Page 49 of Resisting the Alien Rider

“They aren’t married yet.” He said it with the spitting stubbornness only a child who had no idea what they were talking about could muster.

“Alright, her groom, then. You knew what I meant,”I chided. “I need to make sure you understand that, once we meet him, she will go with him. And we will continue on without her.”

I felt like one of the gutted fish at our feet as I said it.

“We could kill him,” Killian said suddenly. His eyes blazed in the low evening light. “She can’t go with him if he’s dead. And then she’ll need us. To keep taking care of her.”

What in the blazes…

“We can’t kill him, Killian,” I groaned. “That is absolutely not an option.”

“What will the Empire do?” he asked haughtily, as if he’d come up with a completely rational argument and that I was being the unreasonable one. “Convict us again? I’ll do it. I’m still a child. They cannot send me to the mines. We could even make it look like an accident!” He sounded nearly gleeful now, buzzing with optimism. “He’s already broken his foot, hasn’t he? Maybe he also tripped and fell down a gorge. Or off the edge of a cliff. Or-”

“You have put way too much thought into this,” I muttered, rubbing at my jaw.

I probably should have been disturbed by this turn of conversation. But instead, I felt rather worryingly touched by how far Killian was willing to go to keep Magnolia with us. I ignored what that likely said about my own mental state.

For a long moment, I merely listened to the quiet lap of the water brushing up against the shore.Something so pure, so cleansing, so soft, touching the hard and broken things before it withdrew.

Taking a breath, I quietly but firmly said, “She can’t stay with us, Killian.”

Killian dug the claw of his thumb into the log, twisting it until the spot of wood was shredded. His skinny forearm flexed. His hands were shiny with fish guts.

“It’s because we don’t deserve her,” he mumbled. “We aren’t good enough.”

His mouth twisted, and he ducked his head so that his hair hid his face. “I’mnot good enough. Maybe if I was, then she would want to make a family with us instead of Oaken.”

And just like that, my mind was racing, trying to figure out how I could possibly make this better for him. Easier. Less painful when I’d never be able to make it less painful for myself.

I thought about leaving him with Oaken and Magnolia. But they would be a newly wedded pair. They’d be wanting to start their own life unencumbered by the responsibility of an unpredictable convict-ward. I doubted the warden would allow me to shirk my duties and leave Killian with someone else, and that was not even considering the fact that leaving him behind might now break me nearly as much as leaving her.

What other options, then? Move my herd into the mountains? Build a new home, a whole new life near my cousin so that Killian would get to see Magnolia more?

And so that I would get to see Magnolia, too? Blissfully married to somebody else?

I thought about it, really thought about it. Forced myself to shape the torturously vivid picture of it in my mind. I imagined watching Magnolia bloom with happiness alongside Oaken. I imagined watching her love him, maybe even have a child with him if it were possible. I imagined those eyes and that smile aimed at him, adoring him, and felt something inside my chest begin to splinter.

“Sometimes you don’t get the life you want,” I said woodenly. I did not know if I was speaking to Killian or to myself. “Magnolia just… She just wasn’t meant for us.”

Killian absorbed this for a beat in silence. Then he suddenly flew to his feet. His tail thrashed against the ground, nearly sending the fish flying.

He stood before me, and I watched him sharpen his sadness into anger. This happened often, and I couldn’t say I blamed him for it. It was always easier to defend yourself with a weapon than with a wound.

“You’re so stupid,” he hissed. “Why didn’t you ask for a bride like the others? If you had, Magnolia might have been married to you in the first place! She could have stayed with us!”

“Killian…”

“I hate you. I wish they’d given me to Oaken, too.”

The splintering sensation intensified. With it went my restraint. I rose, towering over my convict-ward.

“You think that I am happy?” I snarled. “You think that I want to give her up? When I said no to the brideprogram, I had no idea it could be her. If she were any other woman –anyother woman, Killian! – I would not feel like my heart is being ripped up and out of my throat every time I so much aslookat her!”

Killian’s eyes grew huge. His chest heaved.

“I did not know someone like Magnolia could evenexistout there! Had I been tasked with bringing Darcy to Oaken, or Cherry, I would not be falling apart right now. I’d be able to deliver her safely and move on with my life. But now, I just look around and think,what life?What’s left after she goes? I can’t even ask to be granted my own bride now, because it won’t be her and no one else will ever be enough. You think that I don’t feel regret? Some days, it’s all I feel. Some days, it’s like I’m drowning in it.”

Killian was tense, practically vibrating. Without warning, he collapsed down onto his backside, like my words had knocked the strength out of his legs.

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