Page 56 of Playboy For Hire

“Is that what we are? Close?”

“Maybe not then. But now? Yeah.”

“I was stupid. I should have known Brandon was hiding me. No one would ever want to date me with this.” I gestured to my birthmark.

“It’s really not as big a deal as you think it is.”

God, he was so naive. “Respectfully, you have no idea what it’s like.”

“Yeah, butrespectfully, you have no idea what it’s like outside your own head. And all the messages your family has given you.”

“Don’t start about my family, please.”

“I’m not trying to start anything. I just don’t know why you would let Marie’s comments get into your head. Or why you can’t believe Thea when she says you look good.”

“You don’t get it,” I told him. “You don’t know what it’s like, being Black, and gay, and weird-looking.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“You can’t be too big and masculine, or you scare people. You can’t be too thin and feminine, or you’re flamboyant. It’s this incredibly narrow line you have to walk, and that’s without a face that clearly stamps you as ‘other’ compared to everyone else. Nothing Marie says is worse than the messages I get just by existing.”

“And Thea?”

“When she and her friends compliment me, it’s belittling. Like I’m a child they have to protect from the big, scary world. But Ilivein the world. It sucks sometimes, but I’m not some helpless kid. People stare at me, and lying to myself about what they’re thinking doesn’t make it any easier. I need to live in reality, not some fantasyland in my head where everything is sunshine and rainbows.”

I was breathing hard by the time I finished talking, and I could feel heat creeping into my cheeks. I hadn’t meant to get so worked up. But Ryder had said he wanted to know what I was thinking.

“Oh,” he said, nodding slowly. “Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you for telling me.”

“You asked.”

“I did.” He winced. “Can I say one thing back to you, though?”

“If you try to tell me I’m a very handsome, special little boy…”

“I won’t, I won’t, I swear.” He held his hands up. “For one thing, there’s nothinglittleabout you.”

He smirked, and I rolled my eyes, despite a rush of warmth at the compliment. Could he not be serious for one minute? Also, was he allowed to joke about my dick, after the way he’d ended things? My head was too much of a mess to decide.

“One thing. But you’re on thin ice.”

“Okay.” He pressed his lips together. “I guess I just wanted to say that while I don’t know what it’s like to be you, and I appreciate you explaining, Ialsothink it’s possible that maybe, just maybe, you think people stare at you, and think negative things about you, more than they actually do.”

“Ryder—”

“Mostly because people are selfish,” he continued quickly. “I’m not trying to say it’s all sunshine and rainbows, I’m just saying, most people are wrapped up in their own lives and don’t spend that much time thinking about anyone else at all. And I think it’s also possible,justmaybe, that you’re not completely hideous-looking either. Given that people aren’t like, throwing rotten tomatoes at you while you walk through the streets.”

“That’s not exactly a high bar to clear.”

“I know. But I’m just saying, give people a little credit. Some of us—well, some people can see beyond the surface. Or they see the surface and think it’s a nice surface just as it is. And the people who don’t think that way? Fuck ‘em. You don’t need to care about their opinions.”

“I do, though, when their opinions end up affecting me.”

“But how often do they? And how much is just what you’re expecting to see, in your own head?” He nudged me with his elbow. “You know, if people do stare, you could always just make up an outlandish lie about it. Shark attack. Tragic fire-eating accident from your time in the circus. A birthmark of magical destiny and power.”

I snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure that’ll go over really well on my next date.”

“Well, if it helps, I can promise not to be at that date. That should at least make it go better than the last two.”

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