Page 77 of Baby Maker

My gaze settles on a photograph of me prominently displayed on Nigel’s desk. I’m wearing a skimpy dress as I strike a femme fatale pose. But it’s the smile on my lips, the light in my eyes that catches my attention. I scramble to grab my phone, ignoring the litany of messages as I scroll through my photos, stopping at one that Keegan took of me before my meltdown on Cape Cod.

The night we proclaimed our love. The night we spent with nothing but our love between us.

I’m wearing the same smile. The same light in my eyes.

The glow of love that I wore so well with Nigel flicked back on with Keegan.

Keegan, the man who’s now gone from my life.

Just like Nigel.

With a scream, I pitch the framed photo across the room, taking great satisfaction in the shattering of the glass.

I shove the contents of Nigel’s desk onto the floor, my poor dog skittering for cover from the cacophony of noise.

“Why?” I scream, over and over again, as I dump out the contents of each desk drawer. When it’s over, I sink to the ground in a heap, sobbing against the wood hutch, my breath coming in gulps.

“Why did you leave me, Nigel? Why didn’t Keegan want me? Why don’t I deserve love, too?”

The silence is deafening, ringing through my ears with answers I’ll never find. I wipe my eyes, hiccuping now through my tears, as my gaze catches on a small box.

I crawl over to it, turning it to rights. Inside are photos—photos of Nigel, photos of me, photos of us. My finger traces along the paper, wishing I could have him back for one more day. He’d know what to tell me. He always did.

An envelope sticks out from the side of the box, and I open it, expecting more photographs. Instead, I pull out the sheet of paper, my breath catching when I see the familiar handwriting.

Turn on the computer and open the file named Darling Girl.

xx

Nigel

I press the power button on his computer with trembling fingers, the wait for the home screen an eternity as the machine awakens from an almost two-year slumber.

I spy the file, and the tears start anew. It’s a movie file. For the first time in months, I’ll see my dear husband again.

And then, as if by magic, Nigel is there in the room with me, complete with his crooked and endearing smile. I know from the pallor of his skin and his gaunt frame that this was recorded not long before the end.

But if his smile was anything to go on, he’s got a lifetime yet to live.

“My Darling Girl, how long have I been gone? I’m guessing at least a year, maybe more. I know one thing for certain. If you’re reading this, then I’m dead. I know, horrible way to put it, right?” He pauses, chuckling at his own morbid sense of humor.

“But, that’s life—one big circle. I’m just so glad I got to take this crazy ride with you by my side. I know my death is going to be hard on you. But don’t worry, my girl, we share a bond that can never be broken. I will always be with you. I’ll show you that I’m here in so many little ways”—he motions to the ceiling, sending me a wink—“have to check with the big man; might be a cap on how many signs I can send in a day, but don’t stop looking.”

The humor slides from his face as he edges closer to the camera, his hand touching the lens. “More importantly, don’t you stop living. Just because I’m gone doesn’t mean that your life ends. You are too wonderful a soul to spend your days alone.”

From left to right, my head jostles, negating his statement, but his next line makes me laugh out loud.

“I know you’re shaking your head right now, thinking that you can’t fathom moving on. Falling in love. Letting love in.”

“Well, here’s what I see. I see you meeting an amazing chap who is probably nothing like me. That’s okay. Give him a chance. He’ll surprise you—again and again. Be patient with him. He likely doesn’t know the right things to say, but his heart is in the right place. You’ll know him when you meet him. You’ll glow again. You wear the glow of love so well, my darling girl. Don’t you let that light go out simply because I’m no longer in this form.”

“Back to the man who will take my place. Make room in your heart for him. He deserves a spot. I know you’ll fight him—and your feelings—but don’t fight too hard. He’s human, too.”

“I want you to love him with every fiber of your being. I want you to have a houseful of kids, driving you crazy and ensuring that you never get a full night’s rest again. I want to look down and see you visit my resting place with your new family, and I want to see you smile. Smile because I lived and because I will always love you.”

The movie ends as the sobs overtake my body. I shake as my heart liquefies and pours out of my body. “I miss you so much, baby.” Despite that, in the same moment, peace pervades my being. As always, my Nigel knows just what I needed to hear.

* * *

---