Page 15 of Alamort

The last picture we took together when she took me to her spot for the first time.

11 months ago

We had just made it through the clearing, the moon illuminated the cliff’s edge. As we neared closer, she closed her eyes, breathing in deep, taking in the smell of pine trees and the earth after a rainstorm. The sparkling from the stars reflecting off of the water gave off an otherworldly feeling of peacefulness.

“Yugen.” I place my hands over my mouth to whisper like a secret.

“Hmmm?” Addi opens one of her eyes, a hint of a smile playing at the corner of her naturally pink lips.

“It’s a Japanese word. Sometimes the world is so intense that the words we try to use to convey what we’re feeling aren’t able to be said. But you can feel it. It’s indescribable.”

She hums her agreement. “Is that your word of the day?”

“I think it has to be.” I take another moment to admire the beauty of my sister. Her eyes closed and face tilted upward to the moon. Her light blonde hair, which is lightly rustled from being kissed by the wind, is out of its usual updo. She looks to be at peace for the moment before her brows furrow, lookingtroubled. She reaches for my hand, intertwining our fingers, staring out over the water.

“Firefly?” I roll my eyes at the nickname she gave me when I was six, pretending that it bothers me. But I love being special to her because she’s everything to me. She said I’m her light in the darkness. I give her hope. Which is ironic because she’s mine.

“Do you ever feel so twisted up about something? You know what you have to do. But you’re scared?” Her voice breaks, spoken so softly that it feels like it’s a confession. My body goes taut at the pain radiating off of her. I’m scared to ask a question that I’m not sure I want to know the answer to.

“That’s called bravery, Addi…” I shrug. She’s the bravest person I’ve ever known.

“I’d do anything for you, you know that, right?” She takes my hand and gives three squeezes for ‘I love you,’ something we’ve done since we were little. “For you to be happy. Even if the cost was myself. I know you think you have to hide things to protect me. But I’m supposed to do that for you. I’myourolder sister. You’ve always held me as untouchable, invincible even.” Silent tears stream down her face at the confession. Alarm bells are going off in my brain. Every hair on my body is standing on edge.

“Addison!” She ignores me and continues to stare ahead. “Addison! Look at me!” I all but scream. She’s scaring me. There’s been nights where we’ve held each other and cried. Where she promised everything would be all right, tracing the veins in my arms until I fell asleep. This feels different. Like a goodbye.

“You can’t break up with me. We’re sisters.” My voice wavers. I search her face as a gentle smile appears. “There’s no me without you. We’re two peas in a pod. I can’t do this without you. You’ve lived without me, but I’ve never been in aworld without you.” I stare harder at her to force her to feel my feelings. The ones I have a hard time saying but, hope she can see.

“I’m scared,” I whisper. “You’re scaring me.”

She pulls me into a bone-crushing hug that takes my breath away, but I return it all the same. She’s only an inch or two taller than me. Her lips kiss my hair and I breathe in her lavender and coconut scent.

“Don’t leave me here.” The whimper works its way up my throat.

She backs up and looks down at my pinky finger extended and my thumb out like a “hang loose” sign. Wrapping her pinky around mine and kisses her thumb to meet mine over the top. I repeat the gesture. We’ve done this sacred pinky promise since we were little. For as long as I can remember, she’s never broken a promise. She leans in conspiratorially. “Want to do something crazy?”

Actually, yes. Anything to get out of this depressing mood. I nod vigorously. She undresses to her bra and panties. I look around towards the pitch, black trees behind us, thinking of all the marks on my body. Contemplating if she’d be able to make them out in the moonlight, before doing the same.

She grabs my hand again. “Don’t think. Just do.”

Adrenaline pumps through my veins. Anxiousness, nervous jitters, and pure excitement are all in the pit of my stomach, building up and radiating throughout my whole body. My breathing picks up. I know what she’s thinking.

“One...”

Dizziness from the excitement begins. It has to be about a 60 foot drop. My muscles twitch in anticipation.

“Two…”

My heart is a steady drum in my ears. We take off, running toward the edge of the cliff.

That saying, “If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you?” And the answer is to scoff like it’s the most ludicrous thing to say.

I wouldn’t if a friend did. But I’d follow her to the ends of the earth. Bridge included.

We leap off the edge. My mind goes blank when the wind rushes past my ears. Thoughts of my sister’s words, my shitty parents, or even the fact I’ve never had a birthday aside from my sister making it everything I needed it to be, is absent. It reminds me of a rollercoaster. The free fall of my organs plummeting.

When the freezing October water, our hands are ripped apart from the impact. I let my arms drift around me, my hair floating up from my quick descent into the water. I sit still for a moment, allowing the belly of the water to hold me as I settle.

If only it could always be like this: calm, peaceful. No fear hovering over me, constantly looking over my shoulder. No disappointments and expectations. What a wonderful way to feel, just nothing.

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