Page 92 of Playboy For Hire

I flinched. The way she was saying it made me sound particularly stupid.

“There are still some people who think that’s a problem,” I said defensively.

“Yeah, but I fail to see whyyoudo.”

“Because he’s not going to keep liking me, okay?” I exploded. “Because he’s smarter than me, and older than me, and has his whole fucking life together. He’s an actual adult. And I’m just…me. And once he realizes that, he’s going to realize he can do better. And then he won’t want to date me, won’t even want to talk to me anymore, and we won’t be able to go back to being friends, and I don’t think I can handle that.”

Tessa gaped at me. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah?” I looked at her, unsure of how to make her see. “Tessa, this always happens to me. Everyone I’ve seriously dated eventually realizes I’m actually kind of dumb, and that they can do better. And Quinn—” I shut my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose, trying to hold back tears. “Quinn is so smart and talented and sweet and it doesn’t make sense why he’d even be interested in me in the first place, but it’s definitely not going to last.”

“But what happened? What did he do that made you end things?”

“Nothing. He’s great. He’s fucking perfect. But he can’t see what’s coming.”

“And you can?” She gave me an exasperated look. “Are you seriously telling me that you ended things with a perfectly good guy all because you think you can see the future and are afraid of getting hurt?”

“I don’t think, Iknow.”

“Well, pardon me, Nostradamus, I guess I missed the part where you became an all-seeing psychic.”

“I’m not saying I’m psychic, I’m saying that based on past experience, I have a pretty good idea of how the future is going to go.”

“God, no wonder you’re worried he’s going to think you’re dumb. You’re so afraid of potentially getting hurt in the future that you’re guaranteeing you get hurt right now. How does that make any sense, Ryder?”

“I don’t—it doesn’t—” I broke off, frustrated. “You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me. Because all I see right now is you making yourself, and this other guy, completely miserable because you’re afraid of a future hypothetical. How did he react when you told him all of this?”

I looked at my feet and didn’t answer.

Tessa stared in disbelief. “You didn’t even tell him any of this? You’re just making the decision unilaterally?”

“Most breakups are unilateral,” I said indignantly.

“I don’t care if they are, Ryder. This one doesn’t have to be.” She put her hands on her hips. “Life is all one big unknown. You might win the lottery tomorrow, or get hit by a bus. Or both. There is so little we can actually predict. All we can do is try to be happy in the here and now. But you’ve got a guy now who likes you, who you like, and you’re trying to ruin that for both of you because you’re scared?”

“When you put it like that, it sounds stupid.”

“That’s because it is.” She threw her hands up. “Is any of this getting through to you?”

“I hear what you’re saying. And I appreciate it. But you don’t actually know him. Or what we’re like together. Trust me on this one. I’m right.”

She pressed her lips together and shook her head, then said, “I really, really hope you’re not.”

“It doesn’t make any difference now. I’m not going to see him again. I pretty well took care of that.”

“And that makes you feel better?” She arched an eyebrow.

“It means I’m saving him and me more pain down the line. So yes. Kind of.”

“I gotta tell you, I think that’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard. But I’m sorry you’re going through this. I really am.”

“Thanks,” I said dully.

“Wait a second.” Her eyes narrowed. “The last time you were moody at trivia night, you told me some story about Raf being mad at you because you’d ruined his date. Was that actually true?”

I winced. “Maybe only partially.”

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