Page 118 of Fix You

I gasped. The waitress returned with our drinks. After sucking down half of my pint, Quinn began to tell me what had happened with Isla and a Bratva leader named Mikita.

When he finished, tears pricked my eyes. I reached out to grab his hand in mine. “There aren't enough words to express how sorry I am. For you and for Isla.”

“I want to leave the clan.”

My eyes popped wide. “But you can’t. You took an oath.”

“Aye, but oaths can be broken.”

“Not without bloodshed.” I shuddered. “Not without death.”

“I don’t have anything left, Mae. I loved Rian like a brother, and this world took him from me. Then I truly gave my heart to a woman for the first time, and this world takes her as well.” He slowly shook his head. “I don’t know if I can take all this pain, Mae.”

I squeezed his hand. “Our family needs you. I need you.”

Quinn exhaled a ragged breath. “How do you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Find the will to get up in the morning. Resist the urge to just end it all.”

“Because then they would win. In my case, it doesn’t matter that Father and Oisin are dead. By giving up, they’ve won, and I will never,everallow that as long as I have a breath within me.” Jerking my chin up, I added, “I’ll survive, and I’ll thrive out of pure spite.”

“That’s talking like a true Kavanaugh.”

“Thank you, brother.”

“Gah, you’re so fucking strong, Mae.”

As Quinn echoed the sentiment Rafe had, I couldn’t help but feel. “Most days, I don’t feel that way. I wonder if I’ll ever not wake up screaming because of that night. If I’ll truly ever be able to give myself to a man without seeing Oisin’s face or feeling his hands on me.”

He shuttered his eyes at the mention of what I’d endured. When he opened them, a tortured look resided in them. “Were we wrong to never ask you about that night? I know it’s a delicate matter, but did you need us at least to ask? Did you need to tell us what happened?”

“As much as you all have sheltered and protected me, there’s some horrors I need to keep to myself.”

“Kellan had to talk to Isla about what happened.”

“I’m glad he did. It’s liberating when you free yourself of the pain.”

“You aren’t angry he shared what happened?”

I shook my head. “I want him to be able to be in my presence without crying. I want him to be everything he can be in our family without being riddled with guilt and remorse.”

“I think he’s well on his way to doing that.”

“Good. Now we can just focus on you.”

“I might be a lost cause.”

“Never.”

“I want to believe you.”

I gave him an encouraging smile. “We will find a way to get her back.”

“I think that’s as much a lost cause as I am.”

“Trust me.”

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