Page 66 of Make You Stay

Chloe

New York is in the middle of its coldest winter in years, but I barely feel the frigid air on my face as I exit my apartment building onto the bustling street.

As always, Manhattan is a hubbub of activity, but for the first time, I’m overwhelmed by all the people. I finally understand how my mother felt when she desired an escape from all the noise.

I miss the mountains of North Carolina, the overly nosy neighbors, the fresh air. Mostly, I miss Aidan, even though I know we’re a lost cause.

He made his stance very clear before I left, and I feel foolish for even broaching the topic. Enid and I discussed me telling him about my desire to have a baby, and she swore he would be open to the idea.

But he wasn’t.

His opinions sliced through me, making me question every decision.

Making me question the idea of having a child.

Everyone says being a single mother is tough, but I thought I could handle it. I was so foolish to think, for one second, that Aidan might be on board with having a baby together.

It played out so differently in my head. There, he was surprised but happy. Eager even to have this little life the two of us created.

In reality, he mocked me, asking why I couldn’t get a dog and be happy with my lot in life. In that way, he was much like Charlie, who always wondered why I wanted anything beyond what crumbs he offered.

Imagine if I broached the idea of marriageanda baby? Aidan would have melted down right in front of me.

One thing is for certain. I’ve learned my lesson. No man wants to have a family with me, so if I want a baby, my only option is with a stranger’s sperm. Funny, it was such a normal concept only a few months ago, but now it feels like cheating on Aidan.

Not that it matters. We’re done.

I walk into my doctor’s building, riding the elevator to the eleventh floor. As usual, the waiting room is packed, but by some miracle, I’m called within a few minutes.

My doctor is a sweet man with seven children of his own. That’s right. Seven. He had six with his first wife, but she died in a car accident. A few years later, he met another woman and fell in love. But she desperately wanted a baby. His reply? He was overjoyed to have a baby with her, thrilled to have that chance to make her happy.

I wish I could meet a man like that, but at this point, thereisno point, and certainly no man.

“How have you been, Chloe? I’m sorry about your mother. Your file says that’s why you canceled our last appointment.” He smiles at me. “I thought perhaps you’d met a nice man and fallen in love.”

His sentiment brings a fresh onslaught of tears, but I blink them back. I willnotfall apart in my doctor’s office.

“No man, just dealing with my mother’s estate.” Why go into specifics? There is no man, at least not anymore.

He perches on the stool, studying me. “You told me last time that you would be ready to proceed this winter. Are we still on the same path?”

“I… I…” the words stick in my throat as I struggle to form a sentence.

The doctor pats my knee, his smile fading as the tears spill down my cheeks. “What is it, dear?”

“I can’t do this.” Dashing out the door, I run out of the building and onto the street, barely missing several patches of ice.

Leaning against a storefront, I sob, the tears and snot mixing in a mess of emotions. “Damn him.”

Not only does Aidan not want me or a child with me, but he’s also made me doubt my ability to do it on my own. I know it’s not his fault. It’s not like he stopped me from leaving. I could go back to the doctor right now and be inseminated within the week.

That’s not the problem.

I fell in love. I want a baby with the man I love. A baby with big green eyes and dimples like his dad.

But Aidan doesn’t want that, at least not with me, and it doesn’t matter what I want.

I don’t get a say.

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