Page 61 of Baby Maker

The slideshow begins, complete with the most god awful song selection known to man. The tears fall with each passing photo until both the screen and my eyes are too blurry to see.

We were so happy, Nigel and I, as we frolicked on the beach, clueless to the terrible turn our lives would take a year later.

"Calli, what's wrong?" Keegan inquires, and I jump when his hand touches my arm, wiping my face in a futile attempt to hide the tears. "Sweetie, what happened?"

His face is lined with concern and love, but all I see are the photos of Nigel flashing in front of my face. All I feel is this suffocating darkness. How, in these last few months, I've abandoned Nigel's memory, seeking solace in someone else's arms. Suddenly, I feel like a two-bit hussy, caught with her pants down.

"I have to go," I mumble, wresting out of his grip and making a beeline for the bedroom. I grab my suitcase, haphazardly tossing in my clothing.

In a second, Keegan is by my side, grabbing my arms and forcing me to meet his gaze. "What happened? Did someone die? Talk to me."

"Yes," I manage, my voice strangled. "Someone did die. Nigel died. I shouldn't be here. I need to go."

The confusion and hurt spread across his face, but I'm too wrapped up in my own pain to take on his, too. "What brought this on? Calli, stop for a second. I'm trying to understand."

I jerk from his grasp, gathering up my belongings from random spots in the room. "But you can't, can you? You've never lost someone you love. Not like I love Nigel. You can't understand how I feel. I need to go home. If you won't take me, I'll call Bridget to come and get me."

Keegan crosses his arms over his chest, a neutral expression falling across his features. The doctor's expression. I know that one well. I saw it on the face of every doctor Nigel saw, when all they had to give us was more bad news. "I'll take you home, Calliope. But can you at least tell me what triggered this? We had this beautiful evening together, and now you want to run out of here. Run away from me. Forgive me for being a bit confused."

I recognize his tone. I've heard it from countless well-intentioned friends and family. People who pity my situation but really wish I could just move on from my grief. My grief is a burden they don't care to carry.

I hate that tone.

I wipe my eyes again, snuffling through the tears. "I know what you'll say. You'll tell me I'm being stupid."

"First, I would never call you stupid. Second, give me some credit. Talk to me. Maybe I can help."

I toss my phone at him, the slide show still visible on the screen. "My phone, in all its sadistic glory, sent me a slideshow of memories."

He studies the phone, his tone careful. "May I watch it?"

"Why would you want to? It's a slideshow of me with my husband."

“I’m aware of that fact, Calli. I want to watch it so that I might know Nigel more. May I?"

I nod, the tears starting anew when the music—that god awful music—starts playing again.

Keegan doesn't say a word until the end, handing back my phone with a sad smile. "It's a beautiful memory."

"You don't mean that." I know I'm behaving terribly, but my flight mode has been activated, and all I can focus on is getting home. Home to the house that Nigel and I shared. Home to the last memories I have of him, where I can curl up with his blanket and hope he forgives me for relegating his memory to the back burner of my heart.

What a terrible wife I am.

"How can you say that? I meant every word I've ever said to you, Calliope. Nigel seems like he was an incredible person. He adored you. That much is clear."

"He did. He wanted to give me the world. Anything I wanted, he would give me. Except he couldn't stay. But, I abandoned him. I abandoned his memory. I can't do this, Keegan."

"Do what?" His voice is even and measured, his face not giving away any emotion.

That's okay. I have plenty enough for us both. "This. Us. I can't do this. I was wrong to think that I could."

"Calli, I know you're upset, but let's talk about this. Please don't make any rash decisions."

"We are talking about it. I can't do it. I'm sorry, Keegan. I really thought I could be with someone else, but I was wrong. So very, very wrong.”

A muscle jumps in his jaw, his gaze focused out the window. "I'll pack up and take you home."

"Thank you," I manage, the tears pouring down my cheeks when he walks out of the room. I know I've hurt him, but I don't have the bandwidth right now to handle his pain. I've too much of my own to bear. That, along with the guilt of loving someone else, is more than I can handle. I feel my emotions shut down, climbing back into the dark cave of despair where they lived for so many months.

---