Page 70 of Baby Maker

Chapter Fourteen

Calliope

For the second time in two weeks, I pass out from crying, my body slumped on the floor of my foyer.

But this time, I cry not just for the loss of Nigel but the loss of Keegan.

What could have been is the saddest phrase in the English language, and one I’ve grown to know all too well.

The next few days pass in a haze. I call my instructors and tell them I have the flu and won’t be teaching that week.

Then I take to my bed. Just like after Nigel passed, I begin the grieving process all over again. For the first time in almost two years, I feel the despair creeping back in, forcing me to question how much longer I need to continue living this life.

My therapist is no help. Oh, she tries, but I’m too mangled a mess even for her doctorate degree to handle. I’m a ball of every kind of emotion, wrapped in a tearful package that vacillates between sobbing and screaming.

I’m losing my mind.

I hear the knocking at my door but ignore it, tossing my pillow over my head in the hopes they’ll go away.

When the key jingles in the lock, I realize I’m going to have to face Simon. It feels like facing the executioner.

“Okay, time to get up. It stinks in this house, and I’m sure you’re fairly ripe, too.”

He rips the blanket off the bed, and I groan, clutching for the sheet. “Go away, Simon.”

“Absolutely not. I will not let you sit here, pining for death. You have too much to live for.”

I pull the pillow from my head, glaring at him and the sunlight in equal measure. “What do I have to live for, huh? I’m alone, Simon. It’s easy for you to tell me to take it on the chin. You get to go back to your happy life and your happy wife and your family. I have nothing.”

“You have friends and family who love you. A yoga studio wondering when the hell you’ll recover from the flu you lied about having.”

“It means nothing.”

“How about Keegan? Does he mean anything?”

“Keegan is gone.” Those words rip apart my soul, along with the knowledge that my actions spurred his departure.

Simon sinks onto the bed, laying down to face me. “What the hell happened? You two were crazy about each other.”

I wipe the tears from my eyes, sighing. “He said he couldn’t compete with Nigel.”

Simon shakes his head, clicking his tongue against his teeth. “There’s more to it than that. Something led to that statement.”

Shit. Might as well spill the entire sad story. “Everything was going great. He took me to Cape Cod, and I told him I loved him. He said it back.”

“Terrible, so far.”

I chuck a pillow at my friend’s head. “You want the story or not?”

“Sorry. I thought levity might help. I didn’t realize you’d lost your sense of humor along with your will to shower.”

With a groan, I storm past him into the bathroom. “I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

When I emerge, Simon hands me a cup of tea and a kiss on the forehead. “Go ahead. Cape Cod.”

“This slideshow came up on my phone—me and Nigel. I had a meltdown. Demanded that Keegan take me home. I told him I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t be with him. Basically, said all the wrong things. Ripped his heart apart. I saw it on his face, but I couldn’t let him in. So, he took me home. After I got here and started living life without him, I realized how much I missed him. How much I wanted a future with him. But Keegan doesn’t want a future with me.”

“How do you know?”

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