Page 19 of Alamort

“You’re new… aren’t you?” A rhetorical question. People press in behind me, urging me forward.

“Oscar? Can you bring her up here?”

The air changes when he slowly creeps up behind me.

“Remember what I said outside? It applies here too. Don’t put a fucking finger on me.” I snarl. If he doesn’t heed my warning, I have enough lighter fluid to light his ass up like a Christmas tree. Oscar throws his hands in the air to show heisn’t touching me. My legs wobble like jello on my way up to the center of the room.

“Tonight, we’re going to end off with a little self-reflection. Marker, please?” Then Amber leans closer to me as she did to the first girl.

“Next time, stay away from Bennett. He’s mine.”

Another Barbie hands her a red permanent marker. She uncaps while looking over my body, pondering the same thing we all do when we look in the mirror. Or maybe that’s just me. She draws arrows inward on my lower thighs.

“There’s no thigh gap… your thighs should be smaller for your height.” I let out a harsh laugh. I’ve been told for years by my mother.

I grab the marker from her hand, tossing it somewhere behind me, followed by a yelp.

I mimic what she did, leaning in, “Let me make it easier for you. My boobs are too small, my ass is too fat, my thighs are too thick, I have bags under my eyes. I don’t have an entirely flat stomach.” I could go on and on. We’re going to pick out my insecurities about my appearance? I’m a million times better at doing that than any fake ass girl who only wants attention.

“I don’t want your pathetic man whore of a boyfriend who can’t seem to keep his hands to himself. Do better.” I whisper, giving her some girl -to-girl advice. I shove by her shoulder while I take my leave. Every single eye in the room is on me. I’m trying to hold it together because I’m about to snap.

This time, I don’t bother waiting for River to let her know I’m leaving. Amber resumes her reign of terror on the poor freshmen who sit there and take it. The chilly air hits my sweaty skin again as I exit the barn.

“Priya! Wait!” I turn at the sound of River’s voice and hit her with a scathing glare. She skids to a halt, hands up, yielding.

“Did you know?” I try to keep words from wavering and my face blank.

“What? What are you talking about?” This is the issue with people. They can hide behind hundreds of masks. Some are better at hiding their true nature than others. I scan her face, looking for any sort of guilt, remorse or responsibility only to come up short.

“I’m going back to the dorm.” Ending on that, I turn away.

“Priya, I swear. Whatever is going on, I had nothing to do with it.” She’s eager to prove her innocence. I shrug. It doesn’t really matter, does it? It happened.

I feel empty. The urge to burn the barn to the fucking ground to make me feel better about being insecure, but don’t see it happening tonight. One day. Tomorrow should be better. She holds my phone out for me, looking at the phone and back to her, confused. She shrugs while scooting closer.

“Saint gave it to me when the freshmen hazing started. Said he was trying to find you. He found it on the ground.” My only guess is that I lost it during the fight when I was shoved.

Tomorrow will be better. That’s what I need to believe. Fake it until you become it.

COPYCAT – Billie Eillish

Eyes still closed, I unfortunately woke up realizing I didn’t die in my sleep. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t wash the sliminess of last night off of me before bed. Another day stuck in my miserable existence.

Stretching and yawning, I catch a whiff of coffee in the air. What the fuck? I jump up, my razor in hand, only to see River calmly drinking her tea, her legs tucked unseated her while scrolling through social media on her phone.

“Good morning, sunshine. Are you going to cut me with that too?” Ha. Ha. I appreciate the dark humor and the cup of coffee on the counter.

“How did you get in here?” I question. Since she shouldn’t be able to, considering the card is usually stashed in my bra.

“Oh yeah, I’m good with computers.” She holds up a replica of my card in her hand. My brain is taking a second to wake up because she seems to be the only person in the world who is wide awake, dressed for the day and ready to have an actual conversation first thing in the morning.

“So…?” I gesture for her to continue her explanation, not fully awake.

She rolls her eyes, “‘So’ it’s simple to snatch a spare keycard and reprogram it.”

Yeah, it’s ‘easy’. For who?

“Do you have very many friends?”

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