Page 183 of Piece Us Together

He chuckles, leaning his head to the side to rest it against mine. “I love him so goddamn much, Nol. I love both of you.”

“We love you, too.”

“Even when you have to come get me off of my therapist’s floor?”

“Maybe especially then.”

He laughs again, but it’s not light this time, not amused. “You like your men broken, baby?”

“Beautiful even though it’s broken, right?”

“What if there’s not enough gold in the world for how many pieces I’m split into?”

“Then we make more. Or we use fucking glue. Gold isn’t everything. Glue works too, okay?” I move my head out from under his and turn to look at him. His cheeks are wet, but no tears are currently falling. “I want the both of you, any way I can have you. But people want the people they love to be safe andhealthy and happy. I—we—want you to be safe and healthy and happy.”

He looks back at the notebook. “I’m trying to decide if I’m allowed to make Carter one of these.”

“A goal?” He nods. “What about him?”

“I…don’t know, I guess. Forgiveness? A relationship again?” Before I can give my opinion, he continues. “Singh asked me something tonight. He asked if I’d forgive myself, once Carter forgives me. If it would really matter.”

“What’d you say?”

“I don’t know. That’s what I said, I mean. I don’t know if it would matter.” He turns his chin, looking into the fire again. “He said maybe I’m not ready to forgive myself.”

“What would you be waiting for, other than Carter?”

“I don’t know,” he says in frustration. “I feel this unbearable obligation to fucking—to earn forgiveness and I don’t even know if it’s forgiveness from Carter anymore or forgiveness from myself or fucking forgiveness from God. I don’t know when I’ve earned it. I don’t know when it stops. I need it to fucking stop, Nol, and I don’t know how.”

I put my head back on his shoulder, curling an arm around him. Mostly to comfort him. A little to hide that I’m starting to cry. “I think that should be a goal then. Not Carter—or not just Carter—but forgiving yourself. Working on your relationship with Carter could be a separate thing.”

“Yeah.” He exhales shakily. “Yeah. Okay.”

It takes him a while before he writes them down, though. The first is Carter. The second is forgiveness. I try not to look too far into that.

He starts tapping his pen against his foot.

“Hey, baby?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m going to try to stop hurting myself. I might need help, but I’m going to try, okay?”

It scares me, that it’s justtry. I trust Dr. Singh, though. I trust Hunter. I even trust myself. We won’t stop until he’s okay. Until he’s safe, even from himself.Especiallyfrom himself.

“Okay?” he asks again.

“Yeah, Mais. Okay.”

He’s quiet for a while, the two of us sinking into a sort of lull as the fire crackles and flickers. I think I drift a little, the peace carrying my sleepy brain off for a bit. That’s why I jolt upright when he says, “I want him to fuck me.”

My elbow hits him in the ribs, my toe kicking the brick of the fireplace. “Fuck. Ow. Goddamnit.”

He laughs, all husky and low and fond as hell. He helps me steady myself with a shake of his head. The firelight is dancing in the blue of his eyes. “Falling asleep on me, baby?”

“Maybe just a little.” I wipe at my face, trying to feel more awake. Then what he said sinks in.Oh. “Wait—you want him to fuck you? Like, with you bottoming, you mean?”

“Yeah.” I just get the chance to see his smile slip before he looks back at the notebook. “I was a switch, before. I liked it. Sometimes I just—I needed to be fucked, you know?” He chuckles then, winking at me. “Yeah, you know.”

---