Page 52 of Fix You

Truthfully, I welcomed the change. There was nothing for me in Belfast but the ghosts of my past. Last Christmas our large extended family rallied around us in our first holiday withoutDa. My emotional turmoil was still too fresh, so Mam had given me her blessing to sneak away on Christmas Eve to our beach house.

But I hadn’t been alone. Quinn, who was still dealing with his own pain from the bombing that had left him scarred both physically and emotionally the year before, had taken the keys from my bodyguard and driven us both away. Then on Christmas Day, we’d been joined by the others with leftovers from lunch.

The moment we’d landed we found Caterina had been doing everything she could to make it a holiday to remember. I think it had a lot to do with the fact it was her first Christmas as a married woman, not to mention she’d spent the last one in a religious order.

The more time I spent with Caterina, the more I liked her. It didn’t hurt that we were so close in age. After I’d returned to university, we’d started texting daily, and we usually Facetimed two to three times a week.

Like me, Caterina really didn’t have any close female friends. While I had many acquaintances from my classes that I might pop into the pub for a pint or catch a movie at the cinema with, I always kept them at arm’s length because of my past. Caterina helped bridge that gap to have someone to truly depend on who knew my darkest secrets.

Well, except the one where I kissed her brother and had a mental breakdown.

Over the months, there had been one person who had consistently stayed on my mind, and that was Rafe. So many times I’d wanted to reach out to him either with a phone call or maybe even an email. Even Dr. Leighton had urged me to speak with him about what had happened. She’d handled several emergency sessions with me right after the incident while I wasstill in Boston. He’d been a frequent topic of conversation in all of my sessions since returning to Dublin.

But in the end, I ignored her advice.

Deep down I knew the reason remained the same as I’d told Mam. If I reached out to him, I would have to explain about my past. And just like before, I didn’t want to ever see a look of pity in his eyes. Or worst of all disgust. I wanted to always remember him frozen in time on that night. When he’d looked at me with attraction.

And with lust.

Even though I knew he was eventually destined for an arranged marriage, I sometimes allowed myself a daydream or two about what it would be like to be with him. In my fantasies, I never reacted like I did that night. I allowed him to kiss me over and over again.

Of late, he’d starred in all my explicit fantasies. Months before I’d met Rafe, Dr. Leighton had asked me to conquer touching myself before I allowed anyone else to touch me. I needed to understand what brought me pleasure and what my limits were at my own hands before I was with someone else.

Those earlier sessions with my rabbit had been fantasizing about Henry Cavill in his Tudors days.

Now it was only Rafe who got me off. I didn’t even need any toys. Just the thoughts of him with his face between my legs, licking and sucking at my clit, could bring on multiple orgasms. I sometimes like to imagine him taking me to a club and jerking up the hem of my dress and fucking me where anyone walking by could see us.

But in the end, it was only fantasies.

Some of them were so dirty I often felt the need to repent for them during mass much like I was at the moment. After days of shopping and baking, we all piled into two bullet-proof SUV’s to attend Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.

As I knelt on the kneelers with my rosary in my hand, I let my prayers of repentance for my sinful fantasies go to the man who controlled my ability to be sexually free. Even outside of mass, I prayed to be free from Oisin. I desperately wanted to be able to experience what other young women my age were.

I wanted the fantasies that I experienced with Rafe to be a reality.

I wanted dates and romance and…intimacy.

I wanted to feel a man’s hands on my body that brought pleasure, not disgust or shame. I wanted to be able to give myself freely, not tethered to my trauma.

I wanted to have sex again…or I suppose I should say for the first time.

Dr. Leighton had coached me many times not to count what had happened with Oisin. I hadn’t given my consent, so it wasn’t truly part of my sexual history.

My focus thankfully went from Oisin to Rafe. Despite how things had ended with him, I couldn’t help wanting him. At the impure thoughts filling my head in church, heat rushed to my face. Ducking my head, I tried to rid my mind of the x-rated thoughts of Rafe Neretti. Instead, I focused on what the new year would bring to me.

I hoped for peace and happiness.

And despite all the obstacles, I hoped for Rafe Neretti.

After arriving home late from mass, I slept in on Christmas morning. When I rolled over to peek at my phone, it was after nine. With a grimace, I threw back the covers. Mam and I were going to help Caterina prepare Christmas lunch. Although she was an exceptional cook, Caterina was still learning some of the traditional Irish dishes. She’d also mentioned wanting us to sample some of the Natale meals she’d grown up with. I felt bad that she wouldn’t be spending Christmas with her blood family. Callum wouldn’t be welcome at the Nerettis, so I’d heard Caterina saying she wouldn’t be attending any of their parties or gatherings.

At my movement in the bed, Murphy began rousing as well. I knew he would need to go out, so I threw on my robe and took him downstairs. After putting my coat over my robe, I entered the alarm code and headed outside.

Once I deposited Murphy on the ground, he began to sniff around the snow. After a few minutes passed with me shivering, I urged, “Murph, come on. I’m freezing my tail off out here.”

Thankfully, he took my words to heart and did his business. After grabbing him up, I hurried us back inside.When I enteredthe kitchen, I found Caterina alone. I wondered if Mam had overslept too. Murphy yipped and ran over to Caterina.

After she scooped him up, she turned around. With a beaming smile, she carefully pronounced, “Nollaig shona, Maeve.”

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