’t have kissed him back.

A new, worse thought occurred to me. What if it wasn’t the gay stuff that turned Ryder off? What if it wasme? Maybe he would be perfectly happy to hook up with a guy again, as long as it was someone different.

Hadn’t he basically said as much last night?

Oh, God. Had I seemed needy, saying we should take it slow? Had he figured out that meant I hoped there would be a next time? How pathetic.

He was probably using me as a test drive. He knew I wanted him and knew I’d say yes. I was just a set of training wheels, and now he was off to better things.

I crumpled his note and threw it in the trash.

A week later, I still hadn’t heard from Ryder, and I was beginning to suspect I never would. His ‘see ya’ hadn’t meant anything. I was dumb for thinking he might still want to be friends.

“Quinn, honey, it’s your turn,” Auntie Thea said.

I was sitting at a table with her, Violet, and their friend Marjie in the conservatory at Swannvale, playing bridge. I was having a tough time keeping my mind on the game, though. I looked down at the cards on the table and played the Jack of Clubs, taking the trick.

“That’s my boy,” Thea said, puffing up with pride.

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