Page 29 of Clonely You

“You probably hate me now.”

“Never. I love you.”

“You do not.” I weep. “I’m terrible.”

He folds his big body down and joins me on the floor. Aithar sits next to me, just close enough to feel as if he’s with me but not crowding me. “You are not. You are someone who has been through something very difficult and is holding tightly onto everything she has gained. Do you think I do not understand this? When I was first freed by Lord Straik, I did not knowhow to say ‘no’ to anyone. They could ask me to clean the lavatories with a brush the size of an eyelash, and I would have gone over them twice. I was endlessly pleasant, and I smiled at everything.”

“You still smile at everything,” I mutter, wiping my face.

“Only because I feel like smiling, my heart. It was Erzah that took me aside and told me that no one would send me away if I said no. That no one would think I was being a difficult a’ani, or that I could have opinions and it would be fine. I didn’t believe him, of course. I was too afraid that I would be sent back to the mining station and chained to my desk once more.” He gently strokes my wet cheek. “So I know what you are feeling.”

My mouth goes dry and I stare up at him with newfound shame. Chained to his desk? It’s horrific to think that slavery is a thing even with these technologically advanced aliens. “I didn’t mean to downplay your experience. My people know a thing or two about being enslaved, too.”

“I didn’t think you were mocking me. You are trying to take control of a messy situation, my heart. Iunderstand. You are afraid to make changes in your life because you are comfortable. You do not want to destroy the fragile happiness you have created.” He nudges me with his elbow. “I would never judge.”

Fresh tears slide down my face, because he’s right. He’s very right. “And in the meantime, I’m a monster to everyone.”

“No. Not at all. You are just frightened.” He gives me the sweetest, most understanding look. “It is all right to be frightened, but you can talk to me about it. I am here to be your friend and your supporter, no matter if you decide you do not wish to use me for sex any longer.”

“I’m kind of a selfish asshole, because I don’t want that. I love you being here. I love spending time with you. Even when we’re not kissing…though the kissing is pretty great, too.” I eye his full mouth rather covetously. “That’s part of the problem. I try toimagine you in the same room with my sister and I can’t. And instead of dealing with it, I just keep choosing to fool around with you. That makes me the worst person.”

“It does not.” Aithar scoots forward and cups my face in his hands. “Do you know how I got past my fear of losing everything?”

“How? If there’s a trick, I’d love to know it.”

He gently wipes my face and tucks my coiling, wild hair behind my ear. “My friends. They realized that I was going overboard to please Lord Straik and them. In order to prove to me that I was safe, all the a’ani on the crew became the most disrespectful, loud, obnoxious, and obstinate crew of a ship ever. Every order Lord Straik said was met with angry denials. No one did their jobs. They argued and fought and did not clean up after themselves. In short, they were a terrible, awful crew. And Lord Straik argued with them back. When they yelled, he yelled. He was frustrated, but he never retaliated. When he grew angry, he had us all gather for a meeting to discuss what was going on. That was when I finally realized what they were doing. They were proving a point to me. That it was fine to have opinions and to sometimes be a terrible person. That we cannot all always be perfect. That we are still worthwhile even when we make choices that annoy someone else.”

That’s…so incredibly kind. I immediately feel like a jerk all over again that I haven’t given his friends more of a chance. He’s staunchly supported them even when I pointed out that they were teasing him. He said they were close like siblings, and I get it now. If this is the history they have had together, no wonder he loves and trusts them. No wonder he doesn’t mind when they tease him.

Aithar smiles at me and runs a hand over my curls. “I like your mane. Your curls are so lively.”

“You like everything about me,” I point out.

“I really do.”

Somehow that eases some of the tightness in my chest. I move closer to him, and when he puts his arms around me and drags me into his lap, I let him. It’s the second time in two days that he’s cuddled me and I’ve allowed it. Normally I’m so careful because I don’t want to lose control of our ‘situation.’ I’m afraid that’s gone entirely out the window, though.

Hugs? I absolutely need them. Especiallyhishugs.

He tucks me under his chin and rubs my arm. “I hate that I’ve made you cry.”

“I hate that I’ve become one of those people that cries over things I should want.” I lean into his warmth, his strength. His uniform is a little starchy against my skin, but it creates a fascinating contrast against the hardness of the muscles underneath it. “I should want another person to be successful with their farm. I should want a bounty hunter contacted to find my sister. I should want to have friends. I should want to have less work. Instead, it all terrifies me.”

“Mm.” He holds me close, not disagreeing. The floor is hard and cold underneath my legs, but I don’t want to get up. I like being in his arms, even if we’re on the floor in an uncomfortable sort of pile. Then, he asks, “Perhaps you need to be broken of your fears like I was broken of mine.”

“You think your friends want to come over and help me with that? They probably think I’m terrible for you.”

“They do not. They are thrilled that I am so happy. And the idea I had for helping you with your fears does not involve others participating.”

“No?”

“No.” He leans in and nips the shell of my ear with his teeth. A heated flutter starts in my belly. “You are afraid to give control of your situation away. Let me take control for one night. Just to prove that you don’t have to be in charge all the time.”

A shiver works up my spine. Let him have control of our time together? “What does that entail, exactly?”

“Everything you think it does.”

“Sex?”

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