Page 69 of Baby Maker

“Before what?”

“Before you. Why do you think I asked you to come to Long Island?”

“According to you, to be your neighbor that you see a few times per week.”

Crap, this is going downhill, and now my anger emerges. I’ve held it back long enough. “How did I get to be the bad guy? I’m trying to include you in my life. My plans. What do you want me to say?”

My loud voice quiets her down, and I watch a tear slip down her cheek. “You never want to get married and have a family. That’s what you said. Have you changed your mind?”

I can lie and emerge the victor, but I’ve never been a liar. It’s not my style. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know? You want me to uproot my life here, leave behind every memory I have with Nigel, forgo having a child with him, but you can’t even give me a definitive answer? I don’t know is the best you can do?”

“It’s the truth. I do know you’ve made me consider things that I never did before.”

“I’m supposed to base my life on an I don’t know?”

“Calli, that is life. It’s a series of moments where the ending is unclear.”

“That’s not true. Nigel would have given me anything.”

My fist hits the table, making the glasses jump. “Nigel isn’t here. I am, but you won’t even consider my offer. You act like he was perfect—”

“He was—”

“No. He was a man. A damn fine man, I’m certain, but a man with flaws and shortcomings. You’ve placed him on this pedestal, and no one stands a chance against him. How can anyone? In your mind, all you remember are the good times. You’re telling me you never fought? You never disagreed?”

“How dare you—”

“Trust me, I’m not trying to insult Nigel’s memory. But I finally realized that I can’t compete with it, either.”

Her face softens as I let the angry flow from my body. “I don’t want you to compete with him. I know it’s hard for you to understand.”

I run my hand across my brow, my decision about Long Island finalized. “It’s impossible because you won’t let me in. You hold me at arms’ length, claiming your grief as the reason. But it’s not the reason. The fact is, I’m not Nigel. I never will be. But I’m a good man, and I love you. For a brief instant, I thought you loved me, too.”

“Keegan, I do.”

“Just not enough. I get that Nigel was your great love. I don’t want to take his place in your heart. I just hoped there might be enough room for me, too. But there isn’t. I see that now. My mistake.”

“Keegan—”

“You want me to promise you everything, but you won’t even let me in. How is that fair, Calli?”

“I want us to have a future.”

“No, you don’t. You threw us away like it was nothing. Then, you get angry that I invite you to take this adventure with me, but without all the bells and whistles of a relationship. A relationship that you ended. You can’t have it both ways.”

I can’t do this anymore. It’s too painful. Too raw.

And it’s a dead-end street to nowhere.

I flag down the server, handing over my credit card. “I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll drop you at home.”

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