Page 43 of Halftime

* * *

Faith

I didn’t want to go to the party. I knew there was a good chance Seb would be there, and I didn’t want to see him. I’d been acting like a baby by refusing to answer that text. I knew that, and yet I still hadn’t answered. And the longer I didn’t answer, the harder it got. I wanted to pretend nothing had happened. To take that night, as great as it had been, and put it in that Seb box I had and lock it away. Except there wasn’t much left in that box. The horrible things from last year, the ones I’d been so hurt by, didn’t really exist. There were just a few things that I’d tried to ignore from this year left in there. The almost kiss at the rink the first day I saw him. Some weird reactions I had to seeing him and being with him. And that night.

I knew I was behaving badly. We’d been friends these past few weeks, best friends, at least for me. I’d hadn’t gotten that close to anyone on my team, and Penny, great as she was, couldn’t be that. Her interests were different, and we didn’t have history, not like Seb and I did.

Cutting Seb out like this because I was afraid to find out he thought it was a mistake meant I didn’t have my friend, either. He’d been so great, comforting me, letting me cry all over him, and his idea about having Gramma come to a game was golden. I’d talked to Coach, and due to the special circumstances, she’d agreed to pencil me in as starter, assuming I didn’t break a limb or start sucking on the ice. I was determined not to. I was going to have my grandmother watch me one more time…

I had to swallow and blink fast. Shouldn’t I be handling her illness better by now? I’d had almost a week to come to terms with it, but it still hurt to think about. If only things had ended when he’d come up with that idea. If only I hadn’t kissed him and then climbed him. I’m sure he hadn’t hated it. I mean, it was sex, and I thought it was good. He’d certainly acted like it was great. But we were done, and I shouldn’t have crossed that line.

He’d kept asking if I wanted it. IfIwanted it. I’d never asked if he did. Maybe he wouldn’t have told me the truth even if I’d asked him. He’d felt sorry for me, and maybe sex was something he’d done to make me feel better, to forget. I should’ve talked to him. But the thought of hearing him say it was a mistake, that we shouldn’t do it again, or that I shouldn’t think we were something other than friends made my skin crawl.

I had two good reasons to skip the party. I wanted to avoid Seb and I wasn’t in a party mood because of my grandmother. But there was one good reason to go. The party was for Anderson, our starting goalie’s birthday. Things were improving with Coach and the team and staying away from something specifically planned for the woman I wanted to replace would not look good.

Coach had done me a favor by almost guaranteeing me a start. But if I then acted like I wasn’t part of the team; she might think I was pulling something, manipulating her. Maybe I was wrong, but I was still worried she believed I didn’t want to play on her team. I had to at least make an appearance, wish Anders a happy birthday, and then I could make my excuses. With any luck, I could avoid Seb. It wasn’t for sure that he’d be there. But I’d thought that before and been wrong.

Penny was coming with me for moral support. She wasn’t with her basketball guy any longer, so maybe she had other motives, but I was grateful. I’d bought some more skirts and tops that she’d approved for the parties I was coming to realize were frequent. Most of my teammates went with what I’d called a girlie look. I was more comfortable with it now, and since I didn’t feel like Frankenstein around the other women on my team, I kind of liked dressing up a bit.

College was already broadening my horizons. Go me!

We arrived a little late, since I wanted a crowd there when we arrived to make sure I could avoid Seb. It was stupid, but there was a lot going on in my head with my grandmother, school, and hockey, and I just didn’t need anything else to make me sad. Of course, not talking to him was making me feel anxious and nervous and stressed, but I’d never claimed to be a genius.

There was a good crowd, and the music was loud. We made it inside and I saw the first room was Seb free. I decided to stay in the Seb-free zone and asked Penny if she would get me a drink. I’d figure out where my teammate was so I could wish her happy birthday and then I could leave.

I lost sight of Penny almost immediately, her copper hair quickly disappearing amongst the taller crowd. I did see a couple of my teammates and stopped to talk with them. They had a beer for me, and I took it since I had a strong suspicion Penny had been sidetracked and wasn’t coming back. I’d started to relax when I felt a tug on my hair.

I knew it was Seb. Time to face the music. I whipped around, ready with an apology. But it wasn’t Seb. It was Cooper. I wasn’t sure if it was relief or disappointment I felt, but it was something that made my stomach tense.

He leaned toward my ear. “We need to talk, Juliet.”

I examined his face, not sure he was drunk enough this early to confuse me with someone else, someone called Juliet. He appeared sober and jerked his head.

“Give me a sec,” I told my teammates and then followed Cooper, wondering if Seb had asked him to talk to me. If he somehow thought I was this Juliet, I’d give him a hard time for mixing us up.

There were people on the veranda, but he led the way to a quiet corner. No one was close. It was cold enough that fewer people were hanging out on the porches than earlier in the season. Cooper leaned against the wall and narrowed his eyes. He looked way too much like Prof Warner had those first few weeks. I didn’t know what he wanted to talk about, but I knew I was getting a D. I had a suspicion the subject of our conversation was going to be Seb. I braced myself.

“Did you get a text from Seb after you spent the night with him? And if you did, did you answer?”

The beer I’d drunk suddenly wanted to make a reappearance. “Uh, what business is it of yours, and why are you asking?”

Was it Seb? Had he asked Cooper to talk to me? If Seb didn’t want to talk in person, things must be bad. Being cut off from Seb again would be painful. Him regretting that night would hurt. A lot. But isn’t that what I was doing, making that happen by ignoring him?

“Hunter is my partner on the ice, and when he’s moping, he plays like shit. So we’re not passing notes like we’re back in high school, and playing I thought he or she was doing what the hell ever. Did you get his text?”

This was the Cooper who’d made me face up to what Seb hadn’t done last year. I answered with a nod.

“Did you answer him?”

This time I gave a shake of my head.

“Why the fuck not?”

I opened my mouth to explain, and nothing came out. How was I supposed to explain myself when I was still a knot of confusion and nervousness?

“Faith, it’s not fair to play games with him. I expected better of you.”

Cooper being disappointed with me hadn’t been on my bingo card, but he was right. I pulled on my hair, trying to find a way to explain this. I wasn’t sure I understood it all myself.

---