Page 189 of Piece Us Together

“Excellent. Keep that attitude in mind, now. We need to set some rules. Some structure. You can be a part of choosing those, but some are non-negotiable.” When Maison flinches, I hurry to add, “When I say non-negotiable, it doesn’t mean there’s absolutely no wiggle-room. Just that the basis is important. For example—when you have the urge to hurt yourself or are struggling to care for yourself, you have to tell someone. You can choose who. You can choose how. We can set a new safeword, if you’d like. You can tell Nolan or me orange, or pink, or whatever else you’d like to use, and we’ll know you need us to not leave you by yourself and to make sure your needs are taken care of for a while. You could share that word with your friends if you’d rather. Or Dr. Singh.”

“You guys,” he says quickly. Then, “You, mostly. I don’t—I don’t mean it in a bad way. I love you, Nol, I really love you, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to lean on you as well as I can with Hunter.”

I can hear the hurt in Nolan’s voice when he says, “Oh. Okay.”

“It’s not—I just know that’s not your favorite headspace, being in charge. I think if Hunter is capable of taking care of both ofus instead of taking care of you and you taking care of me, you’d rather that, wouldn’t you?”

When Nolan hesitates, even though the three of us know the answer, I tell him, “It doesn’t make you a bad person, darling. You care about him, just differently. That’s what’s beautiful about the three of us. We contribute different things, show love in different ways, and it works. The pieces of us fit together so well.”

“Yeah,” he agrees, sounding much brighter now. “They really do.”

I have to pause then, giving Nolan a kiss over my shoulder, then giving Maison one. They sigh in almost unison.

“Orange works,” Maison says. “For the safeword.”

“Orange it is.”

“What happens if I don’t, though?”

“Don’t use it when you need to?” He nods, looking away like he’s already done something wrong just by asking. “Then you’ll get caught and I will be insufferably on your ass until I decide I can trust you to tell me. You won’t be hurt, I won’t withhold care or love or comfort, but you will lose a lot of your personal space and privacy.”

He nods slowly. “Okay. I’m going to try, though. Try to use it. I promise.”

“And we’ll try to notice more. To let you know when we’re worried. Dr. Singh said you sometimes don’t feel very aware of the behaviors you’re using to harm yourself. It’ll take time for you to be able to see some of them.”

“He could make a list,” Nolan suggests. “Dr. Singh had us do that once, in group therapy. We made a list of self-destructive thoughts and behaviors and then we shared ours and heard each other’s and Dr. Singh added a few no one had listed. It helped us talk about them, but helped us see them better too.”

I nod. “He mentioned that exercise, actually. I think that’d be a great idea. We could also keep it somewhere for you to look at if you ever wanted to, Maison. Sometimes seeing it in writing is easier when you’re trying to evaluate yourself. It works the other way, too. You can list your thoughts and what behaviors you want to do when you’re struggling, then read them over and see them in a different way, deciding if they’re healthy or not.”

“That sounds…manageable.”

“Good. Remember, it’ll all take work. It’s just one day at a time.”

Maison gives me a look. “Don’t start saying motivational quotes. That’s where I draw the line.”

“Fair enough.” I laugh, letting the sound drift off after a second. “This next one is selfish and you’re allowed to say no.”

“Oh boy,” Maison mumbles.

“Don’t be a jerkface,” Nolan says, moving so he’s across from us and able to see us better.

Maison rolls his eyes. “Jerkface? Really?”

“Uh,yeah. A cute one, but still.”

“Okay, sassy and jerkface,” I say teasingly, getting offended sounds and looks from each of them. I smirk. “I want the two of you to stay with me for the next week or so.”

Their smiles freeze.

“I’m not asking you to move in and you can still absolutely say no, I just—”

“Yes,” Maison says.

“Fuck yes,” Nolan adds.

Maison nods vehemently. “Absolutely fucking yes.”

I chuckle. “Well, that was much easier than I expected…but I’ll take it.”

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